Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Slapping chipper and nineteen-sixty

"You've lost three pounds. That's great!" said the lady at Weight Watchers who weighed me. All bright and chipper-like.

I had a sudden urge to slap that silly chipper sideways.

I am such an idiot. I really, really thought I was going to lose five. So instead of being thrilled that I lost three pounds in one week I was grumpy. It's a wonder Dave doesn't kick me straight in my wide white arse. Instead, he sent me to bed like an overtired child who doesn't know they're overtired.

This morning I am back to my normal self – whatever that means.

***
And in the category of people say the darndest things ....

Last night I sat beside this cute little old lady at the Weight Watchers meeting. She was new and confused about how the program works. I explained a few things, suggested she talk to the leader (Diane) and gave her my best "be positive - you can do it" speech.

My Weight Watchers key chain had broke (you get it for losing 10% of your body weight) so at the end of the meeting I asked Diane for a new one – apparently they're insured for life so if you break one, they'll replace it! Awesome! So as I was replacing my charms on the key ring, the little old lady beside me asked what they were for.

"This one is for attending 16 meetings," I said.

"That's nice," she replied.

"This one is for losing 25 pounds."

She nodded, smiling.

"And this one is for losing 50 pounds."

She got a funny expression on her face. I waited for her to say, "Wow! That is fabulous! Congratulations!"

Instead she said, "So you were quite large, then."

Bitch.

***

I was stalking other bloggers this morning and came across a 49-year-old named Librarygirl in Melbourne, Australia, who says she is fixated on seeing what other 49-year-olds look like and so posted a scintillating array of photos featuring celebrities when they were her age.

Suddenly I had to find out what other people my age – born in 1960 – look like:

Sean Penn. Does he get better looking as he gets older, or what?
Wait, I'm gonna make him bigger. Just because he makes me all swooney.

Tildan Swinton. I know, you're having trouble placing her. She won an Oscar
for Best Actress in 2008 for her role in Michael Clayton.

Jennifer Grey. Remember Dirty Dancing? Yah, she had the Time of her Life then.
She looks great though. Real. Like, if she lived on your street she'd be the hottest
thing in the neighbourhood, right?

Bono. 

Julianne Moore. I just saw her on Anderson Cooper's show
and I was smitten with her. Her favourite animal is the BEAVER,
which is one of MY favourite animals. And we're the same
AGE. So really, we're like total sameys. See the resemblance?
I'm making her bigger, too, because we're so much the same.

Kristin Scott-Thomas and some guy. She's most famous for her
role in The English Patient. My reading glasses from the grocery store look
just like Kristin's. I'm sure that's where she got hers.

Stanley Tucci. This guy is great in everything.
One of my favourites is Big Night, in which he
plays a co-owner of a failing restaurant trying
hard to save the business. They make timpano,
one of the most incredible and complicated
Italian foods ever. I made it once. It was DELISH.

Daryl Hannah, having a bad day.
I'll always think of Daryl as the mermaid in Splash.

Kenneth Branagh. Saw him a short time ago
in My Week With Marilyn. He was, as usual, amazing.

Meg Tilly. She was the best thing about
The Big Chill. And doesn't she look cute?
She reminds me of my cousin Kelly in
this photo.

Valerie Bertinelli. How can she possibly lose all
that weight and still have boobs?
They're the first things to go! As soon as your
body hears the word 'diet,' it's boob-overboard!

35 comments:

  1. Great post!
    Don't you just hate when people phrase insensitively? I hate it more when I do it - because it's usually not how I mean it but that's what happens when you open your mouth to change feet.

    I found your celebrity pictures a little depressing - I'm a few years older than you and don't think I look too bad but certainly not as good as the celebs. Money helps even those who don't do the surgery. And good makeup artists/photoshoppers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is kind of depressing but Jeannie I'm glad to see they have neck wattles and eye wrinkles just like me! And honestly, I don't feel so bad in comparison!

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  2. I like Tilda Swinton in "Orlando". I'm sure Valerie bought her boobs. I use to have the Big Night Cookbook ... I'd lend it to you but I think my Ex took it (even though she allegedly once gave it to me as a gift ... Hose Bag! (I was going to say Indian Giver but that would be politically incorrect).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hose bag! HAR! Like that's so much more politically correct!!!!!! You kill me!!!!!

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  3. You can't compare how you look with a star....they have so much at their disposal..personal trainers, cosmeticians, surgeons....you just can't compare.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, but Delores - if we're this good as we are, imagine if we had all that support staff? We would be GODDESSES.

