Thursday, December 13, 2012

I'm afraid of my cats



I may have to call for back-up.

They've got me square in their beady carnivorous sights and I can see the word FOOD flashing neon in the reflection of their killer-cold eyeballs and if I don't do something soon I'm going to wind up like those dead cat ladies with their tender vittles supped up with a side dish of catnip and a fine chianti.

It's the day before pay day and all through the house, every creature is meowing, except for the mouse – which, I might add, wouldn't be alive at all if the cats were truly starving to death, which they're not.

But The Bowl.

The Bowl is almost empty. It's got about (excuse me while I count) 23 cat crunchies moldering in the bottom of it. Sacré bleu! That is what constitutes Original Sin in this house. According to our cats, the bottom of The Bowl can not, under any circumstances, be visible. It must, at all times, be covered with Whiskas Hairball Control Cat Crunchies.

Ben-Ben is the Guardian of The Bowl. He lets us know immediately when there is any sign of the bottom, meowing in a tone so mournful that one might think his left nut (which has been missing for 13 years) was twisted in the lid of the kitty litter box. He doesn't shut up, either. Not even while he's walking in front of us, at a snail's pace, weaving around our legs like the waffle-chip maker at a tositoes factory. Weaving and meowing, meowing and weaving.

I knew last night that this morning would dawn with a case of the uglies. But we couldn't go buy any Whiskas Hairball Control Cat Crunchies last night because tomorrow is pay-day and we were broker than Ben's unfortunate nuts.

"Ben-Ben is not gonna like this," I said to Dave. "He's gonna drive us bonkers."

"Let him," said Dave, who threw this brave missive over his shoulder as he headed out the front door on his way to work, leaving me alone with two hungry cats and The Bowl.

I think I've faked them out. For now. I filled up the dog's dish and I filled up the water dish, and then I pretended to fill their dish, picking it up and shaking it around, spreading the cat crunchies around to make them look, um, different.

The cats may be cute, and loud, but they're dumb as a bag of rocks.

They sniffed The Bowl, ate a cat crunchie or two, and retired to the chesterfield where they will snore and stretch and groom their embarrassing parts, and wait until I return home with a new bag of Whiskas Hairball Control Cat Crunchies.

I will have to come home with one. If I don't, my life will be over. If it means stealing some blind old man's white cane and setting up in front of the pet store with a tin can, I guess I'll have to do it. Or maybe I'll sell some blood. It doesn't matter how I get it, as long as I get it.

Maybe I'll hold the pet store up at bowl-point. They'll understand my need, they will. They know what cats are capable of. Furry killers, kitties are. Deviant masters of The Bowl.

I will leave now, while they are sleeping, and some how, some way, the cat crunchies shall be mine...

56 comments:

  1. Oh my gawd- LOL "broker than Ben's unfortunate nuts" just killed me. Spit my coffee on the screen!

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    1. Oh lordy, don't be wasting perfectly good coffee, Mizz Jaybird!!! *turns head while you lick the screen*

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  2. OMG NEVER let the bowl get empty. ALWAYS have a backup plan. I can't stress this enough. Hide a tupperware bowl of crunchies in the cupboard to tide you over these dangerous times.

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    1. I had crunchies in a tupperware bowl in the cupboard but Dave thought they were Bits 'n Bites and ate 'em.

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  3. Got to be smarter than the cats! Don't forget their food though - they just might wise up.

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    1. I can't be smarter than the cats, Alex (I say, whining). They're a bag of rocks, I'm pebbles, man, that's all I got.

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  4. I had a cat once... The Bowl jumped up and killed it. Okay, not really. But oh how I remember the demands of that blasted cat.

    I've been a dog girl ever since.

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    1. "I had a cat once." Classic words. And a "dog girl" Sherri? Come on, don't be so hard on yourself - you're gorgeous!

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  5. HAHAHAHA I have that situation with my doggies who act as though they've never had a meal, esp. Sagan who attacks his food bowl as I'm still scooping the kibble in. Then he eats whatever Pepper has left over, getting the hiccups in the process, snatches the treat out of my hand like Jaws coming out of the water, and afterwards, proceeds to lick both bowls clean to the point where I have to yell, 'Give it a rest!'

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    1. I can just see you yelling GIVE IT A REST!!!!! And don't you love it when they make such complete pigs of themselves that they puke it all up again five seconds later? And don't you really love it when they eat THAT? Or when they DON'T eat it and YOU have to clean it up? Aren't pets just a JOY? Bah...

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  6. It's impossible to be smarter than a cat. Cats are the world's ultimate lifeform.

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    1. And here I thought chocolate was the world's ultimate lifeform!

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    2. No, no, on second thought, barbecue potato chips are the world's ultimate lifeform.

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  7. I just switched over my cats food to wet and you would think I'm torturing it. The poor thing is a mess. Even worse, I'm a mess with all the meowing and misbehaving.

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    1. I know! You can not mess with a cat's food. You can't give them roast beef or tunafish or even Hamburger Helper!!! They either want to eat cat crunchies, THEIR brand of cat crunchies, not someone else's, or they want to eat dead cat ladies. That's it! Can you imagine eating the same thing every single day? Even rippled barbecue potato chips and Diet Coke lose their charm when you eat them every day. Oh wait, that's a lie.

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  8. This reminds me so much of my cat. She used to get snippy if her food wasn't same day fresh. Cats are so persnickety.

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    1. Wot? You were trying to give her DAY OLDS???? Ermagherd...

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  9. Oh, so I do a cat post and, now, you have to go and do one, too. I see how it is!
    And, um, how, exactly, do you know about your cat's missing nut?

