Monday, October 22, 2012

My apologies for being ugly

I feel sorry for all the people who know me, who have to look at me day in and day out. I especially feel sorry for my husband, who's actually married to me. I can't imagine looking at someone as freakishly ugly as me all the time.

I'm actually feeling sorry for myself at this moment. A friend posted photos of me on Facebook and, like all photos I see of my true physical self (as opposed to the one I hand-select for the world to see - photos without triple chins and freakishly ballooned arms and legs, bloated with blue veins, pulsed hanging handfuls of lard barely contained by overstretched and shiny skin), I feel sick when I see them. Utterly sick and utterly depressed.

I am what I am. I made myself this way. I'm not blaming anyone and I'm certainly not looking for either sympathy or inspiration to change myself. I'm merely using this blog the way I intended and that's as a journal of what's going on in my head. Back when nobody knew my blog existed I wrote from the heart. It was rather cathartic. Now it's always in the back of my head that maybe somebody might read it and thus I don't want to offend anyone or make them think ill of me.

Anyway, back to the self-flagellation for a moment. I'm the fat ugly friend. Everyone has one. They're great morale boosters, these ugly people. You look like movie star when you're next to a ginormous freak like myself.

I'm the Melissa McCarthy of Bridesmaids. The chubby one.  That's OK for you, you fit person, you of the attractive face and slender body. You don't mind hanging around the chubby one. But having come to the realization (a long time ago) that I'm the chub in the crowd, well, that's just not cool.

People are nice to me. I have friends. They don't seem to mind that I'm the freak of the crowd. At least they never say that. But they must be thinking it. I'm part of their view, after all. Or I'm blocking their view.

Anyway, my apologies to everyone, especially my handsome husband. Poor guy. He could have any woman, and he's stuck with me.

59 comments:

  1. Oh my gawd Cathy- I found this post to be funny, sad and completely something I would have written.

    I was just in the car with my husband, who's high school reunion is in a few days. I don't want to go with him. He asked why. I said because I'm too fat and ugly and even my "fat" jeans don't fit my ass anymore. He said he still loves the heck out of that fat ass. But I sure as hell don't. I think all women feel the way you do today, at some point in their lives. *Hugs*

    By the way, Melissa McCarthy is my favorite character from Bridesmaids. SHE made that movie. Would not have even been popular, without her.

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    1. She was my favourite character, too.

      Thanks for your note, Jaybird. Appreciate it.

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  2. You know, I'm sure he doesn't feel that way. He didn't -have- to pick you, so there must be some reason for it. It's not like he drew your name out of a hat and couldn't trade it off with someone else.
    Just sayin'.

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    1. He doesn't. I'm positive he doesn't. I don't know why he loves me (he tells me but still I wonder) but I am convinced he does and i guess that's all that matters.

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  3. Sorry you are feeling all down and dirty on yourself there girl.....you know, when the rest of us look at you we just see your natural inner beauty reflected on the outside. You need a new mirror.

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    1. Ha! True about the new mirror thing, Delores. Thanks.

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  4. Maybe you're stuck with him? Think of it that way!
    The real beauty of people is who they are.

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    1. Oh no, he's definitely stuck with me. He's a real sweetie, a keeper in every way and I am lucky to have him.

      I know real beauty is found within. Nobody believes that more than me and I usually live my life with that in mind. Occasionally, though, a photo will plunge me into depression - which is why I usually avoid cameras like the plague.

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  5. I know exactly how you feel, all of it. Years ago I wasn't this fat but I've never been the pretty one, never. And it's not easy to be the FUF in this world of nubile-anorexic worship. I can't seem to stay consistently, thoroughly disgusted with my body for the year or two it would take to knock the weight off. And the self-pity and aloneness comes in waves that undermine and that send me back into the kitchen. What the hell to do, Cathy?

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    1. I had to go to the Urban Dictionary to find out what a FUF was:
      "F=fat
      U=ugly
      F=friend
      One usually has a FUF to make them feel better about themselves.
      Ashley has many FUFs because she is so ugly.
      Damn kid, is that yo mamma or yo FUF???"

      I had to laugh when I saw the definition!!!!

      Seriously, Austan, I don't know what the hell to do either and I couldn't agree more with what you wrote. It's the disgust with ourselves that drives us to diet and then, when we lose weight and start to feel better about ourselves, the disgust leaves and the desire for food returns. And the more weight you gain, the more you want to eat. It's the comfort we seek when all else is abandoning us.

