Thursday, November 22, 2012

Boob problems

I have teeny tiny boobies and a big fat back. Imagine a plump prepubescent with twin zits and a moustache and you've got the idea.

This makes brassiere-buying somewhat impossible because the vast majority of bras are built for Amazonian princesses with breasts like cantaloupes and backs like pick-up sticks.

The good news is, the Fat Ladies Store finally ordered hooter holders for the freakishly boobless heifers of the world and it was with no small amount of glee that I bought a bra that should have, technically speaking, fit.

Let me just say I could fit a coffee maker and a bucket of Kentucky Duck in the vast empty caverns of those B cups. When I put it on this morning I didn't know whether to stuff 'em with toilet paper or take them in a notch. Or two. OK, so three notches.

I decided to sew them because we didn't have enough toilet paper. Actually, Wal-mart, Costco and the suspiciously-dusty-variety-store-with-the-bongs-in-it-down-the-street combined don't have enough toilet paper, such is the vastness of the twin grand canyons now strapped to my chest.

I also decided to sew the cups while the bra was on. ("On" being a less than accurate description of the hanging nipple-ended bits of flesh occupying empty corners of the cups.)

I don't recommend you do this.

I have been pierced in places that should not be pierced. And my sweatshirt and brassiere are now as firmly connected as a childproof lid on a bottle of pain pills.

Looks like you won't be getting to first base tonight, honey.


30 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha!
    Sorry, Cathy, this conjured up some freaky images - had me in stitches! :-)

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  2. Just don't bother with those horrible bras - they are too much trouble aren't they? They pinch and hurt, the straps dig in, and god only knows how yours feels now! I take mine off right after work and realize my breathing was restricted all day long. Now I like wearing tank tops and then my clothes over that. Like a boy. A happy boy.

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    Replies
    1. I wanna be a boy too. Well, not really. Just in the tank top department.

      The girls are still a little too animated for tank tops but the way gravity is pulling on 'em, it won't be long before I'll be joining your happy boy parade! Thanks Alison! :)

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  3. That made me laugh out loud and cringe at the same time!

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    Replies
    1. As long as you weren't twitching, I think we're good!

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  4. Guess you won't be Bra Shopping at La Senza anytime soon? since you have created your all in one hooter holder nipple piercing contraptions of sorts, with built in "keep the husband" out feature?

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    Replies
    1. Oh gawd, somebody gave me a gift certificate for La Senza once. I tried to be gracious but I felt like yelling at her shapely self - EVEN THE SOCKS DON'T FIT ME AT LA SENZA. I refrained. Carried the gift card around with me for two years then finally gave it to a girl at work. She was happy! So, happy ending I guess.

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  5. Replies
    1. The bwaaahahahahahaaaaaaa comments really are the best! :)

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  6. :) Breasts like cantaloupes and backs like pick up sticks! LOL

    Hilarious!!

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  7. BWAA HAAA HAAA HAAAA You slay me!!! :D Bra shopping is one of the world's most wretched tasks ever. My bras are literally threadbare with sprung elastic but I just can't make myself go and pay those prices!

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    Replies
    1. Sprung elastic! Yes! That's EXACTLY what mine look like!

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  8. I must have missed something here. Why, exactly do you need a bra? I sure would be enjoying the breeze up my t-shirt.

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    Replies
    1. I need something to restrain the fwapping flesh. It's not a lot, granted, but it still fwaps around in that stiff breeze!

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  9. This is what confirmed for me that whatever Deity is in charge of the universe is in fact male. No female would have invented the bloody things in the first place, nor would a She Deity ever have created the monthy 'visitor' or f#!*%$@!!ng hot flashes!

    There, that feels better.

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    Replies
    1. LOL - Are you having a bad day, Deb???? heheheheheh

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  10. Sounds like that football player that got third degree burns trying to iron a shirt while wearing it.

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  11. Burn the damn thing! Cheaper that way and more comfortable. :)

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    Replies
    1. I'll explain that to the Boss when my teats are fwapping through the office on a coffee run.

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  12. I have the opposite problem, big boobies and small back. Let me tell you they aint no picnic either. :) Most of the time when I find one that finally fits right, they pop out of the top creating the "twin peaks of mommy mountains".

    *sigh*

    I did finally find a running bra though... I had to special order it AND still take it in, but man does it make a difference. And only for the mere low low price of $65. *double sigh*

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  13. Only you could write a post like this! LOL However you do have my sympathies for trying to find bras that fit. I have as you know had breast cancer, a lumpectomy, which means I have one boob bigger than the other, so I have to buy for the bigger boob while the other has room to breath! Such is life, but hey I'm still here 18 years on!

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  14. Due to the font on the title, I spent the first half of this wondering, "What does this have to do with her book problems?"

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  15. Laughed until I snorted. Sadly, I have the same problem as Juli, and it is a stroke of pure luck when I find a bra than neither rides up the back and settles in my armpits nor creates the dreaded 4-boob. I'd go without, but that creates a problem that would require a whole blog post to explain. :-D

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  16. This post rates as Righteous and Wiswell's comment rates Hilarious.

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