Where did my mojo go?
Have you seen it?
I'm half-afraid I ate the fecking thing. I've been eating everything else in sight these days, why not the lollipop train that's been chugging stupidly along the losing-weight-writing-a-novel happy track?
Picture a zombie. Mindlessly trudging along, a song in its putrefecating pustule that once was a heart, locomoting one asphalt-sucking galosh at a time until it finds some cardio-challenged fattie it can chow down on. Right? Get it? That was me, the zombie. Finishing NaNo was finding the fattie. I chowed down and now I'm at a total fecking loss at what to do next. I feel like I'm adrift in a sea of goal-lessness.
Yesterday was bad. I woke up feeling like a bear with a sore ass and I went to bed feeling like an ass with a sore bear. I had no reason for it, but there it was.
Losing 50 pounds was also like finding the fattie. Tonight I went to Weight Watchers and I am not proud to announce I gained four pounds. In one week! Feck! I came home and bawled.
Oh, I KNEW I was going to gain weight this week. I'm not making up stupid excuses – I just ate too fecking much. I ate out four times (once at the dreaded all-you-can-eat Mandarin buffet, henceforth to be known as the Mandarin Factor); I ate a wedge of chocolate birthday cake, not a piece, a wedge – it was so big you could jack up your house with it. Worse, I suddenly remembered why I was going to Weight Watchers in the first place: I LOVE TO EAT. Even now, right now, I am craving something sweet. Like Mr. Christie's Fudgeo cookies, the ones with Double Stuf (wishing there was Triple Stuf), or homemade oatmeal candy. Or my mom's shortbread cookies, the ones with the sprinkles on top. I have a Santa bowl on my kitchen table and all I can think about is how good it would look with ju-jubes in it. The really fresh kind. The ones coated in sugar. I saw someone eat a bran muffin today and I wanted to take it from him, forcefully, and stuff it into my own great gaping maw.I'm on dangerous ground here. I know, I've been here before. I am at a crossroads of getting back on the zombie track or jumping the rails and saying "feck it" and gaining every single pound I lost and then some. You skinnies are going, "why in hell would she gain 50 pounds back?" But you fatties and former fatties, you know what I'm saying – it's a mad desperation that can grab us by the balls and send us howling back to the great buffet of life as easy and as fast as a wink of the puffy eye.
I need to find my way again. I need to find that light switch in my head that's currently switched to OFF and turn it ON again.
If I don't, there are bad times ahead and Christmastime is no time for bad times.
Okay....#1 you are human, you slipped, get back on track...#2 you need a goal, what the hell woman, it's christmas you should have enough to do for four women #3 want a project? blog daily about your christmas memories #4....everyone deserves a treat once in a while, don't beat yourself up over it....okay.....switching ON and GO...
ReplyDeleteI need to beat myself just a little bit longer.. no, Delores, you're right, I don't. And you're right about needing a goal, too. Christmas memories.. that is such a good idea. Unfortunately they mostly revolve around food... LOL... but I do believe there are a few non-confectionary type events that may qualify for the experiment. Thanks for the idea! I may just use it.
ReplyDeleteHmm.. seriously, I might.
(How come you're so damned smart?)
By the way, Delores, got any shortbreads in your purse?
ReplyDeleteYou know 4 pounds is probably mostly water because of the salt in the cake. I think if you jump back on your plan it will all come off. But give yourself a break. It's the holidays. Nobody can diet all the time.
ReplyDeleteYes, GP, I do believe you're right. And not just from the cake – the Mandarin Factor is all about salt. You might as well lick a salt lick. My rings have been tight ever since. (Lick a salt lick - now there's some fine literature)
ReplyDeletehey, 4 pounds is ok. but... get back in the wagon. i bet when you ate the buffet it didn't feel good afterwards. remember that overfull feeling, the grease coating your tongue, all the water you drank afterwards... and get back to your veggies. those 4 pounds will melt away el pronto.
ReplyDeletethink... meringues. yum. so easy to make and you can inhale a handful for 1-2 points. hang tuff. peace...
Don't let the holidays be an excuse for getting off track. You will regret it. I know I am. Allow yourself the odd treat but mostly stick to the plan.
ReplyDeleteStart pounding the water in to get rid of the excess salts and sugars and you will feel so much better. Don't forget to forgive yourself - that is the hardest part but the one thing you need to do to get back on track.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it!
It takes more than one week to qualify as off the tracks, miss thing. You are going to be fine and all of your hard work is going to pay off, and I have faith in you.
ReplyDelete"Mindlessly trudging along, a song in its putrefecating pustule that once was a heart, locomoting one asphalt-sucking galosh at a time until it finds some cardio-challenged fattie it can chow down on." < You funny!
ReplyDeleteA litle indulgence after a big accomplishment is never wrong. You've accomplished quite alot lately, focus on that. Four pounds aint diddly. Chop an extra stack of wood and stop giving yourself a guilt trip about it. :)
I hate to admit it, but you made me laugh. Even in the midst of your four pound crisis, you have such a whimsical way with words. I would not worry about the weight, and holy crow, keeping on track takes monster determination this time of year. I think you're a rock star.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you're a rock star. You'll soon recover your mojo and find a sustainable pace, as opposed to the super Nano pace that drained you (and resulted in many, many words added and pounds lost). I can't wait to hear the next installment of your novel Thursday night - and I bet sharing it will help with the motivation! :)
ReplyDeleteOK, I could say, 'Eat a balanced diet of foods, and eat your fill, but not to excess, and go ahead and have a small piece of cake', but you already know that. Science has shown that the kind of sweet foods you mentioned are literally addictive, so eating them regularly is like being addicted to a drug.
ReplyDeleteI do know something about working on big projects. Not saying I've accomplished big things, but I have tackled projects. And it happens all too often: when you get to the end of it, you crash. It can be nasty. The first few times it happened to me I was confused. After all, I finished something, why should I feel so bad? But it has something to do with all that momentum, all that energy, all that focus. Now it's done and............? This is a natural part of the process. You'll feel better again and you'll be very proud of what you did. You should be proud right now of writing things like
"Picture a zombie. Mindlessly trudging along, a song in its putrefecating pustule that once was a heart, locomoting one asphalt-sucking galosh at a time until it finds some cardio-challenged fattie it can chow down on. Right? Get it? That was me, the zombie. Finishing NaNo was finding the fattie. I chowed down and now I'm at a total fecking loss at what to do next. I feel like I'm adrift in a sea of goal-lessness.
Yesterday was bad. I woke up feeling like a bear with a sore ass and I went to bed feeling like an ass with a sore bear. I had no reason for it, but there it was."
To me this is the writing of a well-conditioned writer. You're like a boxer. You may not be feeling good right now, but you're in great shape.
You guys all leave the best comments.
ReplyDelete(Seeing myself as a boxer now, Rocky theme brewing in my noggin)
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