Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Hot Lips

I could handle the fact that my white t-shirt was splattered with coffee, honey garlic chicken wings, soap and pen. 
Cause I'm used to that.
Every day I spill something on me. Dave doesn't have to say, "Whadja have for lunch, honey-bucket?" because he just looks at my shirt. Sometimes my hair, because lunch hides there, too. It's handy having chicken salad where you can nosh when the mood strikes.
"WHY do you wear WHITE?" my friends say, scoffing at me.
White is my favourite summer colour, I say.
I like white.
I feel FRESH.  
I feel DEWY.
And I continue to look like that right up until the moment my first cup of joe slops down my front.
I also like white because I can bleach white. Right? You know what I'm saying... if you spill something greasy on a black top, it's just a bitch to get out.
The other day I met my soul mate. He was the guy who attached the heart monitor. He must have been feeling all personal, you know, gluing wires to my boobs, because he announced, "I'm so embarrassed. I spilled coffee on myself." 
I'm half-naked and HE'S embarrassed. Typical man.
I looked at the big brown stain on his otherwise pristine white golf shirt.
"Did that this morning, I bet." sez I.
"Yes!" he says. "How did you know?"
"BROTHER!" I exclaimed.
"SISTER!" he shrieked, grabbing me and hugging me close. The wires tangled up in his stethoscope and it got all weird after that.
Here I am today, having just pigged out at a company pot luck for a bride-to-be, covered in honey garlic chicken wings, chocolate icing, pen marks and tomato pasta (because only the coloured things land on my shirt - club soda and water never get on me. They are repelled, like I'm a polar magnet pushing away, or the wrong line at IKEA:  "this is the coloured messy things line only, clear things get the express line over there." And people are laughing at my white shirt. And I'm laughing along.
Until, suddenly, my dear friend Leah sidles up to me and says, "Are they lips?"
I look at her like she has two heads.
"Lips?" I say.
"Yeah," she says, looking down at my crotch. "Lips."
I'm thinking to myself, is she talking about what I THINK she's talking about? Out loud? In front of everyone?
"Er," I say. Because I can't think of anything else. "Er... lips?"
"Yeah," she says. Like I'm stupid.
Suddenly it dawns on me.
"On my underwear? YES! They're LIPS."
I have pink kisses all over my gotchies. Obviously you can see through my white pants.
So there I was.
Filthy white shirt.
See through white pants.
Everybody in the office lookin' at my underpants.


  1. I used to wear white all summer. When I was young. Then I got old, and sloppy, and messy, and didn't care, and I discovered mud brown was my new color.

    Fun one Cathy!

  2. Never never never wear white or anything light enough to point out the fact that I am a complete clutz.....but the lips? reset reset

  3. But somehow, my dear, I bet you could pull off the look...

  4. Lol... funny stuff. Cathy you do have a way with words! :)

  5. LOL!!! That is hands down THE funniest thing I have EVER read online. You just made my year!!!

  6. ahahaha too funny!

    I always end up with stuff on my shirt too!

    (pretty sure my skivvies aint showing)

  7. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man. You are too funny, Cathy Webster. That was the best laugh I've had all week. :D

  8. That is precisely why my color was always black or at least dark up until the last few years. Put light colors on me and I'm a mess magnet. Spilled Slurpee (not even mine) on tan pants, dropped egg on the white shirt. Sigh. I finally decided I just don't care anymore and have embraced the world of color and light.

  9. Hahahahahahaha! Cathy!!! You.Kill.Me. :D

  10. I think had I realized what was up, I'd have sat right back down & slopped some stuff onto my pants to draw eyes away from the lips-on-panties.

    Or as Daughter Dearest would say, "Awwwwwwwwwkwaaaaaaaard."

  11. That's just too-casual Friday. Dress appropriate!

  12. Cathy - I hooted in sympathy on this one because the same happens to me all the time.

    I once had a pair of bikini undies with red flowers printed on them and made the same mistake when I was in high school - total mortification at that age!! So funny now...

  13. He hee a fun piece of writing. I wear white a lot in the summer, but I've learnt to wear white undies too! I really know what she means about white and being able to bleach out those stains ;)

  14. HAHA! Excellent use of a substitute F word.

    I was wondering where this was going.

  15. When I was pregnant each time, my burgeoning stomach was a bullseye for every bit of anything that went in my mouth. I've gotten better. My problem is my face. I've always got something on my face. The other day, my daughter noticed I had crumbs in my eyebrow. No idea.

    And as for white. I cannot do it in the pants region. I wear thongs and the combination would frighten small children.

    Hilarious post.

  16. SOOOO me! I LOVE white, and can't eat anything without getting some on my shirt.

    BUT, I don't ever wear white pants, just for that reason.

  17. ... spitting out my coffee right about now, Cathy ... THANKS FOR THE CHUCKLE!


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