      I know what I have to do... technically, I do: start dieting, start exercising. Easy peasy, right? Not easy when you feel like a big ball of shit loser. I'm always asking myself what the freaking point is when it's all gonna come back and glom on to your ass anyway. Argh.....

      Let me know if you figure this out, okay?

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    2. When I do, we'll write the bestseller and it won't matter how fat we are because we'll be rich.

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  6. Oh, honey, don't kick yourself for being chubby! I'm a lardo, myself, but I'm okay with it. I eat a healthy diet, I exercise, and I still gain weight. I'm healthy and reasonably fit, so I'm not going to let a little fat (okay, a whacking great truckload of fat) bother me!

    And, by the way, no way are you ugly! Ugly is mean, and that is SO not you!

    HUGS,
    Marian Allen
    Fantasies, mysteries, comedies, recipes

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    1. Thanks Marian. Your words are kind and adorable and absolutely true. Usually I don't worry too much about how I look but sometimes – just sometimes – it gets to me.
      Hugs right back atcha!

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  7. ENOUGH OF THIS, ALREADY!! SHEESH!

    "Ugly is mean," as Marian has already mentioned. You are the soul of wit and charity. And good writing.

    And while you may be "well proportioned," so are many of us. Think of a Bear, f'rinstance — now that is fat. But is fat for a reason. (Have you tried hibernating? It's a great way to pass winter!)

    Besides, if you got any smaller, you might lose your title as a "Woman of Substance." Our world needs substantial people! Especially good writers.

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    1. I have to write what I'm feeling, Rob, otherwise there's no point. So sometimes all the goo that accumulates in my head has to be vented. It was amazing - 20 minutes after I posted this I started to feel better.

      I have been wrestling with depression for years and will probably continue to be on some kind of medication for the rest of my life. I find this blog to be one of the best ways of venting the emotions that otherwise would really drag me down.

      Your words are vastly appreciated and I think hibernation is a fabulous way to spend the winter!

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    2. I thoroughly understand the "wrestling with depression for years" bit. I have too. Since my teens.

      Blessings and Bear hugs!

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  8. I refuse to condone this crap with any opinion of my own. "I'yam what I yam"....Popeye

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  9. It's amazing that I read this post just now. This... your words... exactly what I have been feeling since Saturday morning when I saw myself on a video someone else had made. I look like a huge arse tick wearing a cute hat. WTF. I used to be the cute slender girl. And on the inside I still feel her. I never judged anyone by their appearance. Never. And I still don't.... except for me. I judge me. I feel like a huge slug of a tick. Huge. I can't believe my husband wants to have sex with me, or that he wants to take me places. I fear his embarrassment in my appearance. I make jokes about my size... hiding my disgust with my own dark humor. Ugh. I wish I could just find the inner strength to change it. Because I know it can be changed....

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    1. Sherri, you made me laugh out loud yesterday when I first saw your comment: "huge arse tick wearing a cute hat." Sorry, but that's so funny! And I completely empathize and agree with what you're saying.

      I was a "normal" sized teenager as well and I also still carry that self-image in my head. Then, when I see a photo of what I really look like, it's really really REALLY hard to accept. Like someone just knocked the wind outta ya, or smacked you upside the head.

      I cried when I read what you said about your husband "I can't believe my husband wants to have sex with me," and I used your comment as a springboard to a discussion with my own husband last night. He got mad at me, he cried - basically he tried everything he could think of to convince me that he DOES find me attractive and wants to chase me all around all the time.

      Inner strength is the key, you're right. But god knows, sometimes it's impossible to find.

      Thanks so much for your comments.

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  10. Oh, Cathy.....

    I'm so sad to know the photos of our writers' weekend made you feel this way.

    You have NOTHING to apologize for. You are a beautiful friend, writer and human being. And we love you.

    Personally? I feel sorry for the people who _don't_ know you.

    ***hug*** P.

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    1. Awww, thanks Paula. This is my hang-up, not yours, not Dawn's, not the camera or the photos. I should be apologizing for my own reaction. In fact, I do apologize. You guys are all so awesome, you really are and I wish with all my heart that I could be more like you all.

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  11. Never once has the thought "ugly" EVER crossed my mind. I think you are funny, creative and cool! AND pretty.

