Fat clothes

WHAT IF?

I shoved the question to the back of my noodle as I shoved clothes into plastic garbage bags. I tried not to look at the clothes in my hand. It was like trying not to look at the sun during an eclipse.

Those are the most comfortable jeans you've ever owned. Look at that elastic waistband! OMG, you could eat Christmas dinner for main course and Thanksgiving for dessert and those pants would still fit. 

"No!" I said. To myself, not out loud, because I'm not as crazy as I sound. 

I stuffed the jeans in the bag.

The tailored white linen shorts I bought last summer. I think I only wore them twice. They looked so good, so polished. "Maybe I should hang onto them. Maybe I could wear them to work next summer." Maybe if I regained 50 pounds ...

I flung the shorts in the bag.

Lingerie I've never worn but it's oh-so-pretty and maybe some day I'll wear it. What if I need a romantic peach boudoir set? A four-sizes-too-big boudoir set? I mean, you never know when one of those oversized nighty-nights come in handy - like for when the sail on the boat needs replaced.

What if I gained back all that weight in the near future and I wanted to wear those comfy jeans and those tailored shorts? I mean, it's happened before. Lose weight, gain weight  – over the years I have accumulated an entire wardrobe of different-sized clothes, some of it dating back 20 years. 

How comfortable is that, to be able to eat what you want, knowing that, no matter how big your waistline is, there's still something in the dresser for you to wear? Too comfortable for my liking. Besides, my dresser drawers were so full of crap I never wore that I could barely open or close them. 

I was getting frustrated and knew I had to throw stuff out but kept procrastinating… I think having an oversized wardrobe close at hand is like Linus' blanket.

The last straw was watching Hoarders the other night. "Good thing I'm not like that," I said to Dave.

"Oh really?" said Dave. 

"I don't hoard anything!"

"Have you seen your dresser drawers lately?"

(Erm, actually no. They were too full to see anything.)

Today I was home from work with a cold. (Fecking cold and flu season and, yes, I had a flu shot so shaddup already.) Not fit to do anything really constructive, I decided to clean out my underwear drawer. Just for starters. 

The clean-out was exhilarating and before I knew it I had emptied out an enormous pile of crap onto the bed. "I gotta take a picture of THAT," I said to myself. (Again, not out loud.) To give you some perspective on how big the pile is, I made my dog sit beside it. (Sit, I said SIT.)

My dog is a German Shepherd. 

That's some pile of crap, eh? I'd offer to give it to you but, seriously, it will not fit you, no matter how many doughnuts you're stuffing in your gub as you read this. (OK… maybe a few more and you're close.)

I do have some crap I want to give away. Like this laughing cow. As cute as it is, I just don't need a laughing cow. If you want it, tell me in the comments. If I get more than one person wanting it, I'll drop your comments in a hat. I'll drop you an e-mail if you're the big winner, asking for your mailing address.

And no, you're not having my fat clothes. 

I said NO.

Geez….