Monday, June 25, 2012

Born to be wild and have a really flat ass



There have been some "discussions" about Dave's new motorcycle. When he first was talking about buying a used donor-cycle I had an opinion. I know, hard to believe, me having an opinion.

"Get a big one," I said. "Like a Goldwing. Something we can both sit on comfortably." I know he thinks of me as being a slender young tart with a narrow derriere so I had to remind him that I am old and creaky with a rather enormous butt that doesn't sit well on crotch rockets and in other smallish spaces.

He did not listen to me, obviously still believing I have the butt of a small boy, and bought a mid-sized bike. A Kawasaki Vulcan, 750, I think. I mention this in case you know something about bikes and only to help you imagine the seat on which our butts sit.

I was nervous about the bike. Well, maybe nervous isn't strong enough a word. I was actually scared out of my cheesely mind. Every time I climbed aboard all I could think was how violently my melon was going to explode when I hit the pavement. Dave is a good driver though and it wasn't long before I relaxed and started to LOVE going on the bike. That is precisely the moment that Dave decided the bike wasn't big enough to take us on long rides. I was like, what the heck? I TOLD you to get a big bike! Instead of arguing with me further, because he has learned there is no point, we decided to hit the open road on Saturday.

The first half hour was pure bliss. I raised my arms in the air proclaiming I'M KING OF THE WORLD and hugging my baby and clinking helmets and singing "like a true nature child, I was born, born to be wild" on a loop because those are the only words I know.

The second half hour my butt started to go a wee bit numb. Just a wee bit. Dave started squiggling in his own seat and it wasn't long before he pulled over for a break. "How's your bum?" he asked. "A little numb," I replied. Because I am a poet.

A while later it wasn't Steppenwolf I was singing, it was Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb."

We took lots of breaks but the bike ass we were experiencing was cumulative and by the end of the day my butt was as flat as a proverbial pancake. There was no more singing. There was screaming. From my ass. My ass was screaming, "GET ME OFF THIS STUPID BIKE RIGHT NOW," and when it wasn't screaming at me it was asking, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we almost there? How bout now? Are we there yet? Huh? Are we there? Are we there?"

The pain was exquisite. Who knew a butt could hurt so much just from sitting on a motorcycle for a day? Oh, and my knees hurt just as much as my arse. When I finally got off I was walking like a greenhorn who just got off a horse, all bow-legged and saddle sore.

Other than that, it was a good day.

Oh, wait a minute. That's not true. We did have a rather horrifying moment when the bike broke down halfway between Dwight and Huntsville in the middle of fecking nowhere.

Not having a cell phone, because we are the only two people in the universe who don't have one, apparently, Dave said, "We're going to have to push the bike into town." Town was about 15 km away. A rather long jaunt for two out of shape old people walking bow-legged, pushing a broken flat-ass-inducing motorcycle.

Dave being a mechanic and all, he was able to wiggle some wires and check the spark and even though he didn't think he could do it, he fixed the problem and we were on our way again. You know how he checked the spark? He stuck a screwdriver in the cap-thingey where the spark plug goes and then he yelped and said, "yup, lots of spark there." As if that wasn't bad enough, he had to do the same thing with the other plug. I was like, "seriously? You're gonna do that again?" When he was done his ears were smoking and his hair was curly.



Dave's new-to-him toy. This ass-break photo was taken
at a roadside parkette between Algonquin Park and Dwight,
before the breakdown. Thus, he still likes the bike.

Boat launch at Dwight. It was a fine day, a real beauty.

This bear is one of the roadside attractions at The Dwight
Trading Post, a gift shop and snack stand that sells all kinds
of tacky knick-knacks, tremendously comfortable moccasins
and really tasty fudge.

Dave-the-mechanic goes to work fixing the bike. Thank goodness he did.
I just could not imagine walking for 15 km.

