It's funny that I'm reluctant to blog about what's really going on in my head.
I started this as a diary, a chance to let whatever was going on inside my head - out. Then, as other people started reading it, I started getting nervous. What will they think if I'm down in the dumps ... again?
If ever I needed a diary, though, it's now.
I am so overwhelmingly depressed. I've been sick since Christmas Eve and I'm still really sick. No sign of it letting up. That's the depressing part. I don't remember what it feels like to be healthy and I can't envision a time when I won't be sick anymore. I'm tired of coughing, of gagging, of sore ribs, of running nose, of diarrhea, of being tired. I'm so sick of being tired. Today at work I could hardly keep my eyes open, even though I got 10 hours of sleep last night. The exhaustion is overwhelming.
I don't have the energy to work, but I have to go. I've already missed so much time due to this cold. I can't afford more. And yet I can hardly function when I'm there.
Other people are sick, too. About half the people I work with. They're just as tired of it as me. Our corner has more germs than a walk-in clinic. We cough like we're members of an orchestra.
I try so hard to get along with everyone. When I'm sick, it's harder. I don't feel like myself. Little things implode into big things. I feel like no one takes my side. Ever. All I want is for someone to take my side, to believe in me, to like me. Some people work for money. I work for approval. Pay me crap, I don't care, as long as you like me. Some people don't like me, though. It breaks my heart. I don't know why. Am I really that hard to get along with? Am I?
Every day is the same. Get up. Drag myself to work. Get through the day. Come home. Go to bed. Start over.
I can't remember the last time I did anything fun. Or had people over to visit.
I haven't been to my writer's group for weeks.
I have no energy for my kids or my husband.
Every day drags into the next.
Today I cried at my desk.
I cried in the car.
I cry here, on my bed.
I just want to feel better but I don't know how.
I wish I could curl up into a ball and the world would leave me alone.
Come on now. If you really wanted the world to leave you alone, you wouldn't be telling the world you are depressed. You can't remember but I know you've had fun. True Grit? The Good Old Hockey game? It hasn't been so long, it's just that it's no damn fun being sick! I do wish you could kick this nasty cold that just keeps hanging on. Since I'm no doctor and only play one (in a fake Burt Reynolds mustache) on the internet, I'll prescribe for your red nose and blue mood, a hearty round of there, theres to be taken with a comprehensive course of genuine pats on the back. Unappreciated at work? I've heard that is going around. Epidemic really, but you are surely appreciated here! Maybe tomorrow instead of dragging yourself out of bed, you should just stay home and see if the rest helps. If nothing else, maybe absence will make the hearts of those you work for grow fonder. :) Get better and cheer up Cathy!
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm sorry!
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing worse than being bogged down by illness. I hate that feeling of not remembering what it's like to feel good. It's the worst. If it makes you feel any better, I've been sick since before Christmas. Mine was all this cough and cold business. The dry cough was the absolute worst. Sometimes it would be so bad, I would vomit. And for many nights I slept on the couch, because I felt so bad keeping my husband awake. The cough has now been gone for almost a week. So, there is a light.
Think about it this way, with every new day, you're a step closer to getting better.
January kicked my ass, too. Here's to February and a healthier you.
Feel better!
You knows we on The Rock likes ya, Cathy! Come out, have some fun. Have you seen the Dr. about your symptoms young lady? Could be something going on there. Focus on the positive things. Start with one thing, move out from there. We're thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteOMG...we are together on this, aren't we? I LIKE YOU, CATHY! No matter what you do. See me waving my hands at you? (I don't have the energy for pom-poms)
ReplyDeleteI can so relate. You'll get better. *gives you a big hug*
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteit's okay to feel like crud, and one way to heal thyself is to let it all out -- on the page, with your cyber-buddies, with your family and friends. i hope you feel better, soon - inside and out. peace and love...
If you really wanted the world you leave you, like Harry said, you wouldn't have posted this. Maybe what you really need are some decent people. Like Laura, I like you and am glad you haven't curled up into a ball of solipsism.
