Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I Feel Pretty

I feel pretty! I do, I do, as long as I don't look in the mirror I am Natalie Wood, goddess of dark hair and liquid eyes.

I feel witty, I make you laugh, oh yes, you may not want to, but look at you smiling, you cannot help but laugh. Look at me spill coffee on my white-shirted self, hear me make spitfire humour, with spit, even. Oh so witty!

And gay, no, not so much, but happy, yes, especially with my gay friends. All happy are we! All gay, almost, like mauve bonnets at an orange juice convention. Anita, is that youuuuuu? Honey, you've aged!

I adore I Feel Pretty, could listen to it all day, like today, when I did, in fact, and finally posted Natalie Wood as my chat icon because we look so much alike. When she was alive, I mean. And when I was young, like 12. Like that. Who's that pretty girl in that mirror there? Who can that attractive girl be? Is it me? Is it Natalie? Is it Memorex?

Such a pretty face, such a pretty smile, such a pretty I forget, such a pretty MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I feel charming, also.

It's actually alarming how charming I feel. (And so pretty... did I mention pretty? Cause I feel pretty and witty and GAY! Anita! You again? Piss off.)

Work is so quiet. So boring. I hear Dave over in his office snoring. Lynda is saying, "What? What?" because she thinks Dave is saying something to her. Karen is stretching and yawning, one of those loud yawns that scare the shit out of me. Jesus, Karen, how many pairs of clean underwear do I need to bring in for a day?

The music in my ear swells - oh wait, it's ear wax - and I feel pretty, OH SO PRETTY, and there's Jason, grabbing Lisa's wedding tiara and plunking it on his own gell-haired head and he's SINGING in a tremulous falsetto, swirling around the production floor in his peach jumper, and suddenly Leah jumps up and tries to grab the tiara because she's an actress and needs to be in the spotlight. "I WANNA BE MARIA," she squeals, but Jason dips and evades her, all in time with the music. The rest of us are overcome with the need to dance so Karen and Lynda pull on their leg warmers and try to be Jennifer Beal (s?) but then Terri smacks them and says, "WRONG MOVIE, MORONS." And she says, "Jennifer Lopez is a fake," only because it pisses me off. But I Feel Pretty, so who gives a shit? Then Cathy B. staggers to her feet and we think she's doing the Funky Chicken but it's only her bad back. Angie, Gail and Marg join in, swanking things up like the background girls in the bridal shop, singing "Miss America, speak! Speak!" while Marianne shrieks, "GILLIGAN!" and we sweep around the room while the music swells and we all develop Puerto Rican-Canadian accents. (Think of Spanish Rice slathered in maple syrup.) The ad reps come in, their mouths like trout, and they sing, "See those pretty girls in the production room!" and Sarah comes and takes our photos and puts them on the front page of the newspaper and they sell more papers than ever, in the history of newspapers, and it's all because I feel pretty.

Hey, I said I FELT pretty. Didn't say I was... way to rain on the parade, buster. Who let this guy in, anyway? HEY! Gimme back that tiara! HEY! DON'T I KNOW YOU????


  1. HAHAHA! Oh Cathy, this made me laugh so hard! Why didn't you invite me??

  2. But I did, Sarah! You're the one taking the photos! Of course I remembered you, my sweet!

  3. I'm sorry, I seemed to have stepped into the Twighlight Zone...the episode where the guy on the plane (played by Natalie Wood, of course, not Bill Shatner) sees a creature damaging the wing of the plane while in flight.

    *Alan quietly closes the door and backs away slowly* He whispers, "I'll drop by again tomorrow Cathy...try to get some rest..."

  4. Whatever it is that the whole bunch of you are drinking, I WANT some.

  5. I KNEW it was you Alan! Gimme back that tiara, you fez-wearing hataholic! Lisa has to wear that in her wedding! HEY! Come BACK! ALLLLAAAAANNNNNNNN!

  6. I'd share it, Delores, but I'm pretty sure Alan took that, too.

  7. Oh. My. God. You are simply awesome, Cathy!

  8. Haha... nice work on the photo. As I was reading I was imagining production going into a full blown... well... production. With lights and sets rolling in and out as scenes changed.

    Wouldn't life be more fun if it just busted into a cool musical whenever you needed it?

  9. Well I DID have some help with Jason's head up there.. thanks to Jason for the mad head-warping Photoshop skillz.

  10. I've always wanted to see something like this break out spontaneously. For real though, Flash Mob without choreography. A pretty girl like you might be just the one to spark it!

  11. It's my mission in life, Handsome Harry!

  12. I adored the ranting ending. And, hey! You conquered formatting! The double spaces make it much smoother to read. Thanks for tinkering at the behest of little-minded folks like me.

  13. This was like taking a perfectly good and harmless trip on a drug called lalalala la la.

    Hilarious, all of it!

    (and I'm going to start watching that video every morning)

  14. Damn it I was going to do a post just like this. I wish you'd stop stealing all my good ideas. It really pisses me off. I feel all icky now.

  15. John, I am the Queen of Formatting.. where do you think the tiara came from? Lou, are you really going to watch the video? Isn't Jack Nicholson downright scary when he sings "lalalalalala?" I think he's scarier than his axe/door moves in The Shining. And Mark - BUAHAHAHAHAHA! LAUGHING OUT LOUD, seriously! "feel all icky!" HAR!!!!!!

    By the way, this is amazing.. it's 10:36 p.m. here in my neck of the woods and guess what movie just came on The Movie Network? Yesss..... West Side Story.... sigh... Pure, delicious kismet. Shall we dance, everyone? Because suddenly I FEEL PRETTY!

  16. I just adore Natalie Wood, by the way. Such a shame that she died so song and so tragically. Recently I read a post from the tattooed lady at Crazy with a Side of Awesome Sauce (http://crazywithasideofawesomesauce.blogspot.com/2010/05/chicks-who-do-it-for-me.html). She was talking about women she, ahem, adores, and listed some favourite celebrities.
    Natalie Wood is one of those women I "crush on." Funnily enough, so is Sally Field, who Anthony Venutolo admitted to have a little crush on, too. I'd add singer Jann Arden to my list. I have a photo of her sitting on the desktop of my laptop and I can never bring myself to trash it.
    I'm writing this, with West Side Story in the background; poor Dave is down in Toronto on a course so I can watch all my favourite shows without complaints. Earlier tonight I caught It's Complicated, the movie with Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. I have to say, I'm crushing a lot on Alec Baldwin now. As he ages he has such a sweet humility an he's turned into a fine actor. Saw him on Actors Studio one day and was impressed with his smarts. Oh, and Meryl... don't we all crush on her a little? Her hair, like shining honey, still gorgeous ... still talented. Still Meryl.

  17. She was seriously beautiful. Also, you ARE pretty. ;-)

  18. God I had a crush on Natalie Wood. Still do.

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