Friday, October 19, 2012

Big buttons, little buttonholes


I bought a new pair of jeans, with three chunky fake diamond buttons on the fly.

The buttons were big. The buttonholes were not. When I undid them for the first time, in the dressing room, I had to sweat with the effort of it all. They were relatively easy to do up but ridiculously hard to undo. 

A wise person would have said, "this might not work out so well if you're in a hurry to pee," and put the jeans back on the shelf. I thought, "well, they're just stiff. The buttonholes will stretch. They'll be fine."

The other day I wore them to work. After a couple cups of coffee I needed to use the bathroom, but procrastinated for a while because I was in the middle of a project. When I finally took the opportunity to use the loo, I had to go so bad that I was walking bow-legged.

I stumbled down the hall to the bathroom, found an empty stall, closed the door and, with some relief, started undoing my new jeans.

Oh crap, I thought, as my fingers began wrestling with the stupidly oversized buttons. I could not get that first button to move. It was stuck. Like Winnie the Pooh in the rabbit hole stuck. I pulled and I wrenched and I sweated and I swore but could not undo the top button.

Fine, I thought, I won't go to the stupid bathroom, but my fulsome bladder was saying, "uh-uh, you can't give up. This isn't a game, sister, or some diet you abandon. This is a bonafide emergency and I gotta GO."

Feck, feck, feck, I thought, as I fought with the stupid buttons on my stupid fly. Sweat was pouring off me by now, making my fingers slippery. I wiped them off on the dark denim of my jeans, the ones I was supposed to wash before I wore because of the heavy overload of black dye, but didn't, because why bother, and my fingers came away with a ghastly dark blue hue, like a corpse. A sweaty corpse. A sweaty corpse who had to pee like a racehorse. 

I couldn't believe the ridiculousness of my situation. In a frenzy of ineptitude I poured renewed frenzy into the undoing of the buttons, corpse fingers grappling, tongue gripped between my cursing-like-a-sailor lips, bladder screaming "OPEN THESE GD PANTS NOW OR THEY'RE GONNA BE YELLOW," and I thought, for one horrific moment, that I was going to have to call the fire department. Have them burst into the bathroom stall and say, "Just relax ma'am, it's going to be fine," and then cut them off me with the jaws of life.

In that instant the button, finally, undid. I plopped down on the toilet and peed, oh blessed relief. When I was done I pulled up my jeans and hesitated before doing them up. Should I? Shouldn't I? If I didn't do them up, they'd fall down. If I did, I risked going through the same rigamarole in an hour or so because, once the seal is broken you pee all day.

I debated for a few moments longer, finally deciding to do them up because what they needed was stretching, and if I didn't stretch those buttonholes, the jeans would never be wearable.

I did them up. And went back to my desk.

An hour later, my bladder started making itself known. 

"Shut up and go back to sleep," I said.

An hour and a half later, I was starting to feel uncomfortable. All I could think about was the bathroom stall, the sweaty blue fingers, those ginormous buttons.

The clock ticked. 

My fear grew.

The buttons waited.

23 comments:

  1. Get yourself some velcro strips...one over the button holes and one under the flap with the buttons...all the joy of flashy buttons and none of the struggle.

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  2. Now that is a proper horror tale...way to get in the spirit of Halloween. *giggle* I think I would of had to take some scissors to those holes!

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  3. Maybe you need to invest in some Depends?

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  4. Buttons on jeans, not a good combo. The zipper wins!

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  5. Ah, I have a pair of button-fly jeans too. I only kept wearing them because they're so fracking comfortable, and over time the buttonholes *have* stretched to where I can deploy quickly if needed.

    This wasn't a #FridayFlash, I know, but several of the other ones I've read so far this morning have been similarly funny. A little humor is always good!

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  6. LOL!! I was once zipped into a jumpsuit (don't ask) with a similarly uncooperative zipper.

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  7. I have to admit, I would not have done that button back up. Absolute paranoia would have settled into my bones - and bladder - and I would have sought the first small rubberband I could lol!!

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  8. I have absolutely been there, done that. Ripped the sob's off in my room and considered the goodwill bag. But I'm an old lady who's been around,too, so I looked at the BUTTONHOLE. The effing thing was not cut open the last quarter of an inch. I know those tiny ladies in tiny sweatshops do that on purpose--leave the botton hole partially closed dearie; trap some lady in the bathroom. HaHaHaHaHa. Now I look at the buttonhole before I even cut the tags off. I have my methods, too.

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  9. That's hilarious, Cathy. Probably because we've all been in that kind of urgent situation - without the blue fingers - ourselves. I wouldn't have done all the buttons up...just one so the jeans didn't fall down. Then the velcro sounds like a great idea. Because after you wash denim it gets all tight again. Designed by men for sure!

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  10. I hate when the jeans turn you into a mutant lizard!

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  11. I really really really needed that laugh today...thank you my dear Cathy, you are MOST wonderful ! What is even worse is when too much javex had been applied to a wash with a pair of summer capris which just happen to start disintegrating when you are at work. Fun Wow !!!

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  12. Oh how I love the predicaments you get into, Cathy! We've all been there, but you have the courage to write about it....
    Congratulations on being a nominee for the YWCA Women of Distinction Award. Dave and the boys must be so proud of you!

    karen

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  13. BWAAA HAAA HAAA HAAA that was hilarious!!!! OMG!!! You paid a pretty heavy price for some blingy jeans eh? I think you should make the button holes bigger!!! Thank you for a badly needed laugh!

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    Replies
    1. Oh my! That could have been disastrous!

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  14. Oh dear. I read this post, I chuckled and then I had to make a run for it. Fortunately no blingy buttons here. Pride intact I can return and comment. And so I do.

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  15. Har! Thanks for the laugh over that first coffee of the day (I snorted some down the front of myself...brown, not yellow). The firefighter rescue conjured up quite an image.

    Killer line: "...once the seal is broken you pee all day."

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  16. Ah, hahahahaha! I think it was worth it to have pretty diamonds on your pants.

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  17. Sorry to hear of your misadventures. But, well, you bought them.

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    Replies
    1. I have to "sit" now, cos my 50 year old aim isnt as good as it was....
      loved the laugh x

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  18. Never underestimate the inconvenience the small things can cause. Hopefully those buttonholes are all stretched out by now.

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  19. Now that's what you get for not listening to the wise voice in your head that said, "put that back on the shelf..."

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