It's funny that I'm reluctant to blog about what's really going on in my head.
I started this as a diary, a chance to let whatever was going on inside my head - out. Then, as other people started reading it, I started getting nervous. What will they think if I'm down in the dumps ... again?
If ever I needed a diary, though, it's now.
I am so overwhelmingly depressed. I've been sick since Christmas Eve and I'm still really sick. No sign of it letting up. That's the depressing part. I don't remember what it feels like to be healthy and I can't envision a time when I won't be sick anymore. I'm tired of coughing, of gagging, of sore ribs, of running nose, of diarrhea, of being tired. I'm so sick of being tired. Today at work I could hardly keep my eyes open, even though I got 10 hours of sleep last night. The exhaustion is overwhelming.
I don't have the energy to work, but I have to go. I've already missed so much time due to this cold. I can't afford more. And yet I can hardly function when I'm there.
Other people are sick, too. About half the people I work with. They're just as tired of it as me. Our corner has more germs than a walk-in clinic. We cough like we're members of an orchestra.
I try so hard to get along with everyone. When I'm sick, it's harder. I don't feel like myself. Little things implode into big things. I feel like no one takes my side. Ever. All I want is for someone to take my side, to believe in me, to like me. Some people work for money. I work for approval. Pay me crap, I don't care, as long as you like me. Some people don't like me, though. It breaks my heart. I don't know why. Am I really that hard to get along with? Am I?
Every day is the same. Get up. Drag myself to work. Get through the day. Come home. Go to bed. Start over.
I can't remember the last time I did anything fun. Or had people over to visit.
I haven't been to my writer's group for weeks.
I have no energy for my kids or my husband.
Every day drags into the next.
Today I cried at my desk.
I cried in the car.
I cry here, on my bed.
I just want to feel better but I don't know how.
I wish I could curl up into a ball and the world would leave me alone.