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    1. HA HA! That was EXACTLY my evil plan!! I read your blog about how popular cat posts are and thought, darnnit, I'm a-gonna do a cat post, too!!!!!

      Oh, the nut? I paid to have it dispatched. It and it's twin brother!

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    2. Wot, you thought I went around looking at cat nuts? Perv...

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    3. Looking at them, looking for them, I don't know. You're the one that said it. :P

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  10. Haha this is a very familiar story. Ellie was meowing at 5:30 am today, rare but when she wants her way one of us must oblige.

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    1. You have to, right? I mean, you can ignore them but it's definitely at your own peril! Best to get up and get out the darned cat crunchies and carry on!

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  11. we are lucky, Albert is benign and and good natured with humans ( though not rodents)

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    1. Yeah, John, but stop feeding him and watch out!

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  12. Hahaha ... run for the hills Cathy ! Killer cats are on the prowl.

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    1. We bought food for them last night! Yay! We had happy non-killer cats... for now... but the future freaking scares me...

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  13. Be grateful that unlike the psycho cat from hell yours have not mastered opening the fridge. Ours have not mastered closing the fridge.
    And yes, selling your blood to feed them would be considered fair by the ungrateful bastards. You should have done so on your way home last night. Or told Dave to do so. Or both.

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    1. Or given consideration to selling your first born child. Nothing is too much for them. Nothing.

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    2. Actually I sold my children's blood. Got a good penny for it, too!

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    3. Wait a minute - did you just say your cat OPENS THE FRIDGE?????????

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    4. Yes she did.....she's written about that before and I REALLY want to see video of that little trick. (Future training manual for deviant kittens).

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  14. That's my experience with cats in general. They're dumb, and they're vindictive about it.

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  15. You created this dilemma when you had kids - you should have stuck with just cats and then you would have the money to feed them.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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  16. It appears, Cathy, that you have forgotten your place in the world. So, please remember this: Dogs have owners; Cats have staff. And when Cats are displeased with their staff, they tend to shred the staff, as if the staff were a scratching post.

    Remembering this could, at some point, be the difference between living and dying.

    A tiny bit of animal wisdom from the old Bear.

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    1. I had their claws removed for exactly this reason!!!!!!

      (You are a very smart old Bear.)

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  17. Cats are cats the world around, aren't they. Ours have perfected the technique of leg leaning in order to steer the person on top of the legs to the cat bowl, for the purpose of noticing it's empty and producing the refill. Spreading the cruchies around would not work here. Maybe because we have three cats, and word gets around.

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    1. hehehehe - leg leaning. A classic cat ploy!

      Three cats???? Ermagherd, Joanne!

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  18. My younger one yells. "Now! N-n-n-ow!"
    The older guy purrs in my face. How can I say no?

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    1. You have to practice!!! When he yells, "N-n-n-ow," you yell , "N-n-n-oooooooooo!" (Yeah right. Like that'll work...)

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  19. Cathy,

    My third time today at your blog. First time - just me. Second time - me and the kid. Third time - me and hubby!

    I love this cat story because you have just described our cats! Perfectly!

    One day, we ran out of cat food completely... OMG, the horror! Talk about dramatic cats.

    I hope you were able to get a bag today - otherwise, I shall worry about your safety. The cats may revolt!

    Thanks for making my day!

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    1. I have a bag! I have a bag! (Wait, that doesn't sound right...) I'm all verklempt about your nice comments. And, by the way, LOVED your blog post. Really struck a chord with me.

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  20. Yes, the shiny spot at the bottom of The Bowl. Unspeakable horror. My fat cat is no longer fooled by spreading it out. I see her whispering in the corner to the other two, training them. I sleep with one eye open now...and a backup bag of food. Always.

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    1. I just had a brilliant idea - why not PAINT cat crunchies on the bottom of the bowl? Then it will never appear empty!!!!! (We could sell those things in pet stores... we could never write another WORD and be rich beyond our wildest dreams! We could actually AFFORD cat crunchies!!!! Woot!!!!)

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    2. Won't work. One of my cats (not the fat cat) FLINGS the crunchies out of The Bowl, one at a time, before she pounces on it to eat. And drinks water by dipping her paw first, then licking the moisture off it.

      The third cat is dumber than rocks. Her elevator doesn't go to the top. She walks AWAY from The Bowl when you fill it. She's also the one who eats then pukes.

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    3. Dumbness usually goes hand-in-hand with puking. I don't know why, but it's true.

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  21. I love Canadian bloggers! I was born in Ontario, but I haven't been back to Canada in over 5 years.

    I know how you feel. When I was in college, I got in the habit of feeding the cat and dog every day before I left for class at 7:30. On weekends, being a college student, I expected to stay soundly in bed until at least 1 in the afternoon. Except the cat would walk up and down my body and literally poke me in the nose with one claw while the dog bounced his front paws on my bed at PRECISELY 7:31. Every time.

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    1. And I love your comment about Canadian bloggers! WOOT!

      Yeah, pets are like fur-bearing alarm clocks that poop.

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  22. Cats aren't dumb. Sometimes they get themselves into dumb situations, but that's just life. And that's why cats are so judgmental.

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  23. Rule no.1 in the Cat World. Never leave bowls empty of kitty goodness cos you really don't wanna know of the consequences..! LOL! Happy Christmas! take care
    x

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  24. My dogs would never, ever, leave something in their bowls. My cat, however, always likes to leave a 'little something' for later. I'm more like the dogs than the cat! Best wishes. Cro xx

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