Friday, September 7, 2012

Bizarre questions for Tim VanSant: #3

I just read Tim VanSant's Friday Flash (it was lovely, by the way) and it occurred to me that I hadn't yet posted his answer to my third question. So I searched through my e-mails and found his answer – in a message dated last JUNE.

How embarrassing.

He probably thinks I didn't like it, or abandoned him, or something but in complete fact I just forgot – for no other reason than I forget everything these days. Please bring licorice allsorts when you visit me in the home. Oh, and those butterscotch candies. And some Twizzlers. If it's not too much trouble. Wiping the drool spigot off my lip would be nice as well, and I could use a fresh diaper to crap in. Thanks.

Tim VanSant is one of my Friday Flash writing compadres and for some reason his dry wit interests the heck outta me. So for no other reason than I find him compelling I asked him a few dumb questions.  For some equally inane reason he decided to answer.

And then I forgot about it. (Ooooh, is that a castle?)

What the hell do you do all day anyway? 

You have no idea how badly I wanted to give you a one-word answer to this question:

Breathe

Because that's the only thing I can think of that I do "all day" and because taking things to literal extremes is apparently a genetic trait that usually passes for humor in my family. But I suspect you wouldn't let me get away with a one-word answer.

I knew a woman who always answered the question, "What do you do?" with this:

"When?"

I think that's brilliant. It puts a unique spin on otherwise banal cocktail party small talk. I suck at small talk. But you had to go and ask what I do all day. So I can't steal that answer. Damn. I love stealing good material.

I tried writing my answer poetically since I am a self-described rogue poet. I came up with gems such as:

Really, I'm not keeping track
Maybe I should make a list
Enquiring minds want to know
Important details aren't missed

Note to self, poetry is NOT the answer to everything....

So, how can I answer this and balance honesty, privacy, and humor? Okay, obviously honesty is expendible. It's not likely that anyone is going to check up on me. You're not going to check up on me, right? So I could tell you pretty much ANTHING and you'd have to take me at my word. But I promise [cough] to mostly tell the truth.

For nearly all of my adult life I would tell people that what I do is contribute to the delinquency of minors. Or mess with kids' heads. Or practice being a bad example. [Or practice being invisible.] Or put groups of people to sleep with just a few words. That's right. I was a teacher. Mostly in public high schools and mostly in techie subjects like Drafting and Electronics. But I don't do that any more. So now I'm looking for my next career. 

In the meantime, I write a little. And edit a bit. [Will work for food... or cash. Reasonable rates. Inquire within.] I often help family members with computer stuff. [My oldest sister just convinced our parents -- who are in their 80s -- to get broadband instead of dial-up. Yay, sis!] I help maintain the FridayFlash.org website and play around on my own site. And there's all the double-naught super secret spy stuff. [You know the drill; I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.] And there's the nunnaya. [Nunnaya bizness ;-)] Oh, also I've been weaving a meditation rug from yarn made out of lint I collected while contemplating my navel. So there's that....

Really, my life right now is pretty boring. I've heard it said though that boredom can be irresistible sometimes. Or maybe it's cookies that are iresistible. And pie. And cake. Ooooh, and cheesecake! Now I'm hungry. What was the question?

Oh yeah. Are you bored yet?


~Tim

49 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I do it to my own children every chance I get. *cue evil laugh*

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    2. Thanks, Alex. Messing with kids' heads was the awesomest part of teaching. ~Tim

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  2. I can dig boredom. I can also dig messing with kids' heads. Great reply. Peace...

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    Replies
    1. I can dig... but it seems like a lot of work.
      ;)

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    2. Thanks, Linda. I'm glad you enjoyed it. And look at Cathy being all literal about digging. Sounds just like my family. ~Tim

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  3. Ref: Breathe

    That really is a valid one-word answer.

    Really. If the whole breathing thing didn't happen all day, then there'd be a point where the day, oh, and the rest of life, would just stop on a breath forgotten.

    So yeah, breathe. I can dig that.

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    Replies
    1. Oh gosh. More digging. You and Linda are sure busy today, Angela!!

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    2. Thanks, Angela. One might even say that a day without breath is like... death. ~Tim

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  4. Replies
    1. It's always cheesecake. (Did you know my kids will not eat cheesecake? Which is awesome, because I don't have to share it with them.)

