Cheerleader Runs Amok

Do you ever do this?

I do.

And I always feel sick afterwards.

Essentially I am a happy person, give or take a bout with depression. Not only am I happy, I want the world to be as happy as I am. If I'm excited about something, I want you to be excited. If I think something is wonderful, I want you to see the wonder. If there's joy to be had, I want you to share in it.

There's nothing wrong with that. I think most people would agree it's a good thing to want to share happiness.

Sometimes, though, I "get carried away." (I put that in quotes because that's what my parents used to say to me - "Don't get carried away!") 

That's when the enthusiasm takes over good sense and I usually wind up saying something embarrassing, something I immediately regret. Something that makes me feel all oogery inside.

One time (in band camp), a bunch of us work chicks were playing hooky for the afternoon, going tubing down a river. I was SO excited. I wanted all of us to go. One girl didn't want to go. The cheerleader in me took over as I kidded and cajoled and tried everything in my happy-me arsenal to convince her to come with us. A sunny summer day, a warm gentle river to float on, good friends, lots of laughs – what was the problem? She wouldn't say. She just said no. Finally, one of my other workmates said, "leave her alone. She doesn't want to go."

I nearly died of humiliation. I had to turn my head to hide my tears. I was so incredibly hurt and embarrassed.

I didn't want to embarrass her. Or hurt her. Or anything bad. I just wanted her to share in our happiness. 

I thought we were friends enough for her to say, "I don't want to go because ... blah, blah, blah," but she wouldn't say why. Just "no."

To this day, it's all very mysterious.

Of course I should have taken no for an answer. That much is very plain. 

If someone says no, you have to respect that.

It's pretty obvious in this situation: a woman says no to sexual advances; a man ignores her and a rape is committed.

I tell my boys all the time, it's ok to roughhouse and fool around but if one of you says stop, the other one has to stop.

So what's my problem? Why don't I know when enough is enough?

I'm pretty sure I have manic tendencies. Not full-blown manic depression, where the person's moods shift abruptly from remarkable highs to bottom-of-the-barrel lows, but tendencies. It's when I got caught up in a project, or anything I feel happy and strong about, that the cheerleader in me takes over and starts annoying people with her flailing pom-poms.

I feel in my heart of hearts that my pom-poms have been out of control lately.

If I have dinged you with one, I apologize.