Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Shook Up Like A Bag Of Chips

I Do Countdown: 10 Days
Today the alarm went off at 5 a.m. when I didn't have to get up until 8 and the first thing I did was step on a cat poo truffle.
This is a sign from God that I shouldn't leave the house. Cause yesterday the alarm went off at 5 and the first thing I did was clean up dog piddle. And I really shouldn't have left the house. But nobody told me it was a Sign. They should have, but I don't think there is anybody delegated to tell you what the Signs are. You're given a Sign - it's up to you to interpret the Sign. I guess the powers-that-be figure we don't need somebody to say, "YO, STUPID - THAT THERE'S A SIGN." But they're wrong, because we do.
I am all shook up like a bag of chips.
My parents used to say that to me when I was all wound up, which was a lot, looking back - poor them. These days I'm less hyperactive and more like a big slug - sometimes I wish someone would poke me with a stick just to see if I'm breathing.
But not these days. I'm breathing all right. Hyperventilating, more like. My heart's thumping outta my chest, my skin's clammy and I feel nauseous about 99% of the time, which doesn't prevent me from stuffing my gob like someone stuffs a turkey. Stress eating? Oh yah - I am worried about fitting into my wedding dress. I guess I should have got the elastacene version with the spandex lace inserts and the girdle middle.
Ya see? There's another Sign right there. I came home from work the other night and flipped on the tube and there was Dr. Oz talking about obesity. I frikkin' hate shows about obesity when I'm going through a Fat Stage. When I'm dieting, I could watch Fat Shows all day. They're inspiring. When I'm Fat Staging, they are a guilty reminder and you just want to shut them the hell up. I hate Dr. Oz. I do. I hate him. I don't get why he's so popular. I don't like Dr. Phil, either. And Oprah's just started her last season. I still like Oprah, and I'll miss her. But her two weird doctorish offspring can calve anytime, as far as I'm concerned.
I'm digressing. (It's called Stress Writing, much like Stress Eating only not as tasty.)
Excuse me while I yell at the cat. He's humping Aunt Edna's blanket again. I don't know why he loves to hump Aunt Edna's hand crocheted blanket but the filthy creature is in love with it - GET OFF THE BLANKET, BEN, YOU TWISTED WEIRDO.
I'm digressing again. I want to tell you about yesterday.
At work, I could barely concentrate. I've been having trouble falling asleep at night lately and at work yesterday it was all I could to to keep my eyes open. Toothpicks helped but the pointy ends kept poking holes in my eyelids. Time moved exquisitely slow. Like in school, when you're bored out of your ever loving skull and the clock moves in slow motion. Tick ..... tick .... tick .... and drool puddles out of the corner of your mouth and your head is bobbing and weaving ... tick ....
When it was finally time to leave, with emphasis on Finally, I decided to go into town (my office is on the outskirts) and pick up a couple of chick flicks, some dish soap and a bag of McDonald's. Dave was away overnight for a course in Toronto and I figured I would curl up on the couch with some romantic wedding comedy and a Big Mac.
So I went to the video store and picked out Bride Wars and Letters to Juliet, or something, and then paid. Uneventfully. I had enough points to get one movie for free so I only had to fork over five bucks cash for the other one. Fine. (And since I only ended up watching one movie I don't feel like I wasted anything.)
Then I went over to the grocery store because I needed some dish soap, laundry detergent and light bulbs. I pulled out my debit card for that one and Guess What! The transaction was Not Approved. My face heated up like an Arizona sunrise. But I was cool. "Oops," I said. And forked out the sixteen bucks from the loonies and toonies I had in my wallet.
Actually it hasn't happened to me for a long, long time. But I've been spending money like a drunken sailor on wedding crap so what's surprising isn't that I finally ran out of coin, it's that I didn't run out sooner.
While I played it cool at the check-out counter, inside I was a gelatinous mess. My legs were shaking so bad I could hardly walk out to the parking lot.
"Settle down," I said to myself. "Breathe."
My hands shook as I started the Jeep.
I know what I'm like when I get like this. If I was with Dave, I'd let him drive because it's just safer that way. But Dave wasn't there. So I actually consciously told myself to Be Careful backing up, to look all ways, to do it slow.
Still, I just missed backing into somebody's pick-up truck by inches. INCHES. Maybe even less than that. The "what would have happened if I had of hit it" ran through my head as my heart pounded in my chest.
I drove away, slowly. When I got to the highway I set the cruise control because I didn't trust myself to keep to the speed limit. I just wanted to get home, in one piece.
Yesterday I had a friend wonder if I was mad at her. NO! I'm just a big, weirded out ball 'o stress. I yell at my kids. I cry without warning or reason. I snap at Dave.
So last night, when I got home safe and sound, I made a few phone calls. I called my friend and told her I'm not mad at her. I called my kids and told them I'm not mad at them. I called Dave and told him how much I missed him. I watched Bride Wars. I folded some laundry. I ate some chips - because sometimes it's better to eat chips than to be shook up like a bag of them.
As for today's Sign, the kitty litter encrusted turd that I stepped on (our dog pulls them out of the litter box and kindly deposits them around the house) and the raging alarm clock, I vow to heed the warning. Or at least try.
With only 10 days to go, it's getting harder and harder to do.


