Monday, February 11, 2013

I'm an addict and it's all my mother's fault



Of COURSE I blame my mother. My addiction is totally her fault. Not in an esoteric blame-the-mother-for-everything kind of way, but in a real "Cathy you should play jellies" way. She might as well have started me on heroin.

My name is Cathy Olliffe-Webster and I am a fecking jellies addict. No, not Jell-O. (Who in their right mind is addicted to Jell-O? Other than those kids in Bill Cosby's Jell-O tree, which is plain weird if you ask me, a grown man with a backyard full of trees with kids in 'em.) Jellies. As in "the jellies," aka Candy Crush Saga or something on Facebook.

She told me about them a few months ago because she needed her FB friends to play the game and give her more lives. She was like a junkie, my lovely, otherwise elegant mother, with this jellie gleam in her eye. (If she looked like that on The Walking Dead, she'd get a shovel to the head, and I say that in the nicest of all possible ways, Mom.)

"I am NOT playing that jellie game," I told her. "I know what I'm like. It'll take over my life."

"Just play it for a little while," she wheedled. "Just long enough to help out the woman who was in labour with you for 48 and a half long, painful, excruciating hours."

OK, forget about The Walking Dead look – at this point she looked more like Puss 'n Boots on Shrek.

At first I ignored her. "Just say no to jellies" is my motto. But Dave couldn't. "I can't believe you won't help our your own mother," he said, turning the computer on to Facebook.

"DON'T DO IT," I screamed. But he went down to the basement by himself, figuratively, and started playing The Jellies.

Next thing I knew, I was a Jellies Widow. Every spare chance he had, Dave was on the computer playing The Jellies. After a week or so of that he needed something stronger so he was on to some Pyramid Solitaire game, and then he was rescuing pets and planting crops in Farmville and I was a lonely, lonely woman. I'd lost my mother and my husband to the addiction. You'd think it would be enough incentive to stay clear, but I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. After all, it looked stupid. So one day I started with The Jellies, just an experiment you understand. I was only going to try it. Just once. Just ... once ....

It's hopeless, now. I've got jellie tracks all up and down my arms. I ignore my husband, my children, my blog, my writing – everything that ever meant anything to me. I am not interested in anything other than The Jellies, the beautiful Jellies ...

Depends are the best way to get maximum time with The Jellies. I don't need to eat. Caffeine is injected in an IV and I haven't slept in four days. My Precious Jellies. My Precious ...







35 comments:

  1. I sure am glad I read this before I accepted your invitation to join you in this candy coated madness!!!!

    I got hooked in to facebook farming a few years ago and decided no more. I do still have a small popping habit but it's manageable as long as I don't add any new challengers...I can quit anytime I want. No, really.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stay away from the jellies, Harry! I don't want you to wind up like me – you're actually a GOOD writer... shame to flush that all away for some stoooopid jellies.

      Delete
  2. See? This is what camping outside in the snow and rain does to you!
    Perhaps we should hire a deprogrammer...
    ~Just Jill

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! Please! A deprogrammer and an interventionist and... never mind.. pass the jelly beans, please.

      Delete
  3. I have played candy crush and now I'm on to galactic gems. Love those little blasters and the sound effects.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right? (Maybe I should pick you up on my way to the next meeting of Jellies Anonymous.)

      Delete
  4. your "otherwise elegant" mother always had the potential to be a crazed gamer ... I think the first time I saw a video game (Pong) your mother was playing it.

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  5. I do not play any of these game things I cant sit still that long lol Each to his own I say ! Have a good day !

    ReplyDelete
  6. No Jellies for me! I try to steer clear of Facebook except to spy on my kids, oops, I mean keep in touch with my kids. I'm addicted to solitaire on my phone. Maybe I should use the phone to call my kids.

    karen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, but, solitaire on the phone doesn't give you grief or ask for money...

      Delete
    2. Lol, you're right, Cathy ! My kids are way older than yours, and I gotta tell you, it doesn't get better!

      karen

      Delete
  7. Reaading this post I was like, Jellies, the odd 80s sandals? Does she mean gummy bears? What...oh, a FB game. Duh, of course I have no idea because I stay far, far away from games.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And that's why you're a successful writer and I'm not!!!! (I remember those jelly shoes! They were SO comfortable!)

      Delete
  8. Oh, man. I run from those games like the devil. I know myself and I would become completely addicted! I'm so tempted though. It's a good think I rarely get on Facebook.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stay away from the FB, SP... (that's a lot of initials right there, btw)

      Delete
  9. Now that I've gotten over farmville, I avoid FB games. Like the plague. It took writing to get me away from FV.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like the way that worked for you, Andrew... in my case it took FB to get me away from writing.. sigh...

      Delete
  10. I can always tell when Daughter Dearest is playing a facebook game: the fans on her 5yo laptop start screaming.

    One more reason I'm glad I've avoided Facebook to date... I know I need to set up an author page, but I'd rather edit. And I have two books to edit....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Laughing out loud here, Larry... the first or second time I was playing jellies I was, like, "WHAT is that SOUND?" and it was my laptop getting ready for take-off. That's probably not good, right?

      Happy editing!

      Delete
  11. Ha! I do Scrabble on FB; anything words I like...the Farmville addiction thingy got ridiculous never ending, and boring once I had topped everyone since I apparently had more time then everyone else for the addiction. Over with looooonnnng ago and no more (but I am certain it was fun at the time). Jellies you say...ha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I've been away from Jellies for one whole day now. Other than a severe twitch in my left eye, I'm fine.

      Delete
  12. Thank you for warning me. I will stay far away from the jellies.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I got sucked into Petville and Cafe' Town. It almost took an intervention to ween me off of that evil FB!

    You can kick the habit, but it'll take time :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's awful, Mark, it really is! Glad you know my pain and thanks for the encouraging words... it's been one whole day for me without the jellies and so far so good... except for my shaking hands, twitchy eyes and swollen tongue, I'm fine!

      Delete
  14. Oh dear! Just so you know, I will never, ever help you with your jellies addiction. STAY AWAY FROM IT!

    ReplyDelete
  15. One day at a time. "Lord, give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to stay off my computer." I'm pretty sure that's how the serenity prayer goes...

    ReplyDelete
  16. I used to be like that with A LOT of the early Facebook games. Hatchlings especially. At my highest I was actively playing 30 games every day. The desire to constantly level up was a huge addiction and I'd actually plan out my day dependent upon when each game reset. I was first in my network and that in and of itself was a rush. lol

    ReplyDelete
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