Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Shopper's senior's discount


That's it. It's official. I'm old as dirt.

The other day I was into Shopper's Drug Mart in Bracebridge, laying down one-tenth of my weekly pay cheque on feminine hygiene products and soap. What a total waste of money, I tell ya. Think how rich I'd be if I was a man who didn't bathe.

Not that I know any men like that ....

My first indication that I was Old came when I was floundering around with the debit machine. Not that I want to offend anyone but, come on. Everyone knows old people have trouble with debit machines. Young people, why they just zip their card through with the confidence borne from being hatched with their fingers on the text button. Makes for some painful childbirth, I gotta tell you. Those little cell phone buttons and antennaes hurt on the way out. Thank god for touch-screens.

Old people, well, how do I say this... they just SUCK at debit machines, drive-through banking windows and even ATMs. Have you ever been behind an old person in line to pay for something? They always swipe their card the wrong way, for starters. Then they forget their pin number. Then they punch in the wrong pin number and they often hit chequing instead of savings and vice versa so they have to run through the whole process about 50 times until they get it right.

So there I was, fecking up the debit machine at Shopper's. I have a new chip debit card and I'm never sure what end is the right end. One end has a square chippy looking thing but the other end has markings that look sort of like arrows. Why can't it just have a sentence that says INSERT HERE? Honestly. So there I was floundering around with the wrong end of the card. The lady reset it and I tried the other end, but I didn't push it in far enough so she had to reset it again. This time I tried swiping it but I swiped it backwards. Finally I got the feckitty-fecking card in right but I was so embarrassed that I momentarily forgot my pin number. I stared at the woman with my mouth gawping open and drool threatening to come out while my mind completely erased. It was like the black screen of death on my computer. It took a few inexorably long, painful, horrible moments before my brain rebooted and I remembered the pin number.

But of course I hadn't remembered it exactly. The machine screen screamed at me, in all-caps: INCORRECT PIN NUMBER. TRANSACTION CANCELLED. PLEASE TRY AGAIN. Feck, feck, feck.

The lady behind the counter was not amused, so I tried my level best to amuse her. That's what I do. Always try to amuse those who cannot and will not be amused. If I can garner a smile out of one of these pickle-up-their-butt sourpusses, I feel I have served my greater purpose in the universe.

"That's what happens when you get to my age," I said to her, shooting her a dazzling smile and hoping I had no dinner remnants wedged between my teeth. "You forget how to use the debit machine." I was hoping she'd say something like, "Oh, you're not old, what are you talking about?" But she was busily ignoring me while she reset our transaction.

Not content with leaving well enough alone I said, "Pretty soon I'll be ready for the senior's discount. How old do you have to be for that anyway?" I was thinking she was going to say 60, or maybe even 55.

"Fifty," she said.

"Fifty," I repeated. "Really."

"Really," she said. "You can insert your card again. This way." She showed me which end to insert.

"So I'm old enough to get a senior's discount," I said. Shocked. I hoped she'd say, "Naaaa, you don't look old enough for a senior's discount."

"Yep," she said.

I asked her what, exactly the senior's discount was. "Twenty per cent off all purchases on Thursdays."

TWENTY PER CENT OFF. I didn't know what to think. I was excited and depressed all at the same time. My mind was racing between, YOU'RE A SENIOR and YOU'RE GONNA GET STUFF CHEAPER and SHIT - I GET PAID ON FRIDAYS AND THUS HAVE NO MONEY ON THURSDAYS.

Yesterday was my supervisor's 50th birthday. We threw a pot luck party for him. He got a nice bottle of Chivas as a present but the biggest excitement came when I announced he now qualified for the senior's discount at Shopper's. He was so excited he texted his slightly younger wife to tell her the big news.

Then it dawned on him – he would now be the one to pay for his wife's soap and feminine hygiene products every Thursday for several years to come.

32 comments:

  1. Hilarious! Although I guess I will be qualifying for that discount really, really soon. Damn.

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    1. I know.. it's cool that we're saving money but we're old. Saving money. Old. Hmmmm....

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  2. What a hoot...I've had that discount for years now and never shop at Shoppers. HEY....I'm old and I have NO trouble with debit readers...oh wait...you probably meant like REALLY old people like 100 or so right?

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    1. Oh yah, totally 100 year olds. But it gets better... the 110 year olds rock the debit machine.

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  3. #1 - I didn't know they had Senior's Discount at 50! Crapadoodle - I've been overpaying for years! However, I was in line with my Mom once a few weeks ago and suggested she pay for my stuff too so I'd get the discount and the lady just grinned.

