I am not wearing this t-shirt to work again EVER. And if I do, somebody kick me!
I feel like such a tart right now.
It didn't look bad this morning, this so-called designer t-shirt that cost me a bloody fortune a few months ago when I bought it.
In the dim pre-dawn light of a Monday morning it actually looked cheerful.
Now I look like a middle-aged hard-bit floozy. The t-shirt is tighter than a coconut skin in the rinse cycle. It's more see-through than that thing Tiffany-Amber wore to the wet t-shirt contest the night she got pregnant with Billy-Bob's unwanted cloven-hoofed wench-whelp.
I was expecting compliments when I trounced into the office this morning. "Gee, Cathy, is that a new t-shirt?" But nobody said nothing. After seeing myself in the reflection of the washroom mirror a while ago, I think it's safe to say they're following the "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" rule.
I'd give anything to change right about now. Or throw on a sweater. That being impossible I'm kinda hunched under my desk, only my chin poking up as I reach my trailer trash pudge-knuckles over the keyboard in a vain attempt to keep the boss from seeing my bra strap.
And it's not even my good bra. It's the one that isn't white anymore having picked up a putrid grey-blue hue from going through the washing machines with my jeans. It's kinda saggy in the back, too; well, saggy in the bits that haven't fallen into the vast crevasses of back fat that are remarkably better endowed than the cheese biscuits I've got drooping off the front.
Forget about the t-shirt. Go home and put it in the Goodwill bag. After you wash it. Never buy a top with writing on it, ever again. I taught that to my grandaughters, last year. Don't pay to do somebody's advertising. That's all my advice. Oh, and have a glass of wine or a beer or a scotch. Your choice. Tuesday will be just fine. Everybody still loves you.
ReplyDeleteThey especially love the fact I make them look well dressed! (Pass the wine, Joanne, please.)
DeleteAnd this is why we all need those people in our lives that will say, "Are you really going out in that?"
ReplyDeleteWhich is not to say anything about the way you look, because I think it's probably not as bad as you think, but, still, that's what that feeling you're having makes me think.
Hahahahaha- true! And that person was already gone to work!!! Not that he would have given me good advice - Dave still thinks I'm 22 and the tighter the clothes, the happier he is. (And that's just one more reason why I love that guy of mine!!!)
DeleteI hate when that happens and for some reason, it happens to me a lot too. Well, at least it's only one day.
ReplyDeleteClarissa, I'm thinking we should just go out and buy some burkas. What say? Surely we can't look like tarts in those!!!
DeleteMaybe you can 'borrow' someone's jacket when they aren't looking?
ReplyDeleteI would, Alex, if they weren't all the size of fleas and I wasn't their St. Bernard doggie host!
Deletethat apple would have been right on your right boob ( unless you go braless that is)
ReplyDeleteYes, braless means my left boob is down squarely on the sparkly letter A.
DeleteAnd that's why we keep that spare sweater coat hanging on the back of our office chair....for just such moments as these ...
ReplyDeleteOh yah, Delores, rub it in!!!!
DeleteMaybe the shiny, sparkly parts distracted from the tight/see-through part!
ReplyDeleteI was hoping, Daisy!!!
DeleteROTFLMAO "Now I look like a middle-aged hard-bit floozy. The t-shirt is tighter than a coconut skin in the rinse cycle. It's more see-through than that thing Tiffany-Amber wore to the wet t-shirt contest the night she got pregnant with Billy-Bob's unwanted cloven-hoofed wench-whelp." BWAA HAAA HAAAA HAAAA
ReplyDeleteROFL right back atcha!!!
DeleteThe funny thing is, I wrote this during a slight delay in my work proceedings and after I did I couldn't stop giggling. Like, insane under my breath giggling. The more I tried to not giggle, the worse it got. Thanks for the hearty laugh, JoJo!!
Well, I love the shirt! More than likely you look just fine in it and are only tripping because no one complimented you. Sometimes people do that, not notice. I've done the same though with thinking I look great in something and then see myself in the bathroom mirror at work and wish I were dead. Those bathroom mirrors are not for looking in btw.
ReplyDelete"Billy-Bob's unwanted cloven-hoofed wench-whelp"? Too cold but too funny.
I seriously think I should go in tomorrow and accidentally bump in to the bathroom mirror and then make sure they replace it with one of those skinny-well-lit-peach-toned mirrors they have in expensive restaurants.
DeleteDo you think I went overboard with the adjectives there?
DeleteI think I should chuck most of my clothes in the Goodwill bin these days. Things that once looked incredible on me make me look like I'm trying to be a cougar. How sad age plays those evil tricks. That being said, are you hanging on to the t-shirt?
ReplyDeleteYES! It cost me $39.98! Ridiculous! But I think I'll just wear it around the house to dust with. Or whenever I'm feeling frisky and want to play-act Tiffany-Amber to Dave's Billy Bob, sans bambino of course (that would be on the front page of the National Enquirer).
DeleteThis reminds me of the time I went to work with two different shoes on my feet. The sad thing was is that I didn't notice until noon!
ReplyDeleteSUE! How are you?
DeleteI did exactly the same thing (with the mismatched shoes). Only I was 8 months pregnant at the time and couldn't see my feet.
I know the feeling! I need to pack off some clothes to Good Will that are hiding in the dark depths of my closet.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't you hate it when they hide in the BACK of the closet? They shrink in the dark, I swear to gawd.
DeleteActually, the t-shirt does't look to bad it all. It is, well, "different," something of a curio, I would say. But a particular fashion statement
ReplyDeleteBut it take it not the fashion statement you wanted to make. Oh dear!
Blessings and Bear hugs in a sad time.
The comments were almost as funny as the post! almost.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking, "Dang, I think I have a size XL sweater in my lateral bin at work… if you were in my cube row, I'd have loaned it to you." Oh, and I was also thinking how much I like the wife when the wife wears tight/filmy clothes. Or better yet, ones with holes (aka access ports). :-D
My wardrobe fail moments mostly relate to my ability to spread far more food than was on my plate across my boobs with a dribble heading for my gut. In contrasting shades always. Which stain. The size of the stain is directly related to the cost of the item.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. Have another drink for me.
Very funny, and glad you could giggle at yourself, too. I wore a sweater inside out last week, and no one told me.
ReplyDeleteI would keep the shirt. You can wear it around the house. I am sure it will get a fabulous reception from Dave. We all need sexy tee-shirts every now and then. And if you don't want it, mail it to me. Peace...
I feel kinda bad, sitting here at my desk, laughing at your misfortune. But you make it sound so funny, I can't help myself. :)
ReplyDelete(So, see, t-shirt not so good but blog post...hilarious!) :)
LOL! I propose a trade. My polka dot shirt for the green Apple Bottom... We must be thinking along the same posting lines today. But I actually really like your shirt, and I doubt anyone thought you were preggers while wearing it!
ReplyDeleteMy my.. you can really criticize yourself! So you looked bad for a day... big deal!
ReplyDelete