Monday, February 6, 2012

Bitchy people, wrinkles and blogging buddies

I'm fecking old. Look at those wrinkles. Time for Old of Olay.


Quiet day here.

There's a fire in the wood stove, a chicken defrosting on the counter. Ben, the white cat, is sitting in the windowsill, licking what used to be his balls. I'm doing laundry, in spite of the fact that it costs more on a weekday (stupid Hydro), because I'm preparing for my surgery tomorrow. Whenever I prepare for anything – a camping trip, dinner guests, cataract surgery – I do laundry. When the beds have clean sheets, when every last towel is clean and smells fresh, I feel fully prepared for whatever lies ahead. Probably if I was ever called away to some emergency the first thing I would do is throw in a load of whites.

***

Yesterday something funny happened. Me and Dave (Dave and me? WTF, I'll never get it straight) went to Scrawl-Mart to pick up an office chair for my son, Sam. And some carrots, because I eat 10 pounds per week – I'm not shittin' ya. I think my skin is tinged with orange.

A woman came up to me in the produce section. She had a warm, curious smile on her face.

"Are you Cathy?" she asked.

I nodded. Unsure. Did I owe her money?

"I read your blog," she said. "I wasn't sure at first if it was you but then I saw Dave and I knew!"

I laughed. "A blogger friend of mine named Alan Davidson says Dave is the most photographed man on the internet."

We had a great conversation, standing by the carrots in Wal-Nuts. Sue lives just up the road from me, near Bracebridge, Ontario. She has just started beekeeping and she runs a nifty blog called Backyard Bees. (You should pay her a visit – her poor blog is kinda lonely and she has funny stories about backing into trees and runaway roosters.) Anyway, Sue was LOVELY. I was thrilled to meet her. Truth be known, I think bloggers are the nicest people. I've never come across a blogger I don't like. (Here's a link to the time I met Alan and Laurita Miller.) My dream is to meet all of them. Sue Harding suggested chartering a jet and fly around meeting everyone. Wouldn't that just be the cat's ass?

Another blogger friend of mine, Shelagh Duffett (an amazing artist, photographer and writer) went to a luncheon for all the local bloggers in her neighbourhood. You have to go and check her post. They had amazingly gorgeous, luscious food and, I'm sure, plenty of fabulous conversation. I know from past experience that when you meet other bloggers, you never run out of things to talk about. They're like best friends you didn't even know you had.

As for meeting Sue, I have another thing to confess: if truth be told it was also AWESOME to have somebody stop you in a store and RECOGNIZE you from your BLOG! I mean, come on, you'd be lying if you denied it! I walked around on Cloud Nine the whole rest of the day! Back in the days when I didn't say back in the days, I wrote a column for a community newspaper, part of my job as a reporter. It was common to have people come up to you in the grocery store and say, "Aren't you that arsehole who works for the paper?" But this was the first time it has happened since I started blogging a couple years ago. Thanks so much, Sue!

Some day I'd like to host a tea for the bloggers in this neck of the woods. I'd have to invite Sue, my friend Deb, Malcolm, Sarah and Ed, for starters. I just know we'd have plenty to yak about.

***

It's been a weird few weeks, being at home, unable to see clearly. I was hoping to have gotten some writing done but, honestly, I can't see well enough to do it. Heck, I was playing cards with friends the other night and I couldn't see what cards were turned up. I had to ask. Their answer was always, "That's the Queen of hearts." I believed them the first 18 times they told me that. Tomorrow is the surgery. I'm excited to be able to see again but I'm nervous.

Somebody asked me, "How can you blog if you can't see?" Answer? I can't! Good thing I touch-type. Good thing I have spell-check. Good thing I can blow up my computer screen, like, a million per cent.

I called the Huntsville blood clinic to ask if I could squeeze in some blood work before the surgery. I have to fast anyway so I thought I'd get my cholesterol checked at the same time. I've been holding on to the requisition form for a while now because it's such a pain in the ass to fast and then get to the clinic, blah, blah, blah.

So I phoned the girl to ask if she thought I had time and, MAN, WHAT A BIATCH! She was the grumpiest of all grumpy-assed-grumps I've talked to in a long time! I was polite, and nice, and told her I had to be at the hospital at 9 a.m. for surgery and did she think I had time for blood work? You'd think I'd ask her for her LIVER. Feck! Not surprised, though. Every time I go there I am dazzled by the complete rudeness. The nurses are OK but the people who do the paperwork are just ignorant! (So sue me! It's the truth! You think people LIKE fasting and getting blood work done? You ever think they're not well and maybe you should be NICE to them?)

