Have two or three doughnuts! Scarf down the whole box! Order another box! Eat 'till you puke!
There are not enough doughnuts on god's green earth to make you fat.
Finally, you can eat everything you've ever wanted and not gain one ounce.
How is this possible, you ask?
Ladies, gather around. I have a little secret. A miracle of modern technology.
It's called The Auto Suck 500 and it can give you the body of your dreams.
All you do is eat your fill and then plug yourself into The Auto Suck 500 and, voila! All your fat gets sucked out!
No exercise! No dieting! No surgery!
Sound too good to be true?
Wait, it gets better!
The Auto Suck 500 comes with an exciting new option - the Auto Suck 500 Inner Suck is a tiny microchip that is injected into your butt. It's just like the chips veterinarians inject into dogs we actually want to keep!
Bonus! If you get lost and your husband wants to find you, he just follows the beeping from your behind!
With the Auto Suck 500 Inner Suck, you don't even have to plug yourself in to get your fat sucked out.
The state-of-the-fart technology in the Inner Suck senses calories from a distance of 500 yards, so, as you're pulling up to the doughnut drive-thru, the Inner Suck automatically starts working, getting its internal guts rolling in preparation for incoming fat and carbs. By the time you're wiping Boston Cream off your blouse, the Inner Suck has already sucked out all your fat!
I know! Incredible!
Even if you can't afford the Inner Suck you can still be skinny the old-fashioned Auto Suck 500 way. But instead of the micro-chip, you have to plug yourself in. Where, you may ask, is it plugged into?
Well, one end can go into any electrical outlet anywhere. It comes with a handy adapter so you can even suck fat in the car. The other end is shoved up ... um ... well, you get the picture.
Admittedly there is a little pain involved plugging into the Auto Suck 500. I guess it's like every other weight loss program in the world.
A big pain in the butt.