Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Life is weird and so are turkeys

Life is weird, isn't it?

Like the wild turkeys I see in this guy's backyard on Highway 118. Every morning I see these turkeys. About a dozen of them, pecking at grass like great globular giant chickens, rotund as satellite dishes and just as ugly. Stupid as dirt they are, but stupid in a good way. Like, I can't help smiling at them. I see them and my mouth rounds to a dimpled "oh" that stretches out to a broad grin as I squeal, "TURKEYS," as if I didn't see them yesterday or the day before. So who's the stupid one, you might well ask. But I can't help it. They're so new on the birding scene. It's still a thrill to see their vast ridiculousness hobnobbing with chickadees in the Muskoka countryside.

If turkeys were in a movie they'd be played by Shrek.

I've often wondered how anything that big, dumb and delicious manages to survive in the wild. They might as well have slow moving vehicle signs pasted on their plump and pointy feathered derrieres. With all the wolves, fishers, bears and men in orange hats around here, it's a wonder there are any turkeys left. But there they are, gobbling at the side of Highway 118 every morning, seemingly unscathed by canine teeth, talons or birdshot.

What kills me though, absolutely kills me, is where, exactly, these dumb birds are hanging out.

At a hunter's house.

Well, I'm not absolutely positive it's a hunter's house. I mean, I didn't go up to the front door and ask to see an outdoors card, but I'm pretty sure the plastic deer in the backyard with an arrow-catching backdrop behind it is a good indication that somebody in the house is practising their bow-hunting skills for deer season.

Either that or it's the summer home of Katniss from The Hunger Games.

Regardless, it astounds me that the turkeys have chosen this yard to hang out in. Right in front of the plastic deer. Maybe they think Katniss only hunts deer, having a plastic deer in the yard and not a plastic turkey. Dudes, I've seen The Hunger Games and she's slung several dumb birds over her shoulder. I'm not sure what kind of birds they were but they had x-marks where their eyeballs used to be which is usually a sign that they'd be first in line at triage in emerg.

I try to tell them that this is not a safe place to hunt and scratch but they don't listen. They barely even lift their heads as I wind down he car window, stick my neck into the stiff September breeze and waggle my tongue against the roof of my mouth in a yodelling "bluddabluddabludda" that sounds exactly like a turkey gobble.

A guy at work whose brother-in-law's uncle twice removed invented a turkey caller gadget, brought this amazing TV-style offering into the office one day and passed one out to everybody. Since then I have been dutifully blowing spit into it but I can't make it work. It sounds more like a ripe raspberry, or one of my own brother-in-law's infamous campfire farts, than a turkey call.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who does drive-by turkey gobbling. My husband does it, too. We both wind down our windows and gobble as loud as we possibly can, much to the utter mortification of our children in the back seat. I tell the kids, hey, it's the thing to do. Everybody gobbles at turkeys. Wouldn't it be great to set up a Stealth -Cam at the side of the road and take pictures of all the humans gobbling as they go by? I'm sure this is an endless source of entertainment for the turkeys. Chicken-necked humans rolling their tongues and spraying spit everywhere, braying like donkeys.

In fact, that's probably why they're hanging out at the side of Highway 118 all the time. Human watching. Giggling and gobbling over the infinite stupidity of giant pasty-faced, featherless, wingless, brainless humans, no doubt saying, "And they say WE'RE stupid."

Life is weird, isn't it?

37 comments:

  1. I'm not sure I gobble when I see turkeys...I think I usually yell, 'SQUEEE!!!! Wook at da tockeys!' They are all over the place here. I was at my mom's last fall with my doggie Pepper and she was going nuts at the front door. I looked out to see 15 huge turkeys strolling through the back yard and across the driveway. FIFTEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. FIFTEEN????? LOL!!! I swear they're taking over the woild, those tockeys!

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  2. I haven't seen a wild turkey since Dad passed away (and no, that's not a comment about Dad).

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  3. I feel like you could replace the word turkeys with sheep in this post and have my opinion on wooly creatures. Is it just turkeys and sheep that fall into the tiny little brain category though? I'm going to have to use my slightly larger brain to think about this. ;)

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    1. Hah! My dog falls into the little brain category, too. So does my former mother-in-law, only she's not cute.

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  4. OMG, I laughed so hard at the image of you gobbling at turkeys. Hilarious!

    And now I want a sandwich.

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    1. With lots of butter and mayo and salt? On fresh bread? With a tall glass of milk?

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  5. I've been seeing turkeys around here lately, when we drive to the in-laws every now and then, and I get quite excited about it for some reason. Amazing, I have thought some of those exact same thoughts (but would never have been able to transcribe the occurence so well and so humourously as you!; no yolk!) -- how is there any still alive and strolling about without a care in the world -- and though I have never gobbled at them, I have been known to quack at ducks, baaa at sheep, and moo at cows. Every time I tell myself they understand me, and quite believe it. Must try the turkey's next time, see if they appreciate my call of the wild.

