Thursday, February 11, 2010

Alan Was Right

Vacation Diary Day Four:

Alan W. Davidson told me the other day to quit sitting around in my underwear.
I should have listened.
But do I really need to get up at the crack of dawn and get fully clothed in too-tight jeans and armour-plated brassiere just so I can sit around in front of the boob tube?
Obviously if Alan W. Davidson had to wear a bra he'd be peeling it off and sling-shotting it into the nearest corner the minute he stepped over his Newfoundland threshold.
Anyway, it was still early. Dave and I had been up for a bit and had watched a chick flick while I sipped my coffee and he drank his juice. 
It was pleasant.
I felt no need to be sitting around in anything other than my t-shirt and gotchies.
That is until the movie was over and I went to the front door to let the dog out.
There I was, in my underwear.
And there was my mother and my Aunt Mary coming up the front stoop.
I shrieked.
It was like the fire alarm went off.
It was every man for himself.
Dave's eyes popped open, he jumped off the couch and ran, literally ran, into the bedroom. All I saw was a flash of his black Fruit of the Looms disappearing around the corner. 
I backed up in what felt like slow motion, each foot mired in quicksand, my mouth frozen in a "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...."
It's only about six steps from the living room to the bedroom but it felt like a mile, the longest of all possible miles, the Superbowl of miles, and I was the quarterback, and I had the ball, and I was so close to a touchdown, but the other team was hot on my trail, and then I realized I was in my underwear, in a stadium, on national TV. 
Suddenly I realized I wasn't the quarterback.
I was Janet Jackson.
Heart in mouth I lunged through the bedroom just as Aunt Mary knocked on the front door, opened it a crack and said, "Hello?"


  1. See what I mean? Why don't people listen to me?

  2. hilarious. i think we've all been there at one point or another. one of the few times i'm thankful to be renting in a building with a security buzzer. heh

  3. Haaa!!! This is gold! heheh - I understand why you sit around in your underwear (the sweltering heat of the wood stoves) but, y'know - maybe a pair of shorts or something? heheh I'm still giggling.

  4. Oh, oh, busted! What up with the granny panties?

  5. If you think you'll get caught again (and you probably will) invest in some stylish undies. Like the high cut leg in black and red flannel plaid ... no need to shave your legs wearing that style. Or perhaps a bikini cut in a camo print. No one will notice you in those! All available at the local GT.

  6. Laughed till I creid this time... thanks for that.

  7. This is the best story I have ever read in my entire life! You should win a Pulitizer prize for such amazing writing! You must take after your mother, you are SO wonderful!
    Love,your mother.

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