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  12. Awww Cathy....I know that post was meant to be amusing but it made me cry. Seriously, I am weeping here. You and I are so alike it's incredible. You wrote exactly the same thing that I would on this topic. My 30th reunion was just scheduled and I DO NOT want to go. I don't wanna be in pics or in the background of pics or tagged on FB. I had an utter meltdown when my friend posted the pic of me & Russell...the one I am using as my FB photo in fact. I commented on the FB photo 'just call me fatty fatty two ton patty'. Russell hit the roof. He was so angry at me for putting myself down. He said that he was insulted that I just said such a horrible thing about his fiance'. He made me delete it. He thinks I'm the hottest woman he's ever met.

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    1. You know, actually it wasn't meant to be funny, JoJo. It was a cry straight from my heart.

      I had to smile about what you wrote about Russell.... my Dave texted me yesterday afternoon and told me to "stop saying this shit."

      We have good men. We really do.

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  13. Well, I guess they told you, so stop it. I'll come back tomorrow to see how you are.

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  14. Hello. I am your long lost twin, separated at birth and raised a country apart.

    I just had this conversation with Tony last week. Seems my face has exploded into a hormonal teenage nightmare. So much so that I don't even want to leave the house... I have no idea how he stays married to me, let alone kisses me right now.

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    1. Awww... yes we are long lost twins, each with our own terrible self-loathing and incredible hang-ups. I guess when we love someone we see beyond the bad skin or the rolls of fat - we see the person we love, not what they look like, and I guess that's what our husbands see, too. Lucky us. :)

      I hope your skin clears up, Juli!

      It pisses me off that I still occasionally get pimples at the same time as I'm getting wrinkles and gray hair. Life - and hormones - are just not fair.

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    2. Went to the dermatologist today and decided on a plan that seems like the doctor is actually listening to me. We will see.

      I will say I'm not liking the $108 copay on the medicine though. *sigh*

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  15. First things first 'HUGS' !!! next thing I was just thinking the same thing the other day about why I began my blog? it was to be about me, for me, my outlet ... where does that all begin to change. Good for you for being there for YOU. You are also one of my most favourite people having gotten to know you for who you are, not what you look like, especially since we have never met. Lastly "HUGS" !!!

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    1. Awww, thanks Cindy. HUGS right back at you. Thanks for all your kind words and you're one of my favourites too!

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  16. You gorgeous, silly, humanly-human being, you. Did you see the pictures people took of me during this year's MNM? In half of them, I look like the "Before" picture in a coffee commercial; in the other half, I look like the "After" picture in a surprise pillow fight. Cameras are evil. But...! I heard in a movie once: "We like people for their qualities, but we love them for their flaws." I, therefore, am irresistibly adorable, and therefore, so are you.

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    1. Heheheheheheh - can't help it, I'm laughing at your "before" and "after" descriptions. Cameras ARE evil. Partly because they catch us in off-moments and partly because they mess with our self-image.

      Thanks Pat, you definitely are adorable and, well, I have my moments! ;)

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  17. Tears here. I could have written this. I have written it in my head, many times over.
    However. And it is a big however. The you I have been privileged to know from your blog is a talented, warm, funny caring person. So much better than the 000 sized selfish mannequin. Or so I try and tell myself on those days.
    Caring hugs from someone who believes she reflects you better than a mirror.

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    1. Thank you EC. I appreciate your support and your kind note. And I know all of us grapple with self-image problems, whether it's too fat or too thin or too wrinkly or too whatever. We all need to just believe in who we are instead of what we look like.

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  18. Har! SOunds like you were perusing my holiday photos on Facebook again...

    I seriously hope that you are self-flagellating with a velour whip instead of leather. In the short time I got to hang out with you (and Dave) two years back I knew you that you were a quality person. I really hope that you guys make it back for a visit again and stay at Casa Davidson.

    It sounds like you've got a tremendous group of writer buddies too!

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    1. You know, you are always welcome at Casa Webster!!!! Head west, young man!
      And ya, velour, of course velour...(you've been reading 50 Shades of Grey???)

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    2. Shades of Grey? No...(only my hair)

      I'm a big fan of velour shirts...I still seem to live in the 70's and 80's.