***

Yesterday I used all my Shopper's Drug Mart Optimum points (and some of Dave's money) to buy a bunch of Oil of Olay products (thanks, honey-bun). Since I lost 56 pounds (and still am going for more) my face has sagged. It's like someone popped a friggin' balloon. I went from lovely fat-puffed skin to an old lady in less than six months.

Don't bother shoring up my ego. It's true. The only good thing about fat is it pouffs out your wrinkles.

Normally I ignore the ads on Facebook but I saw one for a skincare test for Oil of Olay and I was bored so I did it. The recommended a bunch of skin care products for old bags such as myself. (If you want to do the test, go here.)

Already I've used it twice and, by rights, I should look like a teenager again.

Pfffft.

***

If I die on the slab tomorrow, please, will someone please finish my novel? It's 75% done. I'd appreciate volunteers so Dave can give you a call if I croak.

Also, to my kids and my husband and my family and you, of course – I love you all. Even though you're a big pain in my ass sometimes.

***

P.S. I've got Weight Watchers tonight and I think I'm in trouble. I had french fries the other night. NECTAR OF THE GODS. And now I think they're stuck on my lily white ever-loving, growing-smaller arse. Can you see them? Yep, that's them. Swiss Chalet specials.

God I miss junk food. God I miss seeing. God I'm long-winded. Sorry.

P.S.S. I've got lots more letters to come in my Letters from a Friend series. If I don't croak tomorrow, I'll post them when I get a chance. Just so you know I haven't forgotten y'all. (I love saying y'all.)


56 comments:

  1. So you are a celebrity being recognized in Wally Mart and all...whoohoooo. You are NOT going to croak so there.....you are going to be just fine and you will be able to see from here to China. I'd better do my whites.

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    1. Delores, don't you just love how many names there are for Wal-mart? And thanks for the good wishes. You're right, I didn't croak. Although I did ribbett-ribbett a bit.

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  2. Wow ... so much to love about this post. You make writing seems so effortless ...

    1. Awesome you met a fan ... That is SO cool.

    2. yes ... There SHOULD be a jet ... If anything we should all pick a date this year and meet in VEGAS!!!

    3. This line was just freakin' hilarious: "Ben, the white cat, is sitting in the windowsill, licking what used to be his balls...." POOR BEN ;)

    Good luck tomorrow, Cathy!!

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  3. Good luck tomorrow... I will purr for you!

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    1. Daisy! Thanks for your purrs and Happy Birthday, cutie-pie!

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  4. Ha ha ha ha! Cathy, I'm sitting here chuckling away (with bemused son-and-heir looking curiously in my direction!) thinking about you ad a rejuvenated teen, courtesy of skincare products!

    I have a few years on you so be warned about joints that seize up as well as the flab that follows the drop in poundage, plus the early onset of short/long/any-term memory loss; the inability to do up one's shoe laces unless already sitting down ..... The list is endless....and given the strides of medical science I could be in for a few more decades yet!

    Meanwhile - as for hiring a jet, are any of the bloggers
    qualified pilots? We could save a bit on expenses if we have our own pilot (my expertise only runs to stunt driving - might be useful in eventI of a quick getaway!) and you could be the 'trolley-dolly'...... ;-)

    Sincerely, kiddo - hope the surgery goes well - will be thinking of you! (and no 'pirate' impressions when you have to wear your eye guard! ;-p)

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    1. (disregard the typos - why did I think this was easier on my phone than firing up the laptop? .......& I need new glasses........!)

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    2. Sue - "Bemused son and heir." I got two of those and they're always looking at me like I'm on some kind of weird drugs. I say it's good to keep 'em guessing!

      I don't personally know of any pilots but I think we should def recruit some asap!

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  5. Cathy that was such a delight to read. I second Anthony's statement you do make writing seem effortless and you have that nack of being able to entertain your reader. It's like we're sitting around a table drinking coffee and all laughing together.

    So now you're famous (thinking about rushing down to Woolworths to see if anyone recognises me - won't get my hopes up though ^__^

    My best wishes for your surgery, good luck darlin we'll be thinking of you.

    Here's some sparkly glitter to light you on your way.


    ¨`*:.. ☾¸¸.☆¨¯` ☽‿↗⁀↘‿↗⁀☆ 。•*¨*•

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    1. x¨`*:.. ☾¸¸.☆¨¯` ☽‿↗⁀↘‿↗⁀☆ 。•*¨*
      Helen, I just realized I am commenting twice. BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
      May I say again, WOOLWORTH'S! You're so LUCKY!

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  6. What everyone else said.

