Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Black Fly Summit

I can't believe I haven't written about this before.
I mean, the G-freaking-8 is going on in my backyard and I haven't said boo about it yet.
Well, enough of that shit. Today is the day I let loose on what is the biggest thing to hit Muskoka since the invention of the black fly.
We're talking the G8, people, the summit of some of the world's greatest political leaders. We got France, we got the U.S., Italy, Germany, the European Union, Japan, Russia and Canada, of course, and we've got them in HUNTSVILLE.
In case you don't know where Huntsville is, it's in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere.
It's this little town that thinks it's a big, important town, sitting on the tip-top of some of cottage country's most expensive real estate. Not everybody is stinking rich. There are plenty of folks who haven't seen a dentist since the second coming of Christ, but there are enough Beamers running around to make everyone think that the Royal Canadian Mint shit gold nickels on these thar granite hills.
Normally the busiest thing to hit Muskoka is summer tourist season, where locals put up with diamond-clad plastic surgery patients drowning in daughters named Muffy, dogs named Miffy and designer dog-shit baggies that smell like rose bushes.
Now isn't normal. Now is anything but normal.
The streets are filled with cops. Every third car on the main drag is a marked cruiser. Every second car is unmarked. The poor asshole in the shitbox in the middle is sweating bricks the size of Cadillacs, hoping he can get home before someone shoots him in the back of the head.
The restaurants are full of steroidal men in army fatigues with necks the width of the Muskoka River.
The highway is one long motorcade of cop cars, limousines, motorcycles and army trucks.
The skies are buzzing with armed forces helicopters - I had no idea Canada had such big helicopters. All you hear is how cheap Canada is when it comes to national defence - I had the idea Canadian helicopters were flown with rubber bands pulled off broccoli bunches.
It's freaking scary being average Joe Citizen amongst all this.
Some farmer went out and shot a groundhog last week and he was instantly surrounded by men with guns.
A golfer at Deerhurst Resort went after a lost ball, which was returned to him by a soldier who growled, "Take your ball and get outta here."
There are fences as high as apartment buildings around the perimeter of the resort, where the summit is being held.
There are rumours of submarines in the lake.
There is a running BUZZ of weird energy. It's all everybody's talking about.
When the phones went out last week it was because "G8 security was testing phone blockage."
When Highway 11 was closed down today it wasn't because of an accident, "it was because of the G8."
When the earthquake shook everybody up, it was because "they're testing missiles for the G8."
It's crazy!
It's exciting!
What's really bugging me, though, is because the G20 is happening in Toronto on the heels of the G8, all the media is talking about is Trawna this and Trawna that.
Well, WAKE UP people!
There's always some big shit happening in the Big Smoke.
The real story is a small town in Bum-Fuck Nowhere being visited by Barack Obama and a billion and a half dollars' worth of boys in khaki.
But that's not what is bugging those boys, no sirree. What's bugging them are the local mosquitoes and black flies. Apparently there's been some bitching about our bugs. I don't know what they're so surprised about - everybody knows June is High Season for bugs in Muskoka. And no amount of submarines, machine guns and tanks can do anything about that.
Here's a suggestion for our visitors:
1. Take a piece of duct tape and a Bounce sheet and tape the sheet to the back of your ball cap, fedora or army helmet. This is known to thwart deer flies.
2. Wear light clothing, not dark clothing like camouflage. Bugs like dark clothing. So, soldiers, put on some pastel capris and you'll be fine.
3. Invest in a Mosquito Magnet. They're small enough to put in your tank and guaranteed to kill mozzies within a one-mile radius. Heck Barack, you could probably fit one in the back of your limo.
4. I personally recommend bug jackets. They're not pretty, and they're hot as hell, but they are also good disguise mechanisms. Nobody would be able to tell a Barack from a no-nuker from a cop. So everyone would be nice to each other and play nice with the other kids.
Now, I sincerely hope that my house isn't surrounded tonight by guys with big guns.
I am not an ingrate, a communist, or a protestor. In fact, I'm barely a local yocal. So please, don't come in the middle of the night and steal my laptop and shoot me. Promise? I'm getting married in the fall and I don't want to have to deal with hiding bullet wounds with make-up.
P.S. - If I don't show up at work tomorrow, will somebody please come looking for me?

The G8 leaders and the leaders of the developing nations wait for Prime Minister Stephen Harper to arrive to a family photo during the G8 Summit in L'Aquila, Italy on Thursday July 9, 2009. (Sean Kilpatrick / THE CANADIAN PRESS)
Apparently he DID show up -- just late!


