Thursday, January 20, 2011

Wednesday Night at Home in Front of the TV - #fridayflash

“If that guy’s lifeguard duties were as good as his singing, a lot of people would be drowning,” Simon said.
He stuck a mitt full of popcorn into his gob, smacked it noisily then wiped his greasy fingers on his V-necked sweater. Paula grabbed the clicker from the coffee table and turned up the volume on the TV so she wouldn’t hear the noises he was making. She wondered what fans’ reaction would be to his appalling eating habits and she thought about all the times she was asked about him. “There is love there,” she would say. “And then there’s times when I can’t even stomach him.”
This was one of those times.
“All you can do is the best you can do,” she said aloud.
“It’s like Randy went deaf this year,” he said. “I don’t know what happened.”
Paula shrugged her bony shoulders and plucked one small kernel of popcorn from the bowl. She ate half and held her abdomen like she was full.
“Constructive criticism is about finding something good and positive to soften the blow to the real critique of what really went on,” she said.
He looked at her like she was daft. “I find you patronizing. It’s as simple as that. You were more damaging than I was to these contestants because a lot of people just shouldn’t be singing for a living.”
She made a face at him. “Can you imagine yourself as a kid? Your imaginary friends probably never wanted to play with you.”
He leered, just loving it whenever she got her dander up. “You are a saucy little thing aren’t you?”
She nodded and smiled at him, a tiny piece of kernel stuck between her impossibly white teeth. “I just hope that J-Lo and Steve have as much fun as I did being able to be in the presence of budding and raw talent. They’re seasoned veterans. They know what they’re doing.”
He was about to say something when a well-proportioned young woman on the TV took off her jacket, revealing a bikini top decorated with two large silver stars.
That’s when Steven Tyler exclaimed “What’s with the jujubees on your oohoohbees?”
“Seasoned veterans, eh?” Simon said.
Paula changed the channel to PBS.

*Based on actual quotes, stuck together all weird. Just because. 


  1. I recognized many of the quotes from past seasons. This was so funny - I could picture them together. I think you had the voices down. Love the new hosts by the way but then I'm a long time Steven Tyler fan. Great story.

  2. Nice juxtaposition.
    And yeah, I saw the 'stars' girl and Steve's reaction. I'm a big fan of that New Englander (Steve); he grew up in my neck of the woods.

  3. Hehehe. The thing I love most? Paula eating half a popcorn kernel. And then getting part of it stuck in her teeth. I know, I'm evil.

    Oh, and that Simon is actually a slobbish pig. :)

    Love your mash-up, Cathy. Well done.

  4. I'm guessing American Idol started up again.

    I have a feeling that the only way it wouldn't be too painful for me to watch is with you, Cathy. Lot of music-themed stories this week, it will seem...

  5. Hahaha! Funny premise and I liked the popcorny bit too. I'm one of those people that only watches Idol in the beginning to see the really bad performers get Simonized. I like Aerosmith but I'm not really a fan of this kinder gentler American Idol. For the record, I never thought we needed to go looking for more pop stars. Popcorn on a Wednesday night though...:)

  6. Can't stand Simon. This is a wonderful imagining of the two. Great mash-up.
    Adam B @revhappiness

  7. Fun! The photo is a great visual for your story. I can picture Simon and Paula looking just like that...

  8. Bahahaha! Cathy, I hate American Idol, any realty show for that matter, but you have made it fun! I especially like Paula getting full on half a piece of popcorn. Heehee

  9. You guys are too nice but I'm seriously hating this story. The minute I posted it I was like, oh god, this story SUCKS... You know it's a bad one when it's a struggle to write, when you honestly can't find anything to laugh about. Lordy. I shoulda just stuck with the voice in my head that said "PASS this week!"

  10. I like your story, Cathy. I hate shows like AI [so it took me a bit to catch on]. The story is cute though. Finally something entertaining comes out of the series!

  11. I'm proud to say I've never seen that show but now I feel like I know all the high points of their dialogue. ;)

  12. Clever, now erase tomorrow's self judgments!

  13. Verrrrrry funny! Now I know how Paula keeps her weight down. Seems you've struck a nerve, a line dividing AI and other reality show lovers from the haters. I love them. Nothing smacks of office politics, dreams, desires, and damnation than AI, SURVIVOR, and ANM. Peace...

  14. Super fun read ... As always.

    pssst ... not a fan of the new crew.

  15. It's a cool idea to stick something together with mostly quotes. I'm gonna have to try that. Those 2 kind of made me sick, for different reasons. Glad to see them gone.

    Your flash is also a good way to reveal (in the comments) the divide between those who hate these kind of shows and those who love them. I find that fascinating. I think if you want to learn real quick what America is really all about, just watch AI. For that reason alone it's a great show.

  16. Don't hate it Cathy, because it made me smile. Just the idea that the two of them would be stuck at home watching the newbies take over is funny on its own.


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