Bizarre questions for Tim VanSant: #3

I just read Tim VanSant's Friday Flash (it was lovely, by the way) and it occurred to me that I hadn't yet posted his answer to my third question. So I searched through my e-mails and found his answer – in a message dated last JUNE.

How embarrassing.

He probably thinks I didn't like it, or abandoned him, or something but in complete fact I just forgot – for no other reason than I forget everything these days. Please bring licorice allsorts when you visit me in the home. Oh, and those butterscotch candies. And some Twizzlers. If it's not too much trouble. Wiping the drool spigot off my lip would be nice as well, and I could use a fresh diaper to crap in. Thanks.

Tim VanSant is one of my Friday Flash writing compadres and for some reason his dry wit interests the heck outta me. So for no other reason than I find him compelling I asked him a few dumb questions.  For some equally inane reason he decided to answer.

And then I forgot about it. (Ooooh, is that a castle?)

What the hell do you do all day anyway? 

You have no idea how badly I wanted to give you a one-word answer to this question:

Breathe

Because that's the only thing I can think of that I do "all day" and because taking things to literal extremes is apparently a genetic trait that usually passes for humor in my family. But I suspect you wouldn't let me get away with a one-word answer.

I knew a woman who always answered the question, "What do you do?" with this:

"When?"

I think that's brilliant. It puts a unique spin on otherwise banal cocktail party small talk. I suck at small talk. But you had to go and ask what I do all day. So I can't steal that answer. Damn. I love stealing good material.

I tried writing my answer poetically since I am a self-described rogue poet. I came up with gems such as:

Really, I'm not keeping track

Maybe I should make a list

Enquiring minds want to know

Important details aren't missed

Note to self, poetry is NOT the answer to everything....

So, how can I answer this and balance honesty, privacy, and humor? Okay, obviously honesty is expendible. It's not likely that anyone is going to check up on me. You're not going to check up on me, right? So I could tell you pretty much ANTHING and you'd have to take me at my word. But I promise [cough] to mostly tell the truth.

For nearly all of my adult life I would tell people that what I do is contribute to the delinquency of minors. Or mess with kids' heads. Or practice being a bad example. [Or practice being invisible.] Or put groups of people to sleep with just a few words. That's right. I was a teacher. Mostly in public high schools and mostly in techie subjects like Drafting and Electronics. But I don't do that any more. So now I'm looking for my next career. 

In the meantime, I write a little. And edit a bit. [Will work for food... or cash. Reasonable rates. Inquire within.] I often help family members with computer stuff. [My oldest sister just convinced our parents -- who are in their 80s -- to get broadband instead of dial-up. Yay, sis!] I help maintain the FridayFlash.org website and play around on my own site. And there's all the double-naught super secret spy stuff. [You know the drill; I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.] And there's the nunnaya. [Nunnaya bizness ;-)] Oh, also I've been weaving a meditation rug from yarn made out of lint I collected while contemplating my navel. So there's that....

Really, my life right now is pretty boring. I've heard it said though that boredom can be irresistible sometimes. Or maybe it's cookies that are iresistible. And pie. And cake. Ooooh, and cheesecake! Now I'm hungry. What was the question?

Oh yeah. Are you bored yet?

~Tim

Tim VanSant may or may not be funny looking: bizarre questions for Tim VanSant numero dos (and by the way the pig photo really freaks me out)

   

Q: Why do we never see a photo of you? A BIG photo. I googled you, see, and found only two. In one you were ice climbing or something and your face was covered with goggles (not googles). In the second photo, well, that's a lie – the second photo was so small I couldn't even GUESS what was in it... So what's the deal with you and photos? Are ya funny lookin' or are you hiding from the feds?

A: Who you callin' funny lookin'?

It's simply not true that there are no photos of me online. Granted, I haven't posted any recently. And most of the ones that are posted don't have my name on them. In fact [speaking of modesty], I once bared all -- shocking, but true. Brace yourself. This is not for the faint of heart.

And I bet you thought that I don't just break cameras with my looks, I broke the whole damn Google Images thing. Be honest, now. To be fair though, I not only have posted photos without my name on them, I have appeared in disguise. [About that hiding from the feds thing, I plead the fifth. Wait, you're in Canada. Is "plead the fifth" too much of a U.S.-centric reference?] 

Anyway, I suppose you might have seen this

or this

or this

or this

and you simply could not tell it was me. I'm like a freakin' chameleon, right? Comes in handy for those double-naught super secret spy missions that I -- but I've said too much already. I don't want to give you the wrong impression.

The fact is, I'm more comfortable behind the camera than in front of it. I used to post a lot of photos, but of places I went and people I saw. Photos of me? Not so much. So I'm not very visible online. In fact, I practice being invisible. It's a Jedi mind trick. 

Cathy: Let me see your photos. 

Obi-Tim: [with a small wave of his hand] You don't need to see his photos. 

Cathy: We don't need to see his photos. 

Obi-Tim: These aren't the photos you're looking for. 

Cathy: These aren't the photos we're looking for. 

Obi-Tim: He can go about his business. 

Cathy: You can go about your business. 

Obi-Tim: Move along. 

Cathy: Move along... move along. 

And just like that, I vanish before your eyes. But seriously, ice climbing is one of the coolest [no pun intended] things I have ever done! It was a gorgeous summer day on the Mat-Su glacier in Alaska. It really was just about the best day ever. Plus, not a fed in sight in any direction. So it's one of the few photos of me that I like.

Hey, wouldn't it have been hilarious if I were really horribly disfigured? And that's why I don't allow photos of myself or post any online? And then your question brought that secret to light? And I would have been all like, "Thanks, Cathy! As if your first question didn't cause me enough emotional turmoil." And you would have been all like, "Oops, sorry Tim. My bad." And then we'd both have been like, "Well, were still friends though, right? Bygones and all." And then we would have shared a beverage and we would have laaaauuughed, because it's just so freakin' funny that my secret was out. I mean, that would have been funny... right?

Bored yet?

~Tim

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On the Interweb: www.timvansant.com

On the Blog: www.timvansant.com/otoh

On the Twitter: www.twitter.com/timvansant

On the Facebook: www.facebook.com/tim.vansant.writes

On the Goodreads: www.goodreads.com/timvansantwrites

On Dasher, on Dancer, on Donner, on Blitzen....