  1. Oh, Lordie, lordie! We are far from the madding crowd!!! Hope you make it through!!!

  2. P.S. The Muskoka airport is nuts, too!

  3. This is worse than when Princess Diane sailed into Bar Harbor, Maine on her obscenely-huge yacht.

    Also a helluvalot funnier. Hang tough. Keep your RAID handy. peace...

  4. What a rant!! I haven't seen you swear so much since...well, the last time you swore that much. Give those G8 boys HELL! And, name's not Alan and I don't know who this crazy lady is.

    Huntsville would be right close to Weasle-piss Creek, I suppose? I hear Huntsville's the place with the guy with weird statues in the front yard. Also, I believe the brocolli elastics are used for the props on the ships, not the helicoptors (that's why my son wants to run to the US to join the marines...)

  5. This was one wacky post. Are people really like that in the middle of nowhere?

  6. Sounds exciting... How did your neck of the woods land such a big conference? Way cool...

  7. I know where Huntsville is! It sounds like craziness has hit the smalltown. Those political type take chaos whereever they go.

    Do you think Harper will make it into the photo this year?

  8. Harper in the photo - wasn't that just the stupidest thing ever? I'd forgotten about that. Too pathetic!!!
    Crazy and wacky have definitely hit Huntsville. L'Aussie asks, are people really like that? Yep, they are now. It's like living in the Twilight Zone.
    Anthony: Our Member of Parliament is Tony Clement, who is also a big-wig in Cabinet (Ministry of Industry, I think, but don't quote me). He has a lot of political influence and it was him who worked behind the scenes to get the G8 in Huntsville. The G20 almost was held here as well but organizers decided the H-Dot wasn't quite big enough.
    Laurita, you wouldn't even recognize the joint. It's scary!
    Jenn is going through all this, too - yes, the Muskoka Airport is crazy! Everything is crazy! Good luck yourself!
    Linda: at least Princess Diana was dressed well, which is more than you can say for these guys...
    Alan: you make me laugh! Yes, Huntsville is exactly beside Weasle-piss Creek! Wow, you're right, I did swear a lot. I'm not a big swearer in life - oh sure, the odd bad word escapes these Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm lips but not that often. Sometimes, though, it just comes streaming out. Have I been checked for multiple personalities? No, but it's a thought...

  9. Soldiers in pastel capris? Noooooooo! Don't do it!

    What's next? Lipstick and stilettos?

    I like my soldiers they just wear boxers and we'll spray 'em with OFF? Pleaaaaasse?


  10. Cathy, the G8 was held a Gleneagles a few years ago, which is 8 miles from where I live now. All hell broke loose. There were do gooders and tree huggers everywhere. Good luck, but with that rant you should be fine. :-)

  11. I think I need to come up there and keep you safe. Or should I say keep them safe from you...

    Thank you for this rant, it was spectacular.

  12. P.s. Glad you liked my new photo and I really like the photo in your 'header'. Family??

  13. Yup, David, thanks for noticing: that's Sam, my nine-year-old, Dave my fiancee and Angus my 13-year-old swimming the Muskoka River on the weekend. I liked how they were all spread out in a line.

  14. So, Lou, when are you coming up? The bunkie is ready for guests. There's a few extra fishing poles and the black flies are pretty much gone. You are more than welcome!

  15. Damn Cathy why don't they just take their summit indoors and then they wouldn't have to worry about the Mosquitoes. We have a Huntsville in Texas, but it is basically known for it's executioning of prisioners on deathrow. I guess that brought the house down.

  16. Okay, so I’m a Yankee. But I’ve been coming up to the family cottage (NOT in a Beamer…that would be my brother) since ’65. We’re (I won’t be specific) located near a portage. I’m on line in Cleveland, just checking out some G8 shtick, and I see this blog. This guy’s got everything right…correct…”nail-on-head”(as I observe from afar). And is actually quite funny. Thing is, Huntsville doesn’t need this stuff. It’s really nice they’re pouring so much money into the area, but what about the clean-up? I expect there will be much unwanted remnants of this event for years to come. And the positive economic impact will last three days into July (if the weather holds out).

    Good luck to all in Muskoka! I considered going up for this…but then decided against it (30 seconds & a Labatt later).

  17. Oh...Cathy, apologies for the “guy” label.
    Lake 'O Bays Kid

  18. I'm surprised their big heads could all fit into Huntsville. What a hilarious post - LOVED it! Yes, what about the "cleanup"? You'll be feeling the reverberations of their gargantuan egos for years to come.

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