AMERICAN AT HEART
ALAN W. DAVIDSON
St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada
Blogging at Conversations From Land's Edge
Unfortunately, I have a little unfinished business before I can begin American Weeks in earnest. You see that guy? That's Alan Davidson of Newfoundland. He's been like salt cod in a festering wound since I first called for American stories. I keep telling him he's a Canadian, that this showcase is for American writers, but he keeps screeching about beer and guns and ample bosom fondling and I just can't deal with him anymore.
To show you how far he's taken this, I post this letter he e-mailed me a few days ago.
I do solemnly swear to bring you a real American writer tomorrow.
In the meantime, I do believe you will get a giggle or two from Uncle Alan who, I must say, looks dashing in red, white and blue.
Dear Ms. Olliffe:
This open letter is a rebuttal to your flagrant rejection of my essay I am Alan and I am American for the upcoming ‘All-American’ week at your blog. I took great offense to your e-mail “outing me” as a Canadian and labeling me a ‘spineless traitor’ and a ‘Newfie panty-waist.’
The fact that I was not born in the U.S.A. is no reason to trash a fairly well-crafted essay. I should remind you that I was not born in Canada either, yet my essay Canada and America: The Great Divide was published on Michael J. Solender’s blog during his recent ‘All-Canadian week’.
I present you with my ten reasons proving I am truly American at heart:
1. Hemingway and Steinbeck are my favorite writers and my dog-eared copy of To Kill a Mockingbird is almost unreadable due to maple syrup fingerprints and donut filling stains. When I write, I eschew traditional British/Canadian spellings in favor of the more streamline American spellings. Words such as: favorite, donut, color, neighbor and nite are more sensible spelled as such.
2. I don’t like hockey or Molson’s products and prefer to watch baseball while drinking American brands of beer and eating TV dinners.
3. Being American will allow me to openly cheer for a country that will win more than two medals at the summer Olympics in London in 2012.
4. While standing during the playing of God Save the Queen at Canadian sporting events, I secretly hear the words to My Country, ‘Tis of Thee echoing in my head. Or perhaps the voices have again returned…
5. As with Scottish bagpipe music, I would tear up when listening to the late Kate Smith sing God Bless America prior to Philadelphia Flyer playoff games.
6. In Canada we don’t have the tradition of placing our right hand across our heart during the playing of the Star Spangled Banner. This saddens me because the noble tradition shows tremendous respect and, at the same time, allows me to have a short and secret grope of my ample left breast.
7. I have traveled America from Saginaw, Michigan to Disneyland and from the Sea Lion Caves in Oregon to the Boston Gardens. I’ll have you know that I’ve even been to Graceland. Elvis had left the building. I have been to more U.S. locations than many Americans and feel that I should be afforded honorary status.
8. When I wrap myself up in the Canadian flag the solid red and white bars make my ass look big. I prefer the slimming effect of the red and white stripes...and the blue brings out the color of my eyes.
9. Many years ago, while touring a weapons factory in the Northwest frontier region of Pakistan, I was able to fire rounds from a Beretta 92 semi-automatic pistol and a Kalashnikov assault rifle. Once the smell of gunpowder reached my flared nostrils, and the feeling returned to my arm, I knew that I was hooked. Sadly, these are not hunting weapons and can not be purchased in Canada (however they are readily available in select locations around the US).
10. My dear friend of 35 years is an immigration lawyer in a major metropolitan center in America and has me one step away from Whistling Dixie…
In conclusion, Ms. Olliffe, I hope the points listed above have you reconsidering your narrow-minded, BIFFO opinions regarding my national status. In short, I ask you to please reconsider publishing my essay “I am Alan and I am American” as part of your ‘All-American” week.
Your Humble Servant,
Alan W. Davidson
Head Honcho at Conversations From Land’s Edge
Alan W. Davidson is not, and likely never will be, a pest. He is one of the true gentlemen of the blogging world, a favourite amongst other writers from all over the world. He is also an amazing writer. He doesn't write #fridayflash often but, when he does, you owe it to yourself to give him a read.
I hope to meet Alan and his family this summer when Dave and I honeymoon in Newfoundland.
Thanks for writing this intro, Alan.
You're a real pal.