WHAT IDIOT WRECKED THE GOODIES?

Photo: Steve Ford Elliott via stock.xchng

I just went over to the wood stove to dampen it down and walked past a brown flat object on the floor.
Immediately I picked it up, with a Kleenex, and smelled it.
When you live in a house with messy people, a wood stove, two cats and a little dog, there are a few things that brown flat object might be.

1. Dinner from last night (or last week, if I'm being honest).
2. A wood chip.
3. Animal excrement.

See, because we live in a recycled world, I have to know what the flat object is because that determines if it goes in the garbage, the recycling bin, the wood stove, or the toilet. Not being able to see close-up because my reading glasses are hibernating in the bottom of my Dorothy-from-the-Wizard-of-Oz bowling bag, I have to rely on my sense of smell. No, I don't bowl.
Once I picked up a flat object in the house and smelled it, only to discover it was a dead baby bird, with all bulgy eyes... kinda like the balut they're talking about over on Bye, Bye Pie. Don't go to the balut link I put there. Don't. I swear, your eyes will burn out of your ever-lovin' head.
(You went, didn't you? I bet you don't listen to your mother, either.)
This time around, I got lucky. The flat brown object went into the wood stove.

***

Dammnit, I can't find it.
Oh wait, there it is. This afternoon I googled "did Goodies candy change?" because I bought a bag of Goodies the other day and they just SUCKED. And lo, I found a blog by another Ontario Goodies lover who was bemoaning the huge change in this beloved candy coated licorice treat. Of course, tonight I couldn't find it... but finally, I did. And here's the link to DMC & ME: Sucking Large: Hersheys' Goodies. You can pretty much tell by the title that we're of like minds when it comes to Goodies suckage.
These little pretties used to be hard-as-my-Grade-Two-Teacher licorice, a narrow tube of it, much like her lips when I got sent out to the hall for talking too much. (Obviously something I've never been guilty of). Covering the licorice-teacher-tube is a layer of coloured candy. Unless these babies were fresh, you could break your teeth on them. But that was their charm!
This new bag I bought – oh, man, the Goodies were SPONGY inside. Like somebody stuffed a Big Turk spirit guide chocolate bar into them. Gag me, tender! To be more specific, they taste almost exactly like Good 'n Plenty, the pink and white American version of the treat.
I'm willing to bet Hershey figured it was cheaper to make one product for all countries... and they're probably made in India, for all I know. *checking bag* YES! It says they were IMPORTED by Hershey Canada. Bastards!
I complained about this on facebook and my cousin Julie Hooper said Smarties have been fecked with, too. "They taste like flowers, now," she said.
That's too much. Smarties like flowers?
The world is going to hell in a handcart.
Anyway, I sent an e-mail to Hershey and told them they SUCK.
Haven't heard back yet. Go figure.

***

Yes, I'm ranting.
Where IS everybody in blogland these days?
There were only a few comments on Laurita Miller's Brain Droppings blog and it's going the way of the do-do bird... she's replacing it with a new one Thursday. I'm not sure if the link will stay the same but I'm hoping because my brain drops at the very sight of new links. It's HERE if you want to say your sad farewells. (Also, she's losing the hair on Saturday. THIS SATURDAY! I hear the name of her new blog is going to be Hair Droppings. Either that or Bald Brain. Jest saying...)
Also, Lou Freshwater posted a poem of mine with a classic piece of art and only one person commented! Guess who that one person is? Here's a hint: she is an awesome writer, is very good looking with fresh blonde hair that bounces. Lou has been putting out some trés interesting stuff lately.. go check it out. Oh, and you can start with my poem. Yah, it's one you read before, but so what? Lou has also started up an editing business and she's looking for work. If you'd like someone to fix up your flash story, or your novel, book report or even university thesis, Lou's for you.

***

OH! I almost forgot what I really wanted to rant about - I have so many things I can't keep track.
Here in the District of Muskoka our councillors, our part-time councillors, have allocated $38,000 of taxpayers' money to buy themselves laptops.
SERIOUSLY!
And not just any laptops, no... they went all fancy and got monitors, docking stations, extra keyboards and mice and cats and kitty litter and stuff - to the tune of approximately $1,700 each!
First of all, I do all my blogging on my laptop and I NEVER use a docking station (WTF is that???), an extra keyboard or a mouse or a monitor. THE LAPTOP HAS ALL THAT JUNK. I mean, come ON!
Second, you can go to Scrawl-mart and buy a netbook for $400. Seriously! That's all they need!
Third, and most important, I don't think they have any damn business buying themselves laptops! Let them buy their own, for crying out loud! Everyone else does! And if they do, they can write it off as a business expense at tax time! (I know, either way we're screwed.)
And THEN I heard local Huntsville councillors have decided to earmark money so they can all buy themselves an iPad if they want!
BUAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Sorry, I'm laughing hysterically, here.)
Now, just to be clear, my cousin John is a Huntsville councillor and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that John was among those who turned the iPad/laptop/docking orbital space station down because he is good with money and good with people and he would never do such a thing. Yes, there were individual councillors who realized it wasn't a good idea. (Yay John!)
But a word to the wise to the rest: when times are tough; when people are losing their jobs, IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD TO GO AND BUY YOURSELF AN IPAD!
Instead of spending money on laptops and iPads, why not go fix some bloody potholes?
Better yet, hire me to make PR decisions for you because it's clear you do a rotten job of it yourselves!
(Oh, if I get hired, do I get an iPad? How about a Blackberry? Maybe a new car?)

***

Did I mention my jaw locked on the weekend?
I seriously could not close my mouth.