    And thank you, for the laughs. Needed them.

    The fan thing... so cool. If I pubbed my family on my blog, here in Baltimore someone would likely stalk us, rob us, and leave us for dead. Hence the anonymity of sorts...

    Good-luck tomorrow. All will be well. You will be able to see the nector of the gods stuck to your skinny heiny.

    Ciao baby, and peace...

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  7. Good luck tomorrow, Cathy! We're new friends on Facebook.Thanks for the request and I'm looking forward to reading more from you. I already enjoy your humor. I'm sure it will all look better in the morning or at least a bit later. Best wishes.

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  8. It really is amazing how bloggers have an instant connection. You are so right, never run out of things to talk about. So exciting to meet face to face I imagine it is like meeting a pen pal for the first time.
    Best of luck on your surgery tomorrow. You will be like a new woman!! xoxoxox Shelagh

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  9. Who doesn't miss the junk food? Liars, that's who. But you're doing great, Cathy. Take care of yourself and those eyes. To go all Blue Lantern, all will be well.

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  10. I returned to the pop-up window because it was causing problems, but I do like how easy it was to reply to each lovely comment! Guess I'll do it the "old-fashioned way." Old, just like moi.

    Delores - YES, I am such a celebrity!!!!! I'm laughing uproariously as I write that!!!! :)

    Anthony - That is SUCH a good idea. And also a very, very bad idea. Can you imagine all us bloggers in Vegas? Can you imagine Alan in his fez and me with my wrinkles and Daisy with her hairballs? I mean, that there is a story just dying to be written. (I passed on the message to Ben. He says thank you. In a falsetto.)

    Daisy - Thank you for your purrs, dahling. My cats love you by the way.

    Mark - thanks sweetie!

    Sue - I am TOTALLY doing pirate impressions. Been practising my accent and everything. I laughed at your comment about you laughing. God, it's good to laugh. And typos? Who cares! i can't see 'em!

    Helen - you still have Woolworths? Jealous! We used to have Woolworths. I LOVED their lunch counter. It was so 60s! Thanks so much for your glitter! ¨`*:.. ☾¸¸.☆¨¯` ☽‿↗⁀↘‿↗⁀☆ 。•*¨*•

    Jeremy - why, thank you sir!

    Linda - I just love you to 'peaces', you know that, right?

    Kristin - so terrific to see you here! I've been a fan of your photography for ages, ever since I first saw it on Michael Solender's blog. Thanks so much for dropping by!

    Shelagh - I surely wish I had of been there for that spread at Aimee's house. Boyzohboyz you east coasters know how to serve up tea!

    John - I know! That's totally true! The nice thing is I can still have it once in a while as long as i plan for it and don't get all bent out of shape about it. I do believe now that if a person eats healthy 99% of the time, the odd french fry ain't gonna kill ya.

    OH! THIS JUST IN - I lost two pounds this week at Weight Watchers! WOO HOO!!!!!!!

    And thanks everyone, for their good wishes. I am honestly scared crap-less and I appreciate your good vibes and purrs.

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  11. woot on those 2 pounds -- off to eat some nectar of the gods ;^) nighty-night. peace...

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    1. You had french fries Linda? Were they good? No, were they GREAT? They were, weren't they? mmmmmm

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  12. A friend of mine once said, about shirts taken to the Chinese laundry that came back with wrinkles pressed in, "Those are status wrinkles." I'm here to say, right here, right now: so are ours.

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  13. Susan - Status wrinkles. Love it!!!

    Jenn - Thank you! Too bad you're not in Muskoka anymore or you'd definitely be here for tea!

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  14. Oh darn, my comment didn't show, it did something wonky and now I don't remember what I said..lol So I'll just say good luck tomorrow!! You'll be peachy :-)

    (((hugs)))

    oh, and congrats on your first recognition, after tomorrow you'll be able to recognize her also :-)

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    1. Hi Shannon! Thanks for the hugs! And you're right, I'm peachy! Like a big old jar of peach jam, that's me!

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  15. Funny, funny, funny. Thanks, Cathy, for making me laugh. It is a godly thing you do.

    My best wishes to you for the morrow.

    And the wrinkles? Character marks. Honest!

    Seems I have a lot of character. :-}

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    1. Hey Kev, does that mean I'm going to heaven? (I just about typed heavy instead of heaven... if I continue to lust after french fries, it may happen...) Thanks!!!!

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  16. I'm so oblivious to the people around me that I don't think I would ever recognize a fellow blogger in the store, and if someone recognized me from my blog I'd probably get all paranoid with thinking I'd been found out. :)
    Your writing is fun and refreshing btw.