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    1. Definitely try the turkeys. It brings Doolittle down to a whole new level.

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  6. Drive by turkey gobbling - hilarious!
    We have some wild ones around here but they are rather scrawny.

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  7. We have lots of turkeys here and my mom has them roosting in her trees in the back yard. Come around at suppertime and you can see them run and take off, flapping up to their night perch. They don't always make it the first time...

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    1. I read your comment fast and at first I thought you had written "roasting" in her trees! (mmmmmm, turkey....)
      HA! I can just see them floundering around trying to make it to their perch! They're so funny.

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  8. i was raised with the belief that gobbling at turkeys is a requirement of a fulfilled life

    i'm glad you guys are living up to that belief system! at least i know now that i'm not the only one LOL

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    1. Hahahahaha! Thanks Sherri! It's so great to know there are lots of other gobblers out there!

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  9. We have turkeys all over the place around here, but they're not big and fat. They fly up into trees, too, which is SO weird. I did a post about that a while back. No pictures, unfortunately.

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    1. Turkeys are just plain weird, Andrew. Nothing weirder... OK, so there are probably weirder things... but none that are that tasty!

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  10. " how anything that big, dumb and delicious manages to survive in the wild" -one of the great mysteries of life. Jeez, I'm hungry. Another mystery: why does it take so much fuel to keep our lumbering, ungainly bodies going?

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    1. I dunno, but we'd be freakin' rich if we didn't have to eat!

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  11. Are you sure they're not thinking, "Hey, how come those turkeys get to drive a car?!?!"

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    1. I'm pretty sure you're right. I'm also sure they're thinking this as I drive by: "Oooo, that fat one would look GREAT with stuffing and cranberry sauce up her arse."

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  12. It's no wonder they call them turkeys!

    The dumbest-looking birds we have here are Wood Storks. I don't know if they are really dumb, but they look silly.

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    1. OMG, they ARE funny looking! They look like Phyllis Diller - wrinkly faces in a boa!

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  13. I've seen them on occasion in the area. Once a group of them dashing across Highway 60.

    I've seen more of spruce grouse.

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    1. I adore spruce grouse! We were bicycling down the new leg of the Mew Lake bike trail last fall and twice had to stop for a few spruce grouse munching on berries from a nearby bush. They didn't seem afraid of us in the least. Such happy, inquisitive little birds. Love them.

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  14. They are so ingratiatingly stoopid that cars stop for them to cross the road, and drivers even stand in the highway to take a picture of little chicks in mama's wake. I seem to be the only person they have not paid off for going feet first through two awnings in an aborted take off from roosting overnight on the roof. Then there was the turkey dung the chimney repair guys waded through.

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    1. Turkey dung? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! In the chimney? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't know why I find that so funny, Joanne, but I'm seriously laughing here! *imagining turkey turds the size of meadow muffins*

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  15. We have several flocks of turkeys that live in the trees by our house. The other day I was backing out of the driveway and one flew directly at my windshield, coasted up and over the car and landed in the yard next door.

    At 730am... scared the crap out of me. And set off my backup senors. :)

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    1. LOL!!!! I'm sorry, it probably did scare the crap outta you, but I would have paid to see that turkey skating over top of the car and fwapping over to the neighbours. TOO FUNNY!

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  16. Turkeys are not only witless, but they are also bold as brass. Crazy things strutted through our camp site!

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    1. I seriously think they're too stooooopid to be afraid. It's the only thing that makes sense!

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  17. I don't see wild turkeys very often, but The Husband is a hunter, and we get tons of wildlife, (especially deer) that congregate in my backyard. I try and shoo Bambi away, and start making noise so they spook and run before he finds them.

    After a fierce battle, I won the wildlife in my yard sanctuary. The Husband promised he wouldn't kill anything in my backyard, unless it threatened to kill him first. He respected my wishes, up until a ginormous buck with a rack "nicer than mine" came along.... sigh.

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  18. Huge smiles here. I have never, ever seen a wild turkey but would make (bad) gobble, gobble, gobble noises if I did. Re embarassing your children? Tell them to thank their lucky stars that you don't gobble/gobble/gobble in the poultry section of the supermarket or the butcher. It is never to early to start considering least bad options.

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  19. Too funny. But ya know, those turkeys might not be so dumb after all. Maybe they know they aren't "in season" for hunting, or that it's against the law to shoot them in a residential area, so they're safe in that hunter's yard. Years ago, my husband and a friend went dove hunting, and were gone all day without seeing a single dove. Know why? The boogers were in our neighborhood, roosting on the lines and fences as pretty as you please. Not sure, but I think a couple of them might've stuck out their tongues...

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  20. Oh everyone does this and if they say they don't they're lying or have never seen turkeys hanging out. Our turkey imitations around here go, "Loddleloddleloddle." Try speaking Vermonter to your locals.

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  21. That was the most fun I've had reading a blog post in a long time! I'm so glad you decided to write about turkeys.

    Do you have any good ones on chickens?

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