38 comments:

  1. Get your motor runnin'
    Head out on the highway
    Lookin' for adventure
    And whatever comes our way
    Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
    Take the world in a love embrace
    Fire all of your guns at once
    And explode into space

    I like smoke and lightning
    Heavy metal thunder
    Racin' with the wind
    And the feelin' that I'm under
    Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
    Take the world in a love embrace
    Fire all of your guns at once
    And explode into space
    [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/steppenwolf/born_to_be_wild.html ]
    Like a true nature's child
    We were born, born to be wild
    We can climb so high
    I never wanna die

    Born to be wild
    Born to be wild

    [Interlude]

    Get your motor runnin'
    Head out on the highway
    Lookin' for adventure
    And whatever comes our way
    Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
    Take the world in a love embrace
    Fire all of your guns at once
    And explode into space

    Like a true nature's child
    We were born, born to be wild
    We can climb so high
    I never wanna die

    Born to be wild
    Born to be wild....


    there you go...now you go memorize this and you can bellow the whole thing in Dave's ear whenever you feel your tuckus going numb.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TUCKUS!!!!! hahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I LOVE that word!!!! And thanks for the lyrics - will memorize for next bout of bellowing!!!
      (Loved your comment, Delores, I am literally giggling here!)

      Delete
  2. Love the first pic, with your cute face in the mirror! You two make quite a cool couple- and I think it's going to be nothing but good times ahead, as you bike together!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jaybird! Cool? I dunno... I'm a-gonna practise my Fonzie look and see what happens.

      Delete
  3. ROTFLMAO but i have to say, that is an awfully small seat. I would have been numb and in pain too. Next time bring an ass pillow. Or get a bigger bike. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See? It's not that I have a large ass, it's that the seat is so small! (That's my story, JoJo, and I'm sticking to it....)

      Delete
  4. That was hilarious!
    And there are three of us on the planet without cell phones. We are a dying breed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes we are, Alex - but think of all the money we're saving!!!!

      Delete
  5. I was laughing my head off, imagining the picture of you, Cathy, with your bow legs! ;-p

    As for cell phones - does it count that I have an iPhone that only behaves like a pocket PC? Emails, web-searching = OK. Any impression of things 'normal' phones do (like calls or texting) = nada! I'm getting really fed up of complaining to Orange (network provider) and Apple (for their crappy hardware!) - they're both a couple of fruit cases!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fruit cases... hahahahahahaha!!!! Maybe there's some kind of vegetable provider you can try?

      Delete
  6. LOLOLOL! I loved this post and you've actually inspired me to go for a ride on my husband's bike. Until this point I've said variations on No, Never, Are you out of your mind, Death on wheels. But maybe....we'll see ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. A grand adventure for sure!!! Here's to big asses (as I'm the proud owner of one too!) and the men who like to grab 'em...hopefully just our husbands, unless it's Matt Damon, 'cause I'd TOTALLY let him grab mine. ;)

    Happy (and safe) riding! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahahahahahah - are back to thinking about bush snogging again? Lisa, you are SUCH a perv!!!!!! ;)

      Delete
  8. The backside size is simply not relevant; bike's are painful. Probably as comfortable as riding in a buckboard wagon over the prairie. So, think if it as being Pioneer Girl. Onward.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Pioneer Girl!" omg, you guys are cracking me up today... Now I have visions of myself in one of those little uniforms pinned with medals. I'm a shoo-in for the Flat Ass Merit Badge for starters but obviously I'm going to have trouble getting my Manners badge.

      Delete
  9. I feel your pain! Years ago, before children, when I was young and thin, my husband and I went on a motorcycle trip from San Francisco up to Crescent City, CA and back. By the time we reached Healdsburg on the return trip, I was in tears. My ass hurt so bad, I just couldn't go on. Mind you, I had already found a wide plank of wood to place on the seat and sit on, but the damage had been done. OOOWWWEEE!!! Never again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You put a plank of wood on the seat to sit on? Really? Did it help? I'm envisioning a picnic table style seat strapped on the back. Wasn't it, um, hard? Didn't you worry about slivers? I wonder if I could strap a couch on the back. .. hmmmm.....
      I feel your pain and don't blame you for the tears... it really does hurt after a while. Who'd a thunk?

      Delete
  10. mY ASS IS SO BIG i tHINK I could cope with a day ride... mind you I doubt your hubby could cope with me clutching hold of him and screaming for 5 hours!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now THERE's something I'd PAY to see!!!! Too funny!