    #2 - It's not your age - you just don't have the same practise as younger people because you understand how cash works. They might know how to work gadgets but they can't make change without a machine to tell them how much.

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    1. #1 YES! Go get thee a discount!!!!!! (I wonder if you can ask for back-discount?)
      #2 True! And they can't spell, either. And they can't carry on a conversation without texting it. And other stuff I'm trying to justify my debit confusedness with...

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  4. Hilarious (but then that's nothing new over here)! Here's my favorite line, though it needs your context to be FULLY appreciated: "He was so excited he texted his slightly younger wife to tell her the big news." I get robo-calls from time to time from our state senator (whom I loathe) inviting me to special meetings for seniors. One day I'm going to call, I swear, and tell them to bug off, I'll let them know when I'm a senior. The day will never come . . . well, except if there's a good discount to be had . . .

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    1. Maybe they have free doughnuts at those meetings....

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  5. Since my husband's a couple of years younger than me he doesn't have the same problem as your boss...although, he's old enough to qualify in his own right.
    I won't use my bankcard as a debit card anyway - I make them put it in as a credit card...no pin to remember that way. ;)

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    1. Yah, all you have to remember is to pay the bill!!!
      Hey, HAPPY LAUNCH PARTY, Laura! Everyone, it's a very special day for Laura as she launches Wraith, Book Two of the Carriena Chronicles. She usually has an awesome party on Facebook. Find her and join the fun or visit her blog: http://lauraeno.com/2012/06/27/wraith-freebie-spacedock-19/

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  6. Okay, this was too funny. And, although I'm not a "senior" yet, I do remember the first time I filled out a survey and realized I had moved from this category - "25-35 years old" to this one - "36 years old and up." When exactly did I become "and up" I wonder? :)

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    1. I hear ya, Madeline. It happens overnight, I think. When we're sleeping. Or in a coma. Or floundering around with a debit machine...

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  7. This one almost made me laugh--I looked at the receipt and had been given a discount. I asked the clerk how I qualified. "You look old." I said Thank You and go out before I lost it laughing.

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    1. "You look OLD" ??????????? I woulda slugged him.

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  8. If you take advantage of senior day at shoppers you will notice that they tend to put everything on sale so they can exclude any real savings. You don't recieve a discount on anything that is all ready on sale. Oh and the lines are a lot longer on seniors days.

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    1. So Kristy you're saying the discount isn't all that great and the lines are long AND I'm old???? Where's the silver lining, Kristy???? Help me here!

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  9. Right after my boyfriend turned 50 in March, he got his AARP card in the mail. And so it begins.....

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    1. What's an AARP card anyway? Sounds like something Annie's pet dog Sandy might say. (Off to google)

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  10. This really made me laugh, especially that last line.

    The best line I've heard [and I don't remember where, but I think it was Reader's Digest -- if that matters] about a clerk trying to help a customer figure out how to swipe their card: "Strip down, face toward me."

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  11. Dirt's cheap. Enjoy the low prices and the wisdom you've accrued. Youth is a disability of the mind.

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  12. My Mommeh got an AARP in the card right around her 50th birthday and she immediately threw it in the trash!

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  13. I have to wait a few more years yet but I do love your post!

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  14. My fecking belly hurts! You are sooooo good.

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  15. My feck, feck, fecking belly hurts! I'm laughing so hard, I might needs depends. I know I can depend on you sharing your SENIORS discount :)

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  16. Sorry, but I don't buy that 50 bit. You're way too young to be 50. Bears can tell about these things.

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  17. Sorry it comes to us all in the end - that Senior's card ^__^ yes yes I know I'm heaps older than you are, and neither of us l@@k it do we ? ✰ •* ˚ ♥ 。* ˛。✰˚* ˚ ★ღ

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  18. yur bur, the 20x the optimum points days are always on Saturdays.

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  19. I made my first solo parachute jump at seventy - Seventy is the new...seventy...crap you can't change your age but you can ignore it.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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  20. 50?!!! Does this mean we can also retire at 50? I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with those damn card machines. ;)

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  21. A little girl came through my till at work the other day. She was looking at a picture of Queen Elisabeth on the cover of a magazine. She'd look at the picture and then look at me and look back at the picture. Finally she pointed at the Queen and asked me, Is this you? OMG! The Queen is the age of my mother. I thought it was so funny, though. I told the mom that I couldn't wait to get home and tell Prince Phillip all about it.

    Now, where did I put my tiara?

    karen

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  22. AARP = American Association of Retired People. Or something like that. You get to join at the age of 50.

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