Thursday, May 30, 2013

My poor doctor

In a few minutes I'm leaving for a doctor's appointment and my stomach and heart are doing cartwheels.

There's nothing wrong with me – well, there's a LOT wrong but that's not the business of my family doctor – maybe something a skilled psychologist might tackle in a couple of lifetimes but that's beside the point.

Nah, I'm just going for a little "female" adjustment. Been through it a zillion times. I should be used to hopping up on that examination table and spreading my legs and saying something pithy like, "Would you like me to hold a flashlight?"

Doesn't matter how many times I go through this, it's still nerve-wracking. I lay there and try not to think about it, but honestly all I can think about is my poor doctor stuck there in my icky spot, surrounded by massive flab, cellulite, age spots and varicose veins. I have to stop myself from apologizing to him.

"Sorry I'm such a gross patient. I really wish I had a glamorous vay-jay-jay for you to inspect."

Cause seriously, the poor bugger, looking at women's hoo-hoos and men's wankers all day. I suppose it might be better for him to inspect young, buff crotches and inner thighs, rather than the bumpy old flab he sees in patients like me. And it must be depressing for him, trying to teach me to be healthy and faced front and square with thighs so ginormous that he can barely squeeze the speculum through.

Needless to say, I'm all worked up and the first thing he's going to want to do is take my blood pressure, which will be off the charts thinking about his poor dear face implanted in my hoo-hoo.




30 comments:

  1. OMG I am laughing sooooo hard. I have to go in for the same yearly exam in a week or so and dreading it as well. At least I have a girl doctor.

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  2. You are so very thoughtful...and hilarious!!

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  3. have him check your blood pressure AFTER the examination..it's bound to be lower.

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    1. Especially after I've just DIED of embarrassment!

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  4. I think that's even more information than my wife has told me...

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  5. I have a girl doctor. Didn't make me any less thrilled when she told me I wasn't due for another year. :) HOO-HOO!! (pun intended)

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    1. LOL!!! Girl or boy doc, it doesn't really help!

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  6. Your blog has it all:
    * stories ripped from real life -- check
    * colorful cast of characters -- check
    * self-deprecating sense of humor -- check
    * beautiful, descriptive language... language that will put a picture in your head... even pictures that horrify and you never wanted there in the first place... pictures that you just. can't. get. out. of. your. head... no matter how hard you try... even with a Hoover to your ear... dammit get out get out GET OUT! -- um, yeah, check

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    1. HA! A most awesome comment, Mr. Tim! *passes you the ultrasonic Hoover and a Q-Tip*

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  7. Good luck. Not fun. But perhaps this (supposedly true) story will give you some inspiration for next year. Picture a woman, heading off for the same examination. Being a considerate soul, she got the flannel out and gave herself a quick ablution first. And THEN, noticed that her teenage daughter had first used the flannel to remove glitter from her face. Now think a hoo-hoo covered in teeny-weeny glitter flakes. A whole star-burst of them. I hope the doctor smiled. Glitter can brighten up any number of things - in much the same way your posts make me smile.

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    1. Next time I shall bring glitter!!!! (That poor, poor woman!)

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  8. It never gets any better does it.

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  9. I am laughing so hard right now, because you and I think so much alike Cathy-(I could have written this post myself) But of course, I went one better and actually apologized for the fatness of my thighs and the grossness of my varicose veins, to my ob-gyn doctor. He laughed his ass off at first and then he got all serious and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Jen, let me tell you. Fat thighs and veins don't even register on my radar. It's the filthy, dirty, vile smelling crotches that do me in! One time, we couldn't get the rancid, rotting smell of one girl out of an exam room for weeks!!" I couldn't believe it. Then I realized, feck it, he's right! Who cares how fat I am, at least me and my hoo hoo are always clean and never smell!

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    1. LOL!!! Good one, Jay! Yeah, I think if I was a doc smell would be the worst factor! Ew, ew, ew!!!

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  10. This is really funny! Good luck with your checkup.

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  11. At least your doc isn't a proctologist, having to deal with ass holes day after day.

    I hope your experience goes well, and that you stay healthy!

    Blessings and Bear hugs!
    Bears Noting, Life in the Urban Forest (poetry).

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  12. I'm sure you both survived with some dignity intact - although that's about the most undignified exam I can think of. :)

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  13. Ah yes I hear that many ladies dislike this routine but I have not had any issues and have no idea why. ODD!

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  14. ...and that is why I have a female doctor. Even so, I left the office feeling old, flabby, and defeated.

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  15. I will never forget that first gyno looked and sounded like Dom Deluise. You dear, deserve ice cream, two scoops with nuts, whipped cream and two maraschino cherries.

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  16. I can't tell you how I needed a laugh tonight, my friend--thank you!!! Last time I was in to the gynie, I said, "Ya know, I usually make a man buy me dinner first."

    THAT was a fast exam.
    Hee!!

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  17. We knew a OBGYN in my home town. I remember him telling my mother one time, that he has so many woman say hello to him when he's out and about, but can never put a name to the "face". He said if they would bend over and flip their skirt he'd probably know who he was talking to, hahahahahah.
    As a woman of a certain age, I feel your embarrassment!

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  18. Hope all is well with you and hope the exam went well! Take care
    x

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  19. LOL .... Awesome blog. Sandra

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  20. I am still laughing Cathy! I couldn't have described it any better. Glad to see you are still posting, albeit infrequently.

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  21. I hope it all went well. Glad you could see the funny side even though you were dreading it.

    Blessings to you.

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