Sunday, November 13, 2011

21,263 words and I'm freakin' hungry!

I'm having a colonoscopy tomorrow afternoon (YES, ANOTHER ONE) so I haven't been able to eat anything all day. Worse, the stupid procedure isn't booked until 3:30 p.m. so that's almost another whole day where I can't eat anything.

HELLLLOOOOOOOOOO????? Doesn't my doctor realize how much I have to EAT? That if I didn't love food so much I wouldn't be going to Weight Watchers?

I think I'm going to die if I don't eat soon.

And – gak – as soon as I finish writing this I have to take the purgative that will ship everything I've eaten for the last week fleeing from my loins like it's hopped up on nitrous.

Feck, feck, feck I hate colonoscopies.

I just had one in the spring and all was FINE. I was FINE. But then I went and got sick a few weeks ago and now the doc wants to have another look. What does he think my colon is, anyway? A movie? With polyps as the starring role? With him as the director? And his probe-thing as, I don't know, Godzilla?

It doesn't help that I just wrote a chapter about corn roasts. Mother of all that is holy, I was drooling as I wrote this:

"Grandpa Bean set up several enormous pots over raging bonfires. They boiled hundreds of cobs of corn, picked fresh that day from his fields and husked by the entire family. They cooked hot dogs, too, big steaming vats of wieners bursting their skins. Grandpa Bean used a hay wagon as a giant table and it was loaded with plates of butter, buns for the weenies, all manner of condiments and bowl after bowl of homemade potato and macaroni salads, coleslaw and baked beans. Weezie loved all of it. She could eat six or seven cobs of corn at a sitting, on top of a couple of hot dogs and a can of orange pop. The butter and salt would drip down her elbows and smear all over her cheeks and she’d care not one whit. And despite being full to bursting she’d find room in the bottom of her hollow leg for a slice or two of homemade pie. Grandma Bean and her daughters and sisters all made pies for the corn roast. The hay wagon groaned with pie. Apple, lemon meringue, raisin, cherry. Just thinking about those pies was enough to provoke drooling in Weezie some 30 years later. "

 Yep, let's write about hot dogs and corn on the cob when you're eating nothing but popsicles and ginger ale.

Those of you who know me will realize that I was using my grandparents' famous corn roasts as inspiration. Hazel and Charles Hooper farmed in Buttonville, Ontario, where Grandpa was the Reeve of Markham and had a lot of friends in political circles. Every year they hosted a corn roast to thank their friends and colleagues and these parties were one of the highlights of my kid year, right up there with Christmas and birthdays. It was the best corn, the best hot dogs, the best everything. It was such a pleasure to remember it today, even though I'd give my left nut right now for even a slice of dry bread.

(No, I don't actually have nuts. That is just an EXPRESSION. Gawd, sometimes people take things so literally!)

The writing, as you can see, is ROUGH. I'm just laying it down, trying to meet my daily word count and not bothering about grammar or spelling or how many freaking times I used the word "big." Just getting the words down, at this point, is good enough for me. The last few days I've been in a bit of a funk. One day I didn't write anything at all and yesterday I only pumped out a few hundred words. Thank goodness I was able to crank out 2,000 or so today. I feel like I'm back in the game.

Still, the halfway mark is coming up tomorrow and, by rights, I should have 25,000 words under my belt. That's 3,737 words by tomorrow night if I want to stay on par.

Is that possible? When my arse end has a date with Dr. Prong? We'll see. Or he'll see... he's the one with the scope.

Gotta go... have to go drink some really disgusting crap now.

(I hate my life sometimes.)


  1. It reads well, sounds so real I can smell the corn cooking....maybe because you ARE so hungry is what made it seem so real. Um...sorry about the scope thingy tomorrow...hope it all goes well.

  2. Dang, you made ME hungry, and I just returned from an afternoon with some girlfriends eating upscale wine pub food. If that's rough, well...

    Sorry for the colonoscopy. I hate the pre-stuff, too, but oh... love how warm and floaty I feel after. Peace...

  3. Thanks Delores! Yep, I'm pretty sure starving helps makes writing about food that much more real... or perhaps desperate is the right word...

    Oh, the warm and floaty feeling... yes... I'm with you, Linda. The drugs are pretty darn floaty. Plus, I am promised dinner out when we're done... there's a carrot to keep me 'moving.'

    (Upscale wine pub food? Mmmmmmmm)

  4. I love corn and now I am starving too. I know what you mean about the fasting. I just got out of the hospital...again...and I hated it when they had me on NPO (is that right?)...anyway I not only had myself but 2 nurses and a nurses aid making sure I didn't slip. They wouldn't even let me have water, and to make sure they would empty and move my water pitcher. Talk about torture.

    Yah, well I am home for now so I can drink all the water I want, with no nurse taking it from me.

    Hope the Doctor finds out what is wrong and you don't have to "make any more movies staring your polyps" and just thinking about that Godzilla makes me shudder.

    Pamela Jo

  5. Oh no, Pamela Jo - I'm sorry to hear about your hospital visit. Glad to hear you're back to drinking at will! Fasting is awful.
    We already know I have Crohn's disease but I was nicely in remission. He's just checking to see what's up and whether the remission is over.

  6. Good for you, Cathy. You're damn near keeping the pace.

    Hope the colonoscopy and writing go well. Best of luck on both fronts. Or is it rears?

  7. I remember those corn roasts well. Your colonoscopy was a success, so it was worth having to put up with all preparation before hand Love - Mom

  8. I like how the ad suggests taking a laxative at bedtime.


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