      Delete
    2. Oh yah.. you're right! We're totally goddesses already!
      :)

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  4. Take away all the plastique, and you look better than them! And congrats on 3 pounds -- super!!!!! And you can slip that woman who is sensitivity-impaired a fat pill. Peace...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooooh, a fat pill! You're, like, a pharmacology expert - can you get me one? Or three? There's a few people who I'd like to introduce them to! *cue evil laugh*

      Delete
  5. Congrats on the three. Just keep plugging. Like you need a lecture from an old lady, but now's the time. When I was 68 I gained 30 pounds in three months because my dr. couldn't figure out my thyroid had krapped out until was reduced to screaming. It took me TWO years to lose it. If I gain a pound I'm screaming at her now. I mean, I'm the one who has to carry it up stairs. Best wishes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Joanne, congrats on the screaming, the plugging AND the dieting. Sixty-eight pounds is TREMENDOUS! Best wishes to you, too!

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  6. I'd give you a big congratulations and 'you can do it,' but I don't want to get smacked.
    Might've smacked the second lady though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You would have totally smacked that woman. She looked all innocent - like your favourite grandma _ but she was pure EEEEEEVVVVVVILLLLLLLL. I swear her humbugs are laced with heroin.

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  7. Well, first of all, congrats on losing all that weight! Even the three pounds. I need to lose weight...bad!

    I want those boobs at 49. Although, I'm probably gonna have to get them the same way she did--buy them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sell some more books, Clarissa! Think of it this way - words for boobs. Sounds fair, right?

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  8. Ha ha ha! I must say, talking about Weight Watchers and finishing off with Valerie's boob-overload was comedy gold! XD

    And don't feel too bad that your expectations weren't met this time. Heck, I'd KILL for my body to be able to shed three pounds a week instead of the measly .05 ounces it so desires to lose. --.--

    -Barb the French Bean

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lose more weight, Barb, and you could be a String Bean.
      (HAR! Laughing at my own stupid jokes again!)
      Thanks for popping by - I checked out your blog just now and loved it!

      Delete
  9. Any weight loss should be celebrated! I start doing my happy dance if the scale doesn't go up, so three pounds down is awesome. And screw that Wicked Witch of Weight Watchers straight to hell. People who have nothing nice to say, well, you know, should shut the bleep up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall henceforth think of her as WWOWW! Thanks!

      Delete
  10. I just had to laugh at those cup-half-full/cup-half-empty moments. Isn't perspective wonderful?

    P.S. I was born in 1960 too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't 1960 the BEST year? Being born on a 0-number, you always know how old you are. My son was born in 2000 and he'll never have to think about how old he is, even when he's old like us!

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  11. Now I know Tilda Swinton from Orlando. Yup, I go way back, and far as I can tell, it's pretty much been all downhill from there. Did you see "I Am Love"? Started off great, one of those fabulous (excuse me) fancy dinner table scenes, but ends up with her obsessing tiresomely over some young whatsits. The worst part was the score--by a really great composer, John Adams. What was he thinking? There's this one scene that, all flowery, suggesting a little dirty dancing going on, that reminded me of a really bad remake of Elvira Madigan. Know that one? In love couple starving and throwing up among the flower fields . . . So, you know what, we don't need to envy these people. They need to envy us with our ordinary little lives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, I think I saw Orlando. I'm pretty sure I did - but the thing about being born in 1960 is you can't remember SQUAT. I am pretty sure I haven't seen I Am Love but based on your recommendation, I shall look it up.

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  12. That old WW bitty won't last. She's too nasty. Tilda Swinton was fab in Constantine. Valerie Bertinelli's had everything rearranged, I'm sure (I would too, if I had those bucks!). And you're all younger than me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No! You're not older, are you? I totally had you pegged for 20-something. SERIOUSLY.

      Delete
    2. Oh yes, I'm older. But I LOVE that you thought I was a youngun! :D

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  13. I'm here via John Gray's blog. What a cheerful and uplifting post, and all those thoughts about what it looks like for some to be fifty. It's all relative.

    You've lost fifty kilos, a kilo for each year. That's brilliant, but soon I suppose you'll have to stop losing or you'll lose too much. The loss will outweigh your years.

    I'm pleased to meet you, all the way from Melbourne, Australia.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I'm so pleased to meet you, Elisabeth! Don't you love John's blog? His posts either make me laugh or make me cry - and they always make me think. Thanks for the follow - I shall be along to check you out, all the way over there in Melbourne!

      Delete
  14. Oh how fun to find other people your age. I might have to copy this! I love Kenneth...and Julianne. Great post, so glad I came across your blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thanks, Jennee! And thanks for the follow! Will def. be checking out yours. And copy away! :)

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  15. I have a similar knee jerk reaction to chippies. ::)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're not talking about French Fries now, are ya? Cause I definitely have a knee jerk reaction to those!!!

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  16. Hmm, my Mommeh can't relate to this because she is much, much younger. She was born in 1961. Oh, and she is thrilled because her new camera has a "beauty" setting on it that kind of blurs over all the wrinkles on her face...

    ps: I might get in a little bit of trouble for revealing her age. Don't tell!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Daisy, your mom is SO YOUNG!
      (All the grooviest ladies were born in the '60s, baby)

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