ReplyDeleteI've been sick for sixteen years. I have not had one minute of waking comfort from full body pain in all that time. I've also forgotten what it's like to be well. It sucks. Fortunately, I'm more than that. So are you. You don't need to have that physical energy right now, though we do need to do something about your health. Being sick for an entire month - are you on meds? Have you seen a doctor? I hope that Canadian government hasn't put you on such a severe wait-list. At this duration, you need professional help. If somehow this is a funding issue, let us know. I'll start up a Pledgie drive and stump for you starting tomorrow.
LOL - "Canadian government and severe wait-lists!" OK, I don't know what the media's feeding you guys but there are NO wait lists in Canada! Seriously! I've never had to wait for any kind of medical treatment! In fact, I saw a doctor last week. It's just a virus.. he says.. nothing he can do... But John, THANK YOU for the offer of a Pledgie drive!!! A big hug to you! And I feel very small complaining about being sick when you've got real sickness to contend with. Apologies!
ReplyDeleteIn fact, thanks to everyone. You're right, if I seriously wanted to be left alone, I wouldn't write about it. I guess it's the real world I want away from. You guys - this blog world we inhabit - it's different. But when I'm most down, I always turn to the pen. Its cathartic.
Thanks for your kind comments, everyone. It's nice to know you have friends when you feel like this.
{hug} but just a virtual one for now because I don't want to catch whatever you've got. I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm an ignorant foreigner. I don't know anything and just want to fix things.
ReplyDeleteDon't apologize to me. Things feel big when they're in your face, and sometimes they really are. But a simple virus hanging around for over thirty days? That's a tough little bugger.
Who loves ya, baby? WE DO!!!
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better, tootz... ;)
btw... I crap you not: I was sick from EARLY OCTOBER to early JANUARY. No fooling. I had a bronchial thing that just wouldn't leave. Awful... Keep yer chin up...
ReplyDeleteWe all like you, Cathy! A flu and feeling blue (even if you're feeling so blue that it looks black) is temporary.
ReplyDeleteEven at London the sun comes out, doesn't it?
Feel better! We'll be cheering for you from all over. :) *hugs*
You know what's good for sickness? Good old salt air from the Rock. I'm going to package some up and send it to you. That's how much I like you. We don't usually give it away for free, and I hope the SAP (salt air police) don't catch me, but it's worth the risk. I'll have you breathing easier in no time.
ReplyDeleteHi Cath - It looks to me like you have wonderful friends!!! I know you're not feeling well, but there is always someone worse off than yourself. Why don't you go see Dr. Steve? Then stop in and visit me!!! I hear that little Vicky has to have open heart surgery. Give Mandy a call. Love Mom
ReplyDeleteYou know we love you, honey, sick or not, and I know you'll be better soon! *sending positive thoughts*
ReplyDeleteI, myself, feel so depressed sometimes... sometimes even more often than that. But then I write a blog post, a poem, a flash, or just type it up in an email to a friend and somewhere along the way, I find something funny to think about and life seems at least a bit more bearable.
(I suggest watching this guy's videos, it helped me a lot a few weeks ago: http://www.youtube.com/user/dannybhoyofficial)
Huge loving get well hugs!!!
Hey Cathy
ReplyDeleteDear, dear Cathy, another reason you inspire me so much, your honesty, your stark internal mirror, I haven't written in a longtime because I think about those things too, that people will get tired of hearing me down, well, we need to talk we need to detox, it really is crucial to our well-being , it's an infected wound this depression stuff, it needs the infection to be drawn out; the emotional pus as it were. It's very clear that you inspire many others, and by your example give others courage to speak their truth, and validate the ones whose current only choice is to be silent, you speak for many many of us. I read once where depression is our body's way to protest this world that can hurt us so, our body knows when it needs rest, so sometimes it makes us sick to force the rest upon us. Another thing I've learned is that because i have been depressed for so long, low level or high level, when I go through a period of happy experience (e.g. the recognition of your outstanding writing, wedding , being with Dave, etc) a return to the depression feels so much more intense and desperate, it's like really feeling the weight of it, in a different way. You've been such a rock for me, I wish I could take away the despair you feel, it's horrible, and yes some people suffer more, some in different ways, but your pain is real and deserves attention and love and you have the right to speak your truth. Always.Because this means that somewhere deep inside, your essential self knows that you matter, that you are worthy of love.