  1. Oh, Cathy, you truly are a bag of chips with your nerves about the impending wedding! Remember that it takes only 3 days of watching the salt content of what you eat to ensure no bloat... :)

    And change that alarm!

  2. Hang in there, my dear!

    Dave loves you, we all love you, and you're going to have a fantastic wedding day.

    Breathe, breathe. (And remember: all this will be great material someday. Will be? What am I saying? It already is. What a bang-on description of being stressed out!)


  3. I spose if you are down to 10 days left I don't have a chance?? Hey if you were looking for a husband, I am a husband..

  4. I've been thinking about you a lot these days my friend - you and Keely (now Haines). I hope that somewhere inside all of this crunchy-salty-stress you are enjoying the beautiful chaos that you so amazingly deserve. You are going to look so stunningly ferocious on your wedding day. The dress will fit, you'll likely tear up when you walk down the aisle and hey, if you can't yell at a few friends/family when you're having a less-than-perfect day, who CAN you yell at? I mean, you COULD yell at the Blockbuster movie lady, or you COULD snap at a sales rep who's making your day worse, but it'd get you nowhere. Family and friends understand - trust me, I've been doing a lot of inane snapping myself these last few months. Friends and family will always hug you when you come clean about the angst - the Blockbuster lady might not hug you. ;)

    (PS: I'd prefer to wake up and step in cat poop than wake up and see Jake staring at me with a crust of litter on her nose. Yes, my dog eats cat poop. It makes her as sick as all get out, but she eats it. Oh.The.Shame.)

  5. I enjoyed your 'cat poo truffle' descriprion. If jet were to leave us a breakfast yummy at the side of the bed I'm thinkin' it would be more like a Toblerone.

    Don't sweat small things like tapped out debit cards. All part of the big wedding adventure. In a couple of weeks you'll be laughing about the whole thing over a beer with us here at Land's edge!

  6. Marisa - I don't know how to change the damn alarm! Dave's had this stupid alarm clock (who's stupid - I don't know how to work it and it just sits there and beeps at me) since before I met him. He has repeatedly shown me how it works but I DON'T GET IT. To my credit, we had friends house-sit for us while we were on holidays and it went off on THEM at 5 a.m. the first morning. They tried to re-set it the next day; figured they were good to go; and it went off the next morning at 5 a.m. HA! So they unplugged the damn thing and the next morning at 5 it went off - BATTERY BACK-UP!!!!! So they swaddled it in several feet of blankets for the rest of the week.
    Dave is the only one capable of wrangling the alarm clock. I think he and the clock are in cahoots.

  7. Paula - (sniff, sniff) I just wanna cry. Can I cry on your shoulder Paula? Can Nico make us a BUCKET of his world famous peach crisp and we can eat it and cry? That would be fun, don't you think?

    Michael - that's the best offer I've had all day! Who knew you were such a Romeo?

    Tracy - I MISS YOU. And you made me laugh out loud, thinking about Jake with a kitter-crusted snoot. I hear it's what all the cutest dogs are wearing this season! Have you ever thought how ridiculous it is that we spend small fortunes buying expensive dog food for our pooches - when they're just as happy eating cat poop?

    Alan - I don't even drink beer and I'm looking forward to a beer at Land's Edge. Re: the Toblerone at the side of the bed - would it have crunchy bits in it? Or would it be soft-centered? The cat poo truffles are crunchy on the outside and smooth and creamy in the middle. Misty thinks they're Parisian delicacies.

  8. Don't do that! You're chips will be all smushed and crumby. I laughed all the way through this, especially at the cat part. Oh Cathy, you are all that...and a bag of chips. Just don't shake them.

  9. OK, Laurita, if you say so.
    It IS tempting, though.
    Jest saying.

  10. Would a Versatile Blogger Award make you feel better, or just stress you out? I'll risk it. I've passed one on to you at my How to Get Published blog.

  11. Thanks, Bernard! No, not more stressed... impossible to be more stressed. Appreciate the gesture very much!

  12. My shoulder's here! And I we do happen to have a few peaches here right now. And butter. And brown sugar. And oatmeal. And vanilla ice cream... :)

  13. I don't get it. The only difference between now and eleven days from now is you and Dave will have a legal document to lose in some junk drawer. For garsh sakes be careful driving!

  14. A rough day for you sure turns into a fun read for us. :)

  15. You might want to look into trying some Tai Chi. I use to be a heap of worrying nerves and anxious about things all the time. Being forced to stand in a dark room, move slowly and listen to the instructor talk in a really soothing voice did wonders for me. Take each day one day at a time and you'll be fine :)


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