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  19. Yeah, those dimples that light up a room when you smile....gotta hate those! And the way Dave looks at you like a moonstruck teenager when you're out shopping...he's stuck with you all right!
    By the way, both you and Dave are taller and slimmer in person than you appear to be in photos. And you're both just so damn cute together!

    karen

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    1. And you are definitely, by far and away, the cutest darn check-out girl in all of Bracebridge! Thanks Karen. :)

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    2. LOL, thanks Cathy. Well, my husband thinks I am, and that's what really matters the most, isn't it... We've got us a couple of keepers, for sure.

      karen

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  20. Oh my gosh! I've read through the comments and I'm glad so many people beat me to the punch of saying that you're clearly awesome! I'm glad the venting made you feel better, I hope you don't keep feeling this way.

    (Not to get all weirdly religious on you ... but ...) I believe God gave us our bodies, and sure, some people got a cuter one than I did, but cuteness is not the purpose of a body. Mine still does a pretty damn good job. I may not love it as much as I should all the time, but I'm always glad I have it. I hope you're glad for yours, too :)

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    1. I am glad, too. Honest. Sometimes I wish God hadn't been so generous with the fat cells but other than that, I'm good. ;)

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  21. I admire you for your determination - and your ability - to write from your heart. It's so hard to put your thoughts out into the world. Bravo!
    Is there anyone who is never down on themselves? Even those who we think look wonderful sometimes can't spell worth a bean! Or put up a tent in the rain. It's all about priorities. Being loved is a huge priority to me...and you are loved. You.

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  22. Dear Cathy, (with a 'C')...
    We may have been down this road before.
    You are just as amazing as ever!
    J

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    1. Same road, all the time, same road. Runs in a circle, this road does. :(

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  23. Beauty is far more than the physical, and that beauty is reflected in the love others have you. Few people are truly ugly, and happily, you are NOT one.

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  24. While I'm sure it's true your handsome hubby could have his pick of women, It is more accurate to say he CHOSE you. So there's that.

    I think you're a lovely person, inside and out.

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  25. You're just fine the way you are, Cathy! All those airbrushed beauties soon lose their appeal with age - they may think they fight it off, but the old adage of 'the candle that burns brightest only lasts a short while' kicks in! Take a good look at some former beauties and they look dreadful up close.

    Besides, your hubby ADORES you as much for your charisma as for your curves!
    (and when the light's out the imagination takes over, anyway! ;-p)

    Chin(s) up, chuck! ;-)

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  26. Dammit it all to hell Cathy O. Webster!! I have NO IDEA what I'm damning to hell, but it seems appropriate. You've written EXACTLY how I feel this week/month/year. I love you and I love your authenticity. You are a breath of fresh air, my friend. I love that write about how you actually feel, and I also want you to know that you are a a ray of hope, joy and encouragement to everyone you meet (and even those whom you've never met in "real" life, like me).

    You are freakin' amazing. Last month, my husband lost his job and we just weren't telling people here in our little town. I sent YOU an email--a person I haven't ever had a conversation with--and in your response you showed what true beauty, love, kindness and compassion are. You were an answer to a prayer just by being you. You were (and are) a friend. You are kind, hilarious as all get out, and I so admired your authenticity, and the way you share your love with others. You fecking rock. :)

    You are beautiful.
    I love you!

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  27. As one freak to another - what the hell Cath. I'm sorry you are feeling so freakish. You have so much courage. And you have so much hurt. Emotional pain really sucks, it's like there is no where to put it, no place where it rests saying "Here.this spot, this is where I got hurt". Emotional wounds scar us in frequently bizarre and undetectable ways. And we insulate ourselves however we can. When I look at you I see into you and I love and cherish who I see. Your openness, your kind heart and I see you have surrounded yourself with protection, which means you believe you are deserving of protection. Feeling sorry for yourself gets a bad rap and it is a misleading saying, what I read and hear is that you carry a great deal of pain and you have the right to express it and let some go, detox! Let the poisonous stuff out. It leaves room for more love to come in.

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  28. I had no idea. Cathy, you're just like that mean little girl next door who came over and sat down in front of me in the mornings, blocking my view of wahtever the hell I was doing, and lied to me and lied to me and just kept it up. It took me YEARS to appreciate how GOOD she was at that and how much I learned from her. She would prattle on with this sly little smile the whole while, like she knew if she kept it up long enough, I'd cave and give her the damn candy I was hording in my back pocket.

    Which I did.

    She told me over and over how beautiful she was. And ya know, she was ugly as sin.

    (love to ya, my talented friend)

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