Break out the popcorn and the insults, it's time to pony up to the chesterfield for another winter of American Idol.
Don't ask me how I got hooked on this show.
I don't know. I hate reality shows.
I wish Survivor would just die. Or come to Muskoka and try out a winter in a snowstorm or spring in blackflies... see how far the pretty little contestants make out in their thong bikinis in that scenario.
And that dancing with the ex-stars thing? Could there be anything lamer? (OK, you're right. Figure skating is lamer.)
And how about those shows where has-been celebrities share the same house and bitch-slap each other all day?
"Oh you HO!" Slap!
"You cheating HO!" Slap!
All I can figure is there was nothing on TV one January night a couple of years ago and somehow, some way, the remote honed in on Simon.
It's insidious how it grabs you and won't let go.
I actually go into Idol withdrawal when the season is over, getting the shakes, stuttering off-key, repeating Whitney Houston lyrics I didn't even knew I knew (and wish I'd forget), insulting complete strangers and, the worst of all, surreptitiously watching Canadian Idol. And you have to be desperate to watch that. Geez I hate Ben Mulroney. Even more than I hated his father. I know, hate is a strong word. But have you SEEN Canadian Idol?
Thousands of Canadians must have agreed because CTV finally yanked Mini-Brian off the air.
But back to the Simonized Idol.
I have to admit I was a tad disappointed with last night's performance.
Simon was a little milquetoast. Not enough insults for my bloodthirsty taste.
And was it just me or did Posh look remarkably like Kara? She did give Simon a bit of a going-over but it was all just too polite. Only Kara went over the edge on that serial killer dude. I was hoping they would have kept him longer. Might have added a little Spice to the show.
My favourites so far? The reject from the 70s and the girl at the very end. There were a couple others but my perimenopausal goldfish brain has already forgotten them.
I look forward to tonight's young sacrifices, the lambs of the music business about to face Simon, lord of his own domain.
P.S. That's me with the other Idol judges. That make-up sure is slimming, eh?
I was crowned Idol Judge Runner-Up in case Ellen is having a bad hair day.