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    1. Rubye, Rubye, Rubye - "refreshing?" You DO say the nicest things!!! Thanks so much!

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  17. I will have to keep my eyes peeled...living less than an hour south of you, it may just happen!
    I see you've signed up for the A-Z challenge too, should be fun!

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    1. Oh god, Ron, don't peel your eyes... save that for the eye surgeons!!! Hey, I go shopping down Orillia/Barrie way every chance I get. (Unfortunately for my bank book) Nice to meetcha!

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  18. I have only met one blogger in person (and she was a gem) but am corresponding with others. The blogosphere is such a warm, supportive and loving place.
    Sending heaps of good wishes for your surgery tommorrow.

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    1. EC, you are seriously nice. I bet you're a gem, too!

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  19. Yeah, I've been using Oil of Old-Lay for years. Helps me keep my girlish looks.

    Best of luck with the cataract thingy tomorrow. But if you perish, I'm sure that Dave can ship your manuscript out here and Laurita and I could finish it off...put sort of a Newfie flair to the book, sure.

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    1. So Oil of Old-Lay is your secret? I don't mean to be rude, Alan, but it kinda sounds like a nickname for an old girlfriend????

      By, you can totally add an accent to the book, sure.

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  20. Big hugs and best wishes for today. Even on the eve of your surgery, here you are making everyone chuckle. No wonder you have fans stopping you in the streets (or Wal-Mart). You'll be able to finish that novel in record time with your new eyes.

    Did somebody say Vegas? :)

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    1. VEGAS!!!!! Let's go, Laurita! I hear Anthony is paying!

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  21. Good grief. I laughed all the way through this post! Absolutely love your writing and voice! Consider me a fan, as well :) Thanks for stopping by my post and for your encouraging comments! WIsh you could have joined us! It's absolutely true, what you said about bloggers: we're all friends just waiting to happen.

    Best of luck with this surgery today! Hope you're back on your feet quickly - but if not, tell Dave to forward me your outline? ;)

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    1. Oh Aimee, I wish I was there, too. The food looked AMAZING!!! So glad to see you here! Thanks so much!

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  22. Best with the surgery! Hope you see us soon! ;)

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    1. Thanks Austan! I hope you're staying strong over there and eating some bacon for me!

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  23. If this is a double posting, please forgive me - your blog is not cooperating ... I missed your news but just saw Dave's update that all is well. I'm so relieved! I'm joining for you in your quest for face cream - aging is a bitch! But congrats on the weight loss - you are wonder woman! :-)

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    1. I hate it when my blog doesn't cooperate, especially for you PJ! Thanks so much for the visit and no, I'm no wonder woman. I don't think she dreams of cheesecake.

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  24. Wishing you all the very best and hope everything goes well.

    Rory

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  25. I feel almost famous ......I'm in your blog! I was such a pleasure meeting you and Dave. You are awesome people......good luck on your eyes....can't wait for posts.

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    1. Hey, "Almost Famous" was good enough for Kate Hudson, right? It was so nice to meet you Sue and I do believe I'm going to take you up on your offer. Hey, love the changes to your blog, btw!

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  26. You may miss junk food and seeing, but you're funny as all get-out, as my mama used to say. First time here, Loved the post - hope you're okay and back seeing clearly.

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    1. Helen, I'm a big fan of yours. I visit all the time. Thank your mama for me!

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  27. I wish I lived in your neck of the woods. I'd love to get together and chat. Not sure what I like better about your blog--the wisdom or the humor. I, too, am obsessive-compulsive about clean sheets, spotless floors, and empty trash receptacles whenever I go away. Why? Because I know no one will take care of things in my absence!
    Leaving in two weeks for Tanzania so You can just imagine what my "to do" list looks like...

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    1. Jan, you're adorable and you're welcome any time. We can wash sheets together. Don't we know how to party? OMG, good look in Tanzania... that sounds so exotic I don't even think I can spell it! Have fun!

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  28. Cathy, Your posts are always so entertaining. Your novel has humor, right? It has to contain your humor. I hope your surgery went well and recovery is smooth and easy.

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    1. Susan, I sure hope my novel is funny. I'm trying! Thanks so much!!!

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  29. Wel you are on the other side now and soon you will see clearly and beautifully again! Glad it went ok.
    Cheers, Shelagh

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    1. Thank you Shelagh! Now I can truly appreciate your beautiful artwork!

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  30. "If you haven't any charity in your heart you have the worst kind of heart trouble" to cure it
    Help people, let's unite for one good cause, be a volunteer"save lives"!
    mawaddainternationalaid

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