Saturday, October 27, 2012

The Auto Suck 500

Scientists were understandably mesmerized when they realized the flux capacitor they were working on had a surprising bonus feature: it sucked fat! (Don't you love my photo illustration? I took several photos and glommed them together, then painted radiation around the vintage vacuum cleaner. My favourite part is the floating doughnuts. Of course....)

Eat that other doughnut. I know you waaaannnt to.

Have two or three doughnuts! Scarf down the whole box! Order another box! Eat 'till you puke!

There are not enough doughnuts on god's green earth to make you fat.

Finally, you can eat everything you've ever wanted and not gain one ounce.

How is this possible, you ask?

Ladies, gather around. I have a little secret. A miracle of modern technology.

It's called The Auto Suck 500 and it can give you the body of your dreams.

All you do is eat your fill and then plug yourself into The Auto Suck 500 and, voila! All your fat gets sucked out!

No exercise! No dieting! No surgery!

Sound too good to be true?

Wait, it gets better!

The Auto Suck 500 comes with an exciting new option - the Auto Suck 500 Inner Suck is a tiny microchip that is injected into your butt. It's just like the chips veterinarians inject into dogs we actually want to keep!

Bonus! If you get lost and your husband wants to find you, he just follows the beeping from your behind!

With the Auto Suck 500 Inner Suck, you don't even have to plug yourself in to get your fat sucked out.

The state-of-the-fart technology in the Inner Suck senses calories from a distance of 500 yards, so, as you're pulling up to the doughnut drive-thru, the Inner Suck automatically starts working, getting its internal guts rolling in preparation for incoming fat and carbs. By the time you're wiping Boston Cream off your blouse, the Inner Suck has already sucked out all your fat!

I know! Incredible!

Even if you can't afford the Inner Suck you can still be skinny the old-fashioned Auto Suck 500 way. But instead of the micro-chip, you have to plug yourself in. Where, you may ask, is it plugged into?

Well, one end can go into any electrical outlet anywhere. It comes with a handy adapter so you can even suck fat in the car. The other end is shoved up ... um ... well, you get the picture.

Admittedly there is a little pain involved plugging into the Auto Suck 500. I guess it's like every other weight loss program in the world.

A big pain in the butt.

27 comments:

  1. I could greatly benefit from this machine.

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    Replies
    1. If we could only invent it for real we'd be RICH! And THIN!

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  2. I think I will pass on the microchip and plug-in model, sticking to the old fashion "try to have will power and common sense" way, as those are NOT in my budget (or would that be bulges?). Ha !

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    1. If it was me it would totally be my bulges!!!!

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  3. Can I book some time on the Auto Suck please? Just wanna take a bit down here and there. It's funny but my honey saw pics of me when I was in college and told me I'd lost too much weight and was too skinny and not near as hot as I am now. Go figure. lol

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    Replies
    1. Thank god for people like your baby. That doesn't mean we don't all want a microchip in our arse for doughnut removal - it's just a way of making room for the next batch! ;0

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  4. No pain no gain.......put me down for the Inner variety. Now, pass the donuts,.

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    Replies
    1. HEHEHEHEHEHEH! Did you want Timmy's or Country Style?

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  5. Why not swallow a tape worm: eat all you want and loose weight. If you want to turn it into a business you could probably import the worms from orphanages in third world countries and sell them on the internet. I would like to say this was my idea, but I actually stole it from Garrison Keillor's book GUY NOIR AND THE STRAIGHT SKINNY.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    Replies
    1. It is rather brilliant. Other than the oogery thought of having a big honking worm in your gut!

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  6. I read something recently about a new fad where people are paying dough to have saline injected into their forheads to form a lump they poke with their finger to have dough-nut faces. Personally I'd rather eat them the "old fashioned" (<mmmmm) way and go with a doughnut circling my waste.

    Donuts is good, Cathy is funny!

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    1. Whaaat? Are ya kidding me? Who would want a bump on their forehead? Of course, who would want those stupid spikes in their ears or rings in their nostrils (oh wait, my kid does... *shakes head*) (Off to google donut bumps) You were kidding, right?

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    2. OH MY GOD, YOU WEREN'T KIDDING. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever seen in my life. They look like real doughnuts! Oh my god. I guess it's nature's way of thinning the herd... wow. Hadn't heard of this before, Harry. Thanks! You're such a wordly guy...

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  7. Just so you know, there may actually soon be a genetic answer to fat. Seriously. Because of squirrels.
    No, I don't know what soon means.

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    Replies
    1. Seriously? First it's Harry up there telling me about doughnut foreheads and now squirrels have the answer to fat???? OK, Andrew, I'm trusting you... off to google squirrels! (Come to think of it, I've never seen a fat squirrel...)

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  8. I think I'd rather put up with the extra pounds - the auto suck sounds painful! Besides - winter's almost here and we all need extra layers of fat to keep warm; that and big squishy jumpers that hide a multitude of sins!
    (see Cathy, that's why I knit so much! ;-p)

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    Replies
    1. "Squishy" jumpers!!! I have no idea what that means but I need one!!!!!

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  9. YEah... I'll just eat it and then spend a half hour on the elliptical, Thanks.

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    1. Don't be stuck on that eliptical with Sandy coming your way. And maybe it would be use to use donuts as life rafts. Stay dry, you!

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  10. Things that suck do not appeal to me at all. Except vacuum cleaners. Maybe.

    Good luck with your sales!

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    Replies
    1. Vampires? Mosquitoes? Lawyers? None of 'em? :)

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  11. Love, love, love your picture. And I could probably do with two auto sucks. Don't want to overwork the miracle machine.

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    1. Me too, John. And EC, it's a miracle machine - the best miracle is that it will never wear out!

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    ReplyDelete

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