      Delete
  11. That is why I drive a car! You are lucky you didn't get one of those lovely Ontario storms that come from nowhere and soak you do the bone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is true! Those storms can be nasty. Indeed we were lucky that day. It was a genuine jewel of an afternoon.

      Delete
  12. Relax; a 750 is big enough for both of you!

    And I'm glad to hear about our adventures.

    You can get Dave a new rear seat for Christmas, if you like biking that much. That would be a wise investment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get Dave a new rear seat? I would like a new rear seat! The one I got is 51 years old and in desperate need of repair - also, it wouldn't hurt to have some of the stuffing removed and the upholstery smoothed out.

      Delete
  13. P.S.: If you're born to be wild, what better place than between Dwight and Algonquin?

    (BTW, is the Forestry school still in Dwight?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NO! It's not! About eight or nine years ago the Liberal government CLOSED the Leslie Frost Centre to save money. There was a huge uproar about it (I was involved in the campaign to save the Frost) but it was all for naught. The grand old school is now abandoned with no trespassing signs all over it. I will never vote for McGuinty again. I always thought it would be the Conservatives who would pull such a boner move. Oh well... a lot of people lost their jobs in an area where jobs are hard to come by. And a whole generation of school children will miss out on some one of a kind outdoor education. Not to mention the Ministry of Natural REsources staff who now take their training in hotels in the city using PowerPoint presentations rather than learning about nature in the great outdoors.

      It's so cool that you know about this area!!! Really, it is!

      Delete
  14. Hahhaaha! And Dave looks pretty happy there, despite it all. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, Carrie - smiling while he's fixing the darn thing. Well, you might as well laugh, eh? No point in the alternative!

      Delete
  15. We don't have cell phones, either. Or any kind of portable devices. So there you go...

    ReplyDelete
  16. You don't need a bigger bike, you need a better seat. Stock seats are notoriously uncomfortable. I replaced mine with one made by Mustang, and my wife loves it. Unless you are a sadist you need a break about every half hour for a long trip. Call 800-318-6847 for a J.P. Cycle catalog - it's free. I have owned lots of bikes and my preference is 750cc. I get 60 miles per gallon on my Honda and all the power I need for packing two.
    A Gold Wing would be nice if you could afford it - but to me a motorcycle with a stereo and intercom....something is just wrong with that.
    the Ol'Buzzard

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the tip, Buzzard! I read Dave your comment and he laughed. Will call for the catalogue! Free is good... and yeah, you're right, a stereo on a bike is just silly.

      Delete
  17. I am all set without the bike riding, thanks. This ass needs the side car. :)

    And no cell phone??? The other day I had dropped the car off to be detailed, and I forgot my phone at home. So I was walking to work and had 5 hours where no one could get a hold of me in an emergency... it was like being stuck in the 80's.

    And the 80's weren't so good for me my friend... there was high hair, and leg warmers... it was just bad...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But I LOVED leg warmers! Just the other day I was thinking how much I missed them!!!!!!

      Delete
  18. Ol' Buzzard beat me to it. I was thinking Corbin, but Mustang is an excellent choice too. (I also agree with OB about the "too much" factor there.)

    I'm sure you'd loooooove my commute scoot — basically a 400cc dual-sport with really cushy suspension & street tires — if you could fit between my big butt & the crate strapped to the rear rack. Unfortunately, the suspension doesn't make up for the seat. But… I did take a 300+ mile trip on it once, to visit my mom for a long weekend in North Carolina. Talk about one unhappy arse after *that* trip… but OMG, the views on that stretch of the Blue Ridge Parkway made me forget all about it.

    So what was wrong with the bike? I did run across a stranded couple once, who'd forgotten about the "reserve" setting on the gas petcock. Glad to hear you got home, anyway!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL!!! Laughed at your comment too, Larry. I bet those Blue Ridge views were absolutely awesome. THAT'S why I love the bike so much.

      Not sure what's wrong with it but probably just a lose connection. Dave wiggled some wires and made sure they were tight and the thing fired up again and stayed fired. He's going to give it a careful going-over before we strike out again. He really is an amazing mechanic who specializes in electronics so I'm not worried at all that he'll figure it out and make it good as new.

      Delete
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