Zombie Luv Flash Fiction Contest: Benching A Wolf- #fridayflash

Nature is calling in the great outdoors.

The zombie who used to be Pierre Fontabuse is ensconced in an outhouse down by the beach. He is suffering abominable abdominal cramps. Sweat poisons his rotting brow as he tries to push out the blasted constipation.

Pierre is a new zombie. A zewbie. One minute he had been sitting around the campfire with Connecta, playing Fire and Rain on his guitar and getting horned up thinking about zipping their sleeping bags together. The next minute some tree-hugger from East Campground was eating Connecta's face. In trying to retrieve his fiancee's eyeball from the rawring maw of this zombie in a Tilley hat, Pierre lost his arm, his own eyeball and his life. He woke up a few hours later, still deader than a doornail but hungry as hell with a delectation for human flesh.

His favourite bits are nipples and ear lobes. He only eats foot corns when he is desperate and organ meats when he feels his blood thinning. And he never eats the stinky bits. 

Pierre finds he is a different individual as a zombie. He is more refined, more persnickety. More cultured. As a live human, he was mostly concerned with where the next beer was coming from and if he was going to be getting lucky that night. The only bright spot in his life was Connecta, a kindergarten teacher and a concert-calibre pianist whose only weakness was her love for Pierre.

Connecta, he sighs, sitting on the outdoor throne. He thinks about all the times they lay under the duvet in their apartment, him connecting all her lovely dots. 

He hears something. Shuffled footsteps approaching the outhouse. Groans. He hears the other door to the two-vault toilet open and someone goes inside. He hears the door lock. He hears clothes rustle, knees creak and the instantly recognizable squelch of a toilet seat being settled on.

A female voice moans. "Ohhhhh," she says. "Owie, owie, ohhhh."

He freezes. Listens. He doesn't want the woman to hear him going to the bathroom. 

"Oh crap this hurts," she says. She whimpers. She sounds like women on TV shows giving birth. 

"OH crap, oh, this is gonna hurt," she squeals. "Here it comes, mama, here it comes. It's gonna be a beauty… oh, holy mother of crap, holy shit, oh, please make it come out, OHHHH…"

Suddenly everything is quiet.

Then Pierre hears a watery plonk sound.

"I think I just benched me a wolf," she says, chuckling. 

She bangs on the wall. "I hear you in there," she says. "You just shared in the biggest crap I've ever had. It must be what I'm eating these days. Eyeballs and arseholes." She laughs and uncorks a nasty-sounding ripper.

Pierre blanches, embarrassed.

He stays quiet, listens to that oaf of a woman pull up her drawers, push open the door and shuffle down the sidewalk.

He pushes his face next to a crack in the door and peers out.

He sees Connecta, or what used to be Connecta, staggering back to the campground.

He thought the voice was familiar but Connecta, his Connecta would never talk like that and would never, ever fart – never mind defecate – in front of another person.

He thinks about following her, hooking up and starting a new zombie life together, walking into the sunset, eating unsuspecting campers, frolicking in the lakeside surf from now until eternity.

Then the smell of his uncouth ladylove wafts his way. 

In some circles love may conquer all. But for the newly fastidious Pierre Fontabuse, it is not enough to ward off the monstrous evil of a newly benched wolf.

Guidelines:

* Word count: maximum 1.000

* The story must be a romance between two zombies. Make it as horrific as you like. ;)

* Stories containing animal cruelty, torture, graphic sex or violence, any form of exaltation of violence, racism or other forms of prejudice will be immediately disqualified.

* Post your entry on your own blog, with a title resembling this:

Zombie Luv Flash Fic Contest: Story Title

* Leave your story title and a link to the story entry post as a comment at mari's randomities: http://marisrandomities.blogspot.com

* Copy and paste the contest logo and the guidelines at the end of your entry post.