How to Eat Doughnuts Every Day and Lose Weight

Eat that other doughnut. I know you waaaannnt to. 

Have two or three doughnuts!

Scarf down the whole box! 

Order another box!  

Eat 'till you puke!

There are not enough doughnuts on god's green earth to make you fat.

Finally, you can eat everything you've ever wanted.

And not gain one ounce.

How is this possible, you ask?

Ladies, gather around. I have a little secret. A miracle of modern technology.

It's called The Auto Suck 500 and it can give you the body of your dreams.

All you do is eat your fill and then plug yourself into The Auto Suck 500 and, voila! All your fat gets sucked out!

No exercise! No dieting! No surgery!

Sound too good to be true?

Wait, it gets better!

The Auto Suck 500 comes with an exciting new option - the Auto Suck 500 Inner Suck is a tiny microchip that is injected into your arse. It's just like the chips veterinarians inject into dogs we actually want to keep! 

Bonus! If you get lost and your husband wants to find you, he just follows the beeping from your arse and you're back in his loving arms! (Important note: If you have an abusive spouse you might want to take a few laxatives and poop it out before you escape.)

With the Auto Suck 500 Inner Suck, you don't even have to plug yourself in to get your fat sucked out.

The state-of-the-fart technology in the Inner Suck senses calories from a distance of 500 yards, so, as you're pulling up to the Oliver's or (in my case) Timmy's drive-thru, the Inner Suck automatically starts working, getting its internal guts rolling in preparation for incoming fat and carbs. By the time you're wiping Boston Cream off your blouse, the Inner Suck has already sucked out all your fat! Incredible!

Even if you can't afford the Inner Suck you can still be skinny the old-fashioned Auto Suck 500 way. But instead of the micro-chip, you have to plug yourself in. Where, you may ask, is it plugged into?

Well, one end can go into any electrical outlet anywhere. It comes with a handy adapter so you can even suck fat in the car.

The other end is shoved up ... um ... that place where the sun never shines.

Admittedly there is a little pain involved plugging your butt with the Auto Suck 500.

I guess it's like every other weight loss program in the world.

A big pain in the ass.

P.S. Thanks to the girls at work for giving me this idea. And thanks to Leah for coining the indomitable phrase, "Auto Suck."

P.S.S. Thanks also to Michael Lorenzo of the Phillippines for this delicious doughnut. I grabbed it from stock.xchng, a great place to see great photos from all over the world. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/nazreth

I did have a doughnut of my own to photograph, but I ate it.

Thank goodness for the Auto Suck 500.

P.S.S.S. (I'm starting to sound like a snake) Thanks also also to CJ Hodges-MacFarlane of Duluth, Minnesota for lending me her painting of her own personal weight loss system - a doughnut with a string tied to it. It's SO simple. In her own words: "Eat whole. Pull."

CJ is my new BFF, even though I don't know her from Adam. We're mutual stalkers.  (I'm reminded of the character Rose on Two and A Half Men.) I was just mindlessly hitting "Next Blog" one day and came across an incredible story she had written about a mother who has sank into the abyss of depression. A stunning, absolutely haunting tale – I've re-read it several times. CJ is a wordsmith and an artist who ravages geraniums and is funny as hell. You can check out her blog by clicking "Mostly Other Things" under my links.