Laura Eno will not go camping with me.
I never figured her for some girly-girl but apparently her concept of being one with nature consists of listening to the spindly philodendron on her desk crying for a mercy killing, and scooping piles of dog crap the size of Buicks from her Astroturfed backyard. (I've seen pictures of her dogs – I can't even imagine the turds those sons and daughters of Jezebel must produce.)
Which makes me want to drag her sunless carcass into the great outdoors even more. I bet she hasn't seen the sun since 1973. I bet Xan Marcelles sees more sunlight than Laura does. And he's a goldurned bloodsucking vampire.
Me, I love camping. Am going camping this weekend, as a matter of fact (and so will be internet-free... again....) (Thanks to Babs and Henry LaRue for housesitting - please don't let your rottweiler eat the couch this time, OK? Beast is the size of a Volkswagen. Why can't people have freaking normal sized dogs?)
I invited Laura to come along but she as refused because she's a big wussy-pants.
She'll be wishing she was fishing (yes I'm a poet) with me, however, because now she's in deep trouble over at I Refuse To Go Quietly. Fellow Friday Flash alumni Sue Harding noticed Laura's camp-phobia and wrote a very, very scary (more poetry) story about me and Mizz Eno going camping together.
Of course I think it's the bees knees (poetry) being the subject of a Sue Harding story. Even though the ending
FREAKS.
ME.
OUT.
ME.
OUT.
You'll have to go see for yourself what that ending is cause I'm not gonna tell you.
Let me just say, my fingernail polish really is pink. Really.
Now. Off to catch some lunkers. Coming, Laura? (Wussy-pants.)
Is it some caustic ending that seems plausible to conclude your latest trip? Are we all doomed in the backwoods?
ReplyDeleteBut really, Cathy, enjoying your net-free time!
Aww thanks Poet John. (John wrote a really inspiring poem today. Inspiring, not perspiring. If you haven't seen it yet, go check it out. I printed it out and hung it on my wall - it's that good!)
DeleteDarn! I'm trying to read her post but with the white lettering against her background, I can't see it at all. :((((( Have a great time this weekend and hey, I don't camp either.
ReplyDeleteOh wait I reloaded the page and can see it now! OMG!! What a hoot! So be safe out there!!!
DeleteI'll be sure to keep my hands where they belong!
DeleteI don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't clicked over to read it yet, but I'm guessing you deservt it. ;-)
ReplyDeleteBUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Cracking me up, you are, Tim! (And yes, I probably did deserve it!)
DeleteI'll have have to go read it! Sorry, not going camping either. Not enough sunscreen and bug spray in the world to protect me.
ReplyDeleteAnd the first part of your comment on Andrew's blog this morning was hilarious!
Really? (Have to go back and read it.. I was still half asleep at the time.)
DeleteMaybe that's why it was so funny? >grin<
DeleteI think you camp too much. Just sayin'.
No, I'm still not a convert.
I srsly was freaking out about screwing up the grammar in my comment. Then I thought, what's the worse that can happen? I'm going camping and I know fer sure that you won't be chasing me down there!!!
DeleteActually, I'm not the grammar fascist I make myself out to be. Although, last week in a comment I made somewhere or other, I made so many mistakes... I was in a hurry and didn't re-read, but I saw them all when the blogger responded. I was horrified.
DeleteI love the sun! And 5-star hotels. And floating in the Mediterranean. And eating at quaint bistros.
ReplyDeleteNOT catching my own dinner. Or fighting off the bugs. Or living through Sue's story.
Wusssssssssssssssssssss
DeleteAnnnnnnnd there's no bugs this time of year... frost bite is a bigger concern, however.
DeleteOkay, bears looking for a snack to hibernate with.
DeleteDamned bears... we do have a trailer, however. And if it's any consolation you can probably run faster than me.
DeleteThose darned party lines.....you're bound to hear something you shouldn't.
ReplyDeleteWe had one of those up at the cottage when I was a kid! Really cool - but never heard any serial killers...at least I don't think so. Cereal killers, yeah, but not the other kind.
DeleteI think you & Dave should take a trip Just North of Wiarton & East of the Checkerboard to do yourself a little camping on the Peninsula sometime... Dave can use our washroom facilities with the toilet paper put on properly, and well you? Do bears *sh*t* in the bush? Have fun...I haven't been camping for 2 years now, *sigh*
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DeleteYou are BAD, Cindy! Bad, I tell you! But FUNNY. Dave and I LOVE Inverhuron Provincial Park and hope to get there next year. Maybe we'll stop by and rearrange your toity-paper the way it should be! oxoxo
I think you will have to come a little bit further to arrange that then Inverhuron Provincial Park ... but maybe we could "hookup" for some diner somewhere in Port Elgin together ! xo
DeleteThank you Cathy (and you, too, Laura!) for being the inspiration for a little bit of chilling flash-fiction! Of course, it wouldn't happen like that in real life........
ReplyDelete.......would it? :-o
Anyway, enjoy your back-woods experience, Cathy. And when you're laying awake in the darkness, remember.......! Heh, heh, heh! (evil laughter)
(You do know, of course, that in my past I worked on a horror film starring Vincent Price? No wonder my mind has a turn for the chilling and bizarre!)
Well that explains everything... did Mizz Eno work there too? Just curious because she's pretty bizarre, also, not wanting to camp or anything.
DeleteSUE! Thank you for the story. LOVED it and love you!!!!! Am thrilled to, erm, death about the whole thing! THANK YOU!
Thrilled to death... hmm...
DeleteIt's a great story, Sue! Pretty much how I'm thinking it would turn out if I ever agreed to go camping with Cathy.
OMG...you added a picture!!!!!! (At least you let me bring my surfboard)
ReplyDeleteAnd what's that bear gonna do with my autograph? Does he read my books while he's snoozing during the winter?
DeleteWell, a Bear might do some winter reading. Depends how the winter goes.
DeleteIf a Bear can get you close enough for an autograph, then you're close enough to become dinner. Well, at least for some Bears. Some of us have more manners than that. Some of us might serenade you in iambic pentameter, as did Shakespeare. At the very least, we would give you an affectionate hug. And not too hard.
Wow! And since I'm only wearing a bikini in that picture up there, I might need a bear hug to keep warm...but only if you have manners.
DeleteI will have to read the story when it's not midnight and I have to get up in not enough hours. (6. Not enough.) I ADORE Sue H. and am trying to read more of her posts that I'm behind on, now that the start of school craze has subsided to a dull roar from the deafening fast track freight train type noise that it was a month ago. Off to bed. Loved this post. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lucy Jane/Jenny! ;-) At least, being only 333 words it won't keep you up all night reading it.....although it might make you stay awake thinking ...! ;-p
DeleteMeh- CRUD, I just realized I am signed in as "the other me", Lucy Jane. I meant to comment as Jenny from The Modest Peacock . It's me, either way. Right. Sleep now.
ReplyDeleteI clicked over, I loved it (a big thank you to Sue Harding) AND I STILL THINK CAMPING IS SUCKY, SUCKY, SUCKY.
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful internet free time...
Thank you for reading - it sort of kick-started a dormant writing meme!
DeleteThank you again, Cathy, for not only being a willing(?) 'victim' but for the positive feedback from so many of your 'regular contributors'.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, safe camping and enjoy your time away!
(of course, you must post up on your blog the minute you get back so we all know you survived!) ;-p
I'm really glad it was only a fictional murder. Have fun camping...it IS fun!
ReplyDeleteNow where's the fun in not getting out into the great outdoors?
ReplyDeleteI know, we can't convince the non-campers to brave the elements, can we? Oh, well, more for the rest of us!