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    2. Thanks, Johanna. Yes, cheesecake. Definitely! And I'm sure Cathy will share with us, right? ~Tim

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  5. I'm going to use "When?" every chance I get from now on--that's BRILLIANT!

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    Replies
    1. It is, isn't it? That's partly why I just love that Tim-guy.

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    2. Thanks, Lisa. To be fair, I really did get that from a friend. First time I heard it we were at a social gathering and amid the small talk I heard some guy ask her, "What do you do?" And she came right back with, "When?" It was perfect. ~Tim

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  6. Yeah, I thought maybe you didn't like it. Or you abandoned me. Issues? I got volumes. [smirk] Actually I just assumed you wanted to spread the posts out a little more. Or save this one for a slow news day. Or got distracted by something shiny. I get distracted by shiny things all the time.

    Besides, you had more important things to write about. Like toilet paper. ;-)

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    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, toilet paper. I can imagine how someone with "issues" might be a tad disgruntled to see him replaced by toilet paper. OMG, Tim, I am so sorry! I was almost too embarrassed to run it ... but it does take a lot to embarrass me so up it went.
      Thanks for being a sport.

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    2. Ah, I just couldn't resist the chance to tease you a bit. Really no need to apologize. I'm totally gruntled... or whatever the opposite of disgruntled is.

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  7. Guy's been waiting on baited from since June! Sheesh, but good of you to dig it out. And now I'm hungry, too...

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    Replies
    1. Well you can just forget about cheesecake...

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    2. Thanks, John. Would you care for a butterscotch candy or a Twizzler? I'll be taking them to Cathy at the home, but I'm sure she won't notice if the package is a little light. ~Tim

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    3. Make sure you do a good job on wiping my arse. The last time you missed a spot...

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    4. I don't mind bringing you stuff, but wiping - whether it's your arse or the drool spigot off your lip - is Dave's job. ~Tim

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  8. Boredom would be all right at the moment...there is nothing more wonderful than an ordinary day. I think I'll take a few minutes and just breathe.

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    Replies
    1. In your case, Delores, that's the very best thing you could do! Glad to hear your husband is doing better. Yay!!!!

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    2. Thanks, Delores. If boredom is what you need, I hope you get it. I recommend the breathing part in any case. ~Tim

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  9. I wonder - does TVS have a hankering to try stand-up comedy? I'd pay good money to see him - he has me in hysterics! ;-p

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Sue. I shy away from the spotlight. I'm really flattered though. Maybe you'd consider paying for written comedy? ~Tim

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  10. I wonder - does TVS have a hankering to try stand-up comedy? I'd pay good money to see him - he has me in hysterics! ;-p

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    Replies
    1. And he's so funny it's no wonder you said it twice! ;)

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    2. Yeah, still not likely to get me on stage anywhere. But the Dick Van Dyke Show was a totally realistic portrayal of the lives of comedy writers, right? I wonder if there's an opening like that for me.... ~Tim

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  11. A guy who takes a simple question and turns it into an epic answer--now there's someone I can identify with.


    Lee
    A Faraway View

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Arlee. Simple questions are the hardest to answer simply. ~Tim

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  12. Contributes to the delinquency of minors? May be a good thing, depending on the delinquency involved. He's certainly mature enough to do delinquency with flair and panache.

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    1. I think it would have been fun to be in his class.

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    2. Thanks, Rob-bear. Oh yes, flair and panache. Not to mention style and grace. And homework. ~Tim

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  13. What a fascinating reply to your question. I may steal bits of it myself.

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    1. Thanks, Elephant's Child. Feel free to steal whatever bits you like. I bet they're the same bits that I stole. ~Tim

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  14. Dear Tim I'm not bored but I am laughing ^__^

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  15. Thanks, Helen. I love to make people laugh.

    I'm going to reveal a secret here. When Cathy asked to write about me she said, "So... one question at a time. I'm thinking I might even blog your answers one at a time. Until I get bored with it!!!!" which I thought was a unique way to keep it open-ended. And motivation for me to be entertaining. And I put "bored yet?" at the end each time I answered a question.

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    Replies
    1. Just wait till I finish my behind-the-scenes tell-all book about the experience. Oh, the drama....

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  16. Sorry, did someone mention cheesecake?

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  17. Yes, William, and Cathy isn't sharing any. [Bad hostess!] I guess we're on our own -- and we won't share with her. [That'll sure teach her a lesson!]

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