Monday, January 24, 2011

Guilt, Love, Pain, The Whole Dang Thing


Every day I wrestle with guilt.
No matter how many times people say, "It's not your fault, you didn't choose this," it doesn't matter. I don't have my children 24/7. I only see them every other weekend. You can't imagine what this does to a person's heart, not unless you've been there/done that.
Yes, there are a few pluses. Like, the house is quiet and stress-free most of the time. I don't have to yell at anyone to pick up their socks or brush their teeth.
Still, there are moments when I am inconsolable.
We had the boys on the weekend and it was fabulous. I love seeing them. Sometimes I can't believe they're my children – I touch them constantly, their soft faces, to reassure myself they're real. Such good boys, too. I'm so lucky.
When it was hometime and we had loaded them up into their father's car, I told my ex how much I missed them.
He told me this, and my broken heart shattered: "The boys were camped out with me one night and Sam was talking in his sleep. This is what he said - 'I love you, mommy.'"
That a small boy dreams of his absent mother ... too much to bear.

9 comments:

  1. That is indeed too much to bear.

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  2. I can relate with my two boys as well.

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  3. Oh Cathy, this broke my heart. Still, how lucky you are to have a Sam that dreams about his mama. And how lucky they are to have you to miss them.

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  4. Oh sweetie, how beautiful and poignant, you are amazing and I so admire you for being such a good mom and wonderful person all around, you are so full of compassion and tenderness, you can't fake that, and your boys know how much you love them, can't fake that either, of course they love you!

    I love you too and I'm thinking I probably love Dave too, cause he's so loving and good to and for you.
    XOXO

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  5. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) peace...

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  6. Wow. I wonder if your ex realized how that would affect you.

    Of course you'd be devastated by this! I'm sorry you've had to feel this pain, sweetie.

    Small consolation, but realize that the squeeze of your heart is in direct correlation to how much you love them.

    I'm thinking your children adore you as well...

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  7. You're a good mom, and you give your children the most important thing a mom can give and that is unconditional love. More important than time or money or anything else, and you give that to them every day. This will mean more to them than you can imagine.

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