Sunday, August 23, 2015

Fear, loathing and nap withdrawal

Going through a lot right now and I'm not sure I have it handled.

I started a job for one thing. A really great, really cool job. On paper, it's perfect for me and I think I can be good at it. But, man, I didn't actually want a job. I haven't worked for more than two years. I have kinda forgotten how.

The best thing about not working is you can poop whenever you feel the urge. And the Food Network. I will miss the Food Network. And coffee. Whenever I want it. AND NAPS.


I was hoping I wouldn't have to work again; that early retirement (I'm 55 this year - Freedom 55, get it? hahahahahaha!) was truly mine. After all, Dave has a well-paying job, we were renting out our basement and I was selling the odd painting. We weren't getting rich by any means but it was enough to pay the bills on our very nice house, for Dave to buy a fishing boat and for us to go out for dinner every once in a while and see a movie.

Then the price of oil dropped, tons of oil workers were let go and the once booming town of Cold Lake quickly learned that the opposite of "boom" is "bust." Suddenly we couldn't rent out our basement. My paintings stopped selling. We got a few unexpected bills. And, voila, money was tight.

I realized I would have to look for a job. Problem is, there aren't a lot of jobs I can actually do. I have virtually no cartilage in my knees, which makes standing for any longer than a couple of minutes excruciating. Plus I'm fat, ugly and old, which limits both Walmart and the local peelers.

I've worked my whole life in newspapers and, as everyone knows, newspapers are dying. Graphic design work has all been shipped to India and the Philippines. (Thank you, internet.) Reporting is a job for young people with good knees and lots of energy to chase after weekend events, terminally long council meetings and hockey games out the wazoo.

I didn't know what to do. A friend suggested I apply for a disability pension. I asked my doctor about it and she thought it was a good idea so, with her help, I applied last February. Talk about paperwork. Talk about a rigamarole. They certainly don't make it easy. I finally heard back from them a couple of weeks ago: no disability for me. No cartilage. Crohn's Disease. Anxiety and depression. None of it was enough to qualify.

Feckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk me.

So anyways. I got a job. And I like it, I do, but the stress of working again has hiked my anxiety to new highs. I freaked out on Dave last night because he said it was OK for relatives to come up without checking with me first. I maintain that he should check to see if I'm good with having overnight guests, but I didn't need to freak out on him as much as I did.

And, oh, god, after only one day I was exhausted! What the heck am I going to do after an entire WEEK?

Then today I caught my kid doing something he shouldn't. I'm not going to say what that is, but he has been in trouble with it before and he has promised not to do it again, and then, feck him and the boat he rode in on, he did it again today.

He is 18. He knows better. I resent that he makes me act like a parent when he's old enough to act like a fecking adult. I was having a nice, quiet, stress-free day when suddenly, bam, everything's in the toilet, thank you very much.

Oh, and on top of everything else, three weeks ago I had carpal tunnel surgery on my right hand (OF COURSE I'M RIGHT HANDED - NOTHING IS EVER EASY), and the damned thing is infected and hurts like a fecking BEAR.

I feel better writing this. Not having many friends because I am an obnoxious bitch, there aren't a lot of folks I can dump on.

So thanks for the dumping, dear Blogspot. Now if you could pour me a cup of tea you'd be fecking perfect.


  1. Aaaaargh.
    Whinge, bitch and moan to your heart's content. It doesn't change anything, but those gripes fester if they are left unvoiced.
    And I so hope that tomorrow, next week, next month, next year are better. Much better.

  2. I feel for you on all counts. Luckily my kids never did anything too awful (that I know about). Times are hard.

  3. Sorry you've had a crappy time of it lately. Going back to work after being free for so long is tough. Just hang in there. It will get better.

  4. Hang in there girl......things will get better (or they won't). You are one tough cookie and you can handle whatever the universe sends your way. And that kid of could suggest he get out and start supporting himself. That usually straightens them out lol.

  5. OMG Cathy I had no idea you were having such a hard time lately. I knew about the surgery and the job, but I didnt' realize Cold Lake's boom times were over so quickly. I would like not to have to go back to work either. Russell doesn't want me to, but sometimes being alone with my thoughts contributes to my horrible anxiety so I do think about it. Pity I'm not cut out to work with the public (retail, food service). I hope things turn around for you soon. Sorry about your son too.....:(

  6. Hang in there Cathy and allow me to pour you that cup of tea. I'm going back to work September 1st for the same reason. My small home business was doing well but I was struggling with people not wanting to pay. I'm worried too, so understand, you're not alone my friend. :)

  7. Oh jeez Cathy.....I just hope things pick up for you. I'm telling you as someone who has been there.....APPLY again. Unless you are on life support they *always* turn you down the first, and often second and third attempts.

  8. Here. Not only would I be happy to pour you a nice cup of tea, I'd even be willing to put a little splash of amaretto in it for you. See? I really AM fecking perfect. :)

    I hope things get better. Do you have a process there where you can appeal the decision about disability? I know quite a few people here who got denied the first time around, but got the green light via appeal. Worth a shot, anyway.

    Psssst! You're not old. (If you're "old", I'm reeeeeeeally old!)

    Ever think about working as a book editor? You could do it from home... could go poop whenever you feel the urge... and might could even slip in an afternoon nap between shows on the Food channel. :)

  9. There are times when a good venting is needed.

  10. Hang in there. I know how exhausting it is going back to work until you build up some stamina. It totally sucks that you're starting so soon after surgery though!

  11. ok, I understand a little more. Everything happens in clumps, like shit, sorry I missed this one, here's some dolphin hugs and resiliency exhales (i just made that up), take care, love coming your way!!! Didn't know about your surgery sorry, hope the infection has fucked off by now. xo

  12. Feck the tea. Here -- have a Guinness. And a hug. Don't forget the hug.


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