The tunnel is opening again.
The TV beats at her, voices shrill selling sheckels, baseline of burger ads push greasy pulses.
The kids' soprano voices pierce through the airborne hucksters. She starts.
"Mom!" they shriek. "Mom! Mom! Mom!"
"What?" she answers. "What? What? What?"
Blanche Devereaux says, "Big Daddy, what's the surprise, tell me, tell me, tell me."
The kids say, "She's dead. All of the Golden Girls are dead now, except for Betty White."
"What?" she answers.
"Mom!"
"Oh Big Daddy!"
"Mom! He hit me! Mom!"
"What? What? What?"
She flees. Seeks sanctuary in the bedroom. Closes the door, covers her pounding ears under a soured pillow. She hears the tv and the children, muted, as though she pressed the clicker and they faded like memories of happiness.
She knows what is going on. She needs stronger medication. She just can't bring herself to go through the whole song and dance that goes with the asking. She'll have to wait two months for a doctor's appointment. She'll have to book time from work - which means asking her boss for yet another day off. She can't face asking. She's tired of asking. And then she'll have to perform like a barking seal at the doctor's. He'll ask her all the same old questions: does she eat? does she sleep? does she have suicidal thoughts? No, no, NO, she doesn't, but she knows herself well enough to realize that the tunnel is opening wider and she is within a ragged breath of falling in.
She hugs her pillow. She squeezes her eyes shut. The kids fight out in the living room. Sophia says "put me in a bedroom with Tom Cruise and you'll be peeling me off the ceiling." Rose plays the piano. Dorothy sings. Canned applause rolls down the hallway, a tinny soundtrack for her troubled thoughts.
Very descriptive commentary on that tunnel that tries to suck one in. As an owner of one of those tunnels, I resonate with your story.
ReplyDeleteWow. That was fantastic, Cathy!
ReplyDeleteI was confused by the first bit, not sure how the Golden Girls (awesome show!!!) tied in, but you made it flow seamlessly. As soon as I realized what was going on it was...just stunning.
Tired of the asking...yes. You have excellent writer's chops--but more importantly--you "get" people. You slip under a character's skin and make it your own. I bow to ya, Chica bonita.
Really excellent peek into a depressed person's 'aura' as she finds herself slipping into the tunnel. Unfortunately, I can so relate.
ReplyDeleteIt's a hard place to live, right at the edge of a dark tunnel. Laugh tracks and canned applause just don't cut it.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much going on in this short piece that I struggle to get my head around it all. The more times I read it the clearer it becomes. I can't imagine having my mind washed away by a torrent of thoughts on a regular basis, it must be agonizing.
ReplyDeleteClose to home. Fantastic scattering of words.
ReplyDeleteBang on. what they said Cathy. It is agony and its mostly invisible. par exemp: On Monday I called the docs office so I could get a refill on entirely depleted anti-anxiety meds, she had a tues morn appt and I asked about getting in mon instead , she gave me the what-for cause they wanted to keep the space open for "sick people". last time I checked there was a physical alteration of my brain. My sketchy memory and self-organizational skill-(mismatched) sets sometimes conspire to keep me off the real world schedule, this is a good story you have written, you share your heart too. I read somewhere that depression is our body's way of protesting against a world of hurts. Carrie described it as a "fantastic scattering of words", I agree, I think the scattering emulates how our minds get bombarded and how it sometimes feels like all we can do is cower and hope we aren't noticed. But then life reloads and starts over. Yet the world is so much more liveable and valuable when it gets to see your gifts. Lots of love, scatter scatter!
ReplyDeleteKel
Very powerful story, Cathy. I find, "the tunnel is opening wider and she is within a ragged breath of falling in" especially evocative.
ReplyDeleteThat was great. I didn't totally understand it the first time, but then I reread it and it was brilliant. Well done.
ReplyDeleteYou are a mistress of language, Miss Cathy. Jeez, what a powerful piece. I could feel my mind shredding right along with your mc's.
ReplyDeleteExcellent, simply excellent.
Love all the different intimations of tunnels in this piece - particularly the pillow curved over her ears.
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff
marc nash
Tunnel or ditch, it's dark and deep. And once you're in it's so hard to get back out. Canned laughter can be so abrasive and bitter.
ReplyDeleteThis is why ogres live under bridges instead of in tunnels. They also eat children, if you have the need.
ReplyDeleteFor me its water, Like I am about to drown. The sound gets all distorted and thick like I am underwater. Difficult to breathe and thoughts get muddled up in panic as I feel myself going under, gasping for air and desperate for something to hold on to. its at those times I feel I don't have a friend in the world. Great piece Cathy. I so relate to it.
ReplyDeleteYou can't help but sypathize with this woman's flight. You paint a grim picture of her existance, Cathy.
ReplyDeleteLots of truths in this one. Well written, Cathy!
ReplyDeleteYup, my second pass nailed it for me and I was sucked in just like all my great writer peeps above, Cathy...
ReplyDeleteCathy, you've obviously struck quite a few nerves with this piece, (pun not intended). How solidly you build this woman's lonely world with so few well-placed words. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant. Great use of the form and style.
ReplyDeleteOh... wow. Your parallel with the loss of the actresses says a lot. Time moves on, it takes and takes. This is such a mournful piece. Very moving.
ReplyDeleteYou have this one nailed for sure, outstanding perspective here, scary that you know it so well....
ReplyDeleteYou really captured that struggle to stay out of the 'tunnel' (an excellent descriptor). I could almost hear the character's thought process, and feel that sinking sensation to the laugh track. Well done on this one, Cathy.
ReplyDeleteWonderful use of stream of consciousness to communicate the onslaught this poor woman faces.
ReplyDeleteExcellent work.
Beautiful writing Cathy. I have goosebumps.
ReplyDeleteThen I read the comments, and saw how you reached into so many people's psyche's and exposed them with empathy.
You are a true talent.
Your character building is immense, Cathy. "Tunnel" is a great way to put it too, along with the sense of unreality that the muted sounds bring through the closed door
ReplyDeleteLike Michael said, "Scary that you know it so well." You nailed it.
ReplyDeleteAin't it the truth though!? Captured it perfectly.
ReplyDeleteThe best paragraph for me, Cathy, is the recitation of the guilts she'll have to face to get her remedy. It's bad enough she's unwell without being made to feel also unworthy.
ReplyDeleteCathy, you really capture the darkness, that dark place, that I think everyone has, but only a few have to experience. Fine, fine writing.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed the madness of this piece, and the uphill battle it can be to combat madness.
ReplyDeleteThe canned laughter is like ice on a tooth with an exposed nerve. All of life, is like that when in this place. What an amazing piece, Cathy. The way she is tired of asking, such truth there. I hope she finds her way out.
ReplyDeleteGreat understanding and 'sucking-in' feeling of the world of depression. From first hand expereicne this is excellently captured. I like your style :)
ReplyDeleteThis piece shows some knowledge of what the depressed/anxious go through. Very powerful stuff Cathy..:)
ReplyDeleteMan, I can feel this woman's desperation and despair. Overwhelmed by life and too wrung out to take the steps needed to get help. Great job.
ReplyDelete~jon
Yep that captures it. The tunnel is perfectly drawn and the struggle to keep in normal life and conversations...
ReplyDelete