Toilet paper wars: which way is the right way?

Obviously toilet paper has to be hung on the wall with the tail against the wall.

How else can you get one-handed access? And yet my husband insists on putting the toilet paper the other way, so that when I really need it in a hurry, and who doesn't sometimes, admit it, I have to flounder around, trying to grasp it with two hands while precious seconds (and other things) are disappearing in an elegant swirl down the poop pipe.

He actually goes into the bathroom and switches it on me. The nerve. Of course I switch it back. What choice do I have? You have to stand up for what's right, fight the good fight. If you don't defend your own toilet paper dispenser, you might as well roll over for the rest of the world.

Besides, this is how toilet paper should be hung. It was done this way at my parents' house. It was done this way at my ex-husband's house because, erm, I was bossy that way. Come to think of it, that's probably why he cheated. The toilet paper thing probably emasculated him. Had to find his toilet testosterone somewhere else. Hey, it happens.

Dave doesn't put up with my shit. No pun intended. He was raised in a house where toity paper was overhanded and he sincerely believes that is the best way. Now, I've caved on a bunch of stuff where Dave is concerned, like not putting relish in my pasta salad, which I loved, and bringing the water to boil before I drop the corn in, but toilet paper is a make or break issue and I take it seriously.

Dave isn't the worst offender, however. Did you know there are people in this world who will go into the bathroom in your house and change your toilet paper around? Incredible, isn't it? If there's any place on earth that is truly your private space, it's the bathroom. Sacrosanct. If your home is a castle then it's no wonder the toilet is called a throne.

I was just thinking that toilet paper hanging is a lot like religion. I was raised going to a United Church so therefore my allegiance is to the United Church, even though I go maybe once a year if I'm lucky. I'm not even sure what my religious beliefs are, to be honest, but I do know I feel a certain peace in the familiarity of "my" church. Being there, hearing the same words that I heard as a child, makes me comforted.

It's how I was raised.

The toilet paper thing? That's also how I was raised. Having someone mess with the toity paper holder is like people in suits coming to the door and trying to get me to switch religions. They hand me a piece of paper, the toity paper holder hands me a piece of paper – it's all just paper, right? Why should I worry about how I get it and just use it for how it was intended?

Man, those religious leaflets though, they're hard on the butt. No matter how you hold 'em.