I can't find my frickin' favourite coffee creamer.
I've looked everywhere. It's like the Hunt for Red October, except it's not, at all really, with no submarines and it's not October and it's in a blackish bottle with no red. But it's exactly like that otherwise.
It's called International House Coffeehouse Delights Caramel Macchiato Fat Free coffee creamer. Stupid long name. It's so long that I can never remember what it's called when I ask the grocery store people if they have it out back. "Erm, do you have any of that Caramel Fat Free International Something-Something Crap with the Long Name?"
I hate the name on the bottle but I love it's creamy innards so.
It's sweet, but not too sweet, and it's FAT FREE so I can drink TONS of it and don't feel guilty and it has become my obsession because, like every other product I love on this stupid planet, it got me hooked and now I CAN'T FIND IT.
I have been to six grocery stores in the last few days looking for it.
A few stores had it, but the expiry date was Dec. 21 which, in case you're wondering, was LAST YEAR. Kinda out of date, wouldn't you say? Probably a little on the lumpy side, last year's creamer. Speaking of lumpy, I told the lumpy oaf-child stocking bags of milk that the creamers were out of date. He nodded dopily (picture Shrek with expensive running shoes) and said something about pulling them from the shelves and thanked the old hag (me) for pointing it out. I was back there yesterday and last year's creamers were STILL THERE. That oaf-child is precisely why society is going to hell in a hand-cart.
A couple stores don't carry it at all and the ones that do don't seem to notice any difference between the fat-free stuff and the plaster-it-directly-on-your-ass stuff and thus I have to make Dave stand up on the cooler ledge and dig around. He makes a proper mess doing so but it serves Shrekus Dopimus right for not stocking the shelves correctly. I'm sure grocery store managers everywhere must see us coming and go, "Oh no, there's that crazy couple that climbs inside the milk cooler."
Wait till we show up with balaclavas over our faces and my son's pellet gun. I'll go all Bonnie and Clyde over their creamless arses hollering "GET ME MY INTERNATIONAL HOUSE COFFEEHOUSE DELIGHTS CARAMEL MACCHIATO FAT FREE CREAMER AND NO ONE GETS HURT."
The balaclavas are actually a good idea. Dave says it gets pretty cold inside the milk cooler. Yesterday he either said, "Hold my butt so I don't fall out," or "It's so cold my nuts bawl and pout."