I love you and miss you.
XO
Cathy - *we love you!* I would definitely give you a big hug right now if I could! I was sick in the fall with what seemed to be a permanent sinus infection. It really nailed me for around 2 months. Three rounds of antibiotics ... i'd get somewhat better for a few days and then wham- back again. I know what you mean - you feel as though you'll never be well again. I have really started being religious about taking vitamins - multivitamin, mega doses of vitamin c, probiotic, etc. It does seem to be helping to keep me well now. Are you eating well? Are you getting enough sleep? All of those little decisions that we make each day because we're tired and we don't want to deal with it ... pizza for lunch, a few cookies in the afternoon ... those don't help us get over sickness at all. Take it one decision at a time and know that you *will* get better soon. We're rooting for you, Cathy and you can vent with us any time you want ;-)
ReplyDeleteCathy, this may be several days late, and I'm sorry about that, but I do hope that between then and now you've gotten to feel at least a bit better.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you might have Seasonal Affective Disorder - it's a lot more common than we realize. Of course I'm no doctor, but I see enough of them, and have too many different illnesses myself, that it can be "not so difficult" to pinpoint in others. A virus that lasts for that long may be more than a virus too, so please do see the doc again, or another doctor and ask for a referal, (do you all need those up there?) to see a rhematologist, especially if you're aching all over and exhausted when you wake up - there could be something "rhemy" going on. I've had fibromyalgia, as well as depression and other issues (I try not to call them illnesses, just issues I have to fight), for 12 years, so I do know how it feels, and I feel For you.
Whatever is going on, I hope you get to feeling better real soon, and know that we're all here for you, so anytime you feel down, holler at us, and we'll squeeze ya tight. :)
P.S. Have you tried taking some extra vitamin D, and/or B, and have you tried using a sun-light for a few minutes every day? They can be very helpful!
Being sick sucks, and being depressed AND sick sucks more than twice as bad. Here's a recipe for Madam Z's Magic Zoup that should have you feeling better in a couple of days.
ReplyDeleteGet a quart of chicken broth (canned is okay for now), add a bunch of carrots ( a bag of those baby carrots is quick and easy) add an onion, lots of garlic (after you chop it, let it sit for 15 min. before you cook it, for its medicinal aspects to set). Bring to a boil and simmer till the carrots are soft. Season it w/ curry, cumin, thyme, salt and pepper. I like it best if it's pureed in a blender, but if you're too whacked to do that, it's good right out of the pot. If you like it (and how could you not?)double the recipe next time, and keep zupping it until you feel better. Also, in the future, you should always drink lots of water and take mega-doses of Vitamin C, as soon as you first start feeling a cold coming on. Good luck!
Oh Dear there's nothing worst than a stubborn cold in the dead of winter....my recipy for keeping on top of these viruses...is at least 4000 units of vitamin D a day...not just the lousy 6oo they have in a vitamin pill....and a homemade tea that is made with Fresh!!!! sliced ginger root, some honey and lemon....now make it strong because the ginger kills the viruses...and drink at least 6 cups of this stuff...got rid of my cold in 4 days...and it was a nasty one!!!!Oh Yes eat sensibly, cut back on nasty sugars and fats...and sit back and think of the ones who have cancer or MS or Aids...now those are Sick People!!!!Thanks always for your comments on my blog posts....they are appreciated!!!! Please be Well Soon!!!!!
ReplyDelete