Friday, March 9, 2012

Stupid Dog



































I am ruled by my stupid dog.

This morning I got out of bed and there was Misty, spinning around like a malformed water bug. I looked down at her with disdain.

"You've already been outside," I said. Only one of my eyeballs were open. The other was crusted shut. My bladder was fully loaded and bumped up to the loading dock ready to hand-bombed into the great white porcelain bus.

The dog ran to the front door and spun there. If she could talk she would be saying

"gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now 
or I'm gonna pee on the floor, on the floor, right now" 

and it would be in a high-squeaky voice, not unlike American Idol's latest long-haired Bob Marley wannabe Deandre Brackensick. (Brackensick? Are you kidding me?)

Brackensick

I sighed. Heavily. "Really?" I asked.

The dog spun and looked sincere.

"Fine," I grumbled, "but you better get out there and go pee."

I waddled to the door, barely unable to see through my gummy eyelids, and opened the door for Her Royal Pain in the Ass.

"Go pee," I said, because the dog weighs seven pounds soaking wet and her brain is the size of a fava bean and you actually have to tell her to "go pee" or she'll just stand there like a dumb turd and stare at you.

I stood by the door, shifting my weight from one foot to the other, having to pee so bad my back teeth were ordering lifeboats. The dog stood on the front deck and looked at me, not a brain in her ever loving head. The fava bean had left the building.

"Git!" I hollered. "Go pee!"

She gave me a look that said I was torturing her and hopped down the porch steps and sniffed the closest snowbank. After 10 seconds of sniffing, she turned to see if I was still looking, then sniffed for a bit more. That done, she got a happy "I'm done!" look on her face and scampered up to the front door, wanting to be let in.

I was furious. "Get down there and go pee RIGHT NOW."

She got that hurt look on her face, like I was the world's meanest owner, and slunk back down to the snowbank. She didn't even sniff, just stared at me mournfully.

"GO PEE." I ordered, feeling like the evil dictator of a smallish country.

She took a few steps, sniffed half-heartedly at a pine cone and turned a baleful gaze back to me.

"oh please don't torture me anymore missus, i promise to be a good doggie, 
look how cute i am, why you be mean to cute doggie like me?"


Misty is such a creature of habit.

Someone gets out of bed, she has to go to the front door.

Someone shifts their position on the couch, she has to go to the front door.

Someone coughs, sneezes, farts, burps or breathes, she has to go to the front door.

It doesn't matter if she was outside two minutes earlier; if any of these things happen, she has to go outside.

Dave says it's my fault. "Why do you let her run you? She's a dog!"

True. You can't refute logic like that. (Whatever that means – she's a dog? That's supposed to make everything clear? Dave's theory of relativity – she's a dog.) But I am bound to the "what if" of the situation. What if she really has to have a crap? And what if she craps on the floor because I didn't let her out? Who would have to clean that crap up? Me, that's who.

Anyway, feck her. She wanted out so badly, she can stay there. Forever. Who cares if she freezes like a pupsicle? Who cares if she gets eaten by a bear? Bah. Stupid dog.

***

She's still at the front door. Staring at me. Big puppy dog eyes looking like she's the saddest dog of all the saddest dogs. Queen Sad Dog. Staring. I feel like I should let her in, like she has been punished enough.

Or I could make like she's a football and field goal her into the Muskoka River. *cue evil laugh*

36 comments:

  1. I'm not a dog person, but I sure admire a smart one. Unlike the one who lives here now.

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    1. The great thing about Misty is she's really too small to be an actual dog. More like a pet squirrel.

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  2. She sounds like a little sweetie. I vote for the field goal.

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  3. Scene: At home with the mutts, Pooter and Peanut.
    Peanut: I need to go outside.
    Me: Okay. Pooter, do you want to go outside too?
    Pooter: No, I like it in here.
    I let Peanut outside.
    Five minutes later...
    Peanut: I'm ready to come in now.
    I bring Peanut in the house.
    Five minutes later...
    Pooter: I need to go outside.
    Me: Seriously? Now you do, but not ten minutes ago? Come on then.
    Peanut: Oh, I'll go out again too!
    I let Peanut and Pooter outside.
    Five minutes later...
    Pooter: I'm ready to come in now.
    Me: Okay. Peanut, are you ready to come in too?
    Peanut: No, I like it out here.
    Me: Okay.
    I bring Pooter in the house.
    Five minutes later...
    Peanut: I'm ready to come in now.
    I bring Peanut in the house.

    I swear they do this just to drive me crazy!

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    Replies
    1. Tim, I read your comment quickly at work yesterday and so I couldn't comment back but I have to tell you I literally laughed out loud! Hilarious!!!

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  4. But stupitity is what makes doggies so sweeeet. For the record, I have to tell Ginger to go pee too, even when she was scratching at the door to go outside. I think they do that to make us feel important, like it was our idea. "Oh, go pee? Good idea boss."

    Ginger also scratches at the inside door, and when I open that she scratches at the storm door. Like I don't know what she wants and I'm going to open just one door.

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    1. I laughed out loud at yours too, Laurita. Can totally picture the dog saying "Good idea boss!"

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  5. And here I thought only cats indulged in such bad behavior! Yes, I know, cats don't need to be let out to pee--usually--but just substitute anything for "front door," and you have described one of our two cats to a tee (t, I said, t).

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    1. Oh, don't I know about cats ... we have two that are just as annoying as Misty. Three spoiled rotten animals in a very small house. A friend of mine calls them our "livestock," which makes me laugh.

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  6. Dogs DO rule the house. When I moved to Boston, my parents' dog Wasy took over my place at the kitchen table. Whenever I came for a visit, I had to get a chair from the dining room. Humpphhh. This is why we own a cat.

    So happy to see CITY OF THIEVES on the sidebar. And so happy you are currently loving ;^) Peace...

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    Replies
    1. Linda, seriously, I LOVED that book and have been telling everybody to read it, the girls in my writing group and the folks at work. The only problem with City of Thieves was it wasn't long enough.

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  7. It is no different with cats. The furs run this house with an iron fist in a velvet paw (full of needles). They are particularly skilled at making their demands when one is asleep, on the phone, on the toilet or in fact involved in anything not related to their needs/wants. If they had opposable thumbs I suspect I would be the one begging to come out/in.

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    Replies
    1. HAR! Maybe they'd be nice enough to get you a human box!

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  8. She is quite the cutie, but you may want to leave her in the bathtub, just in case! Hopefully, she'll outgrown her rebellious stage. Julie

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    1. I can only hope, Julie, but she's already six so I dunno if there's much chance. By the way, love the bathtub idea!

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  9. Ha ha sounds like she's got you wrapped around her little paw - just like my cats have me! ^___^

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  10. She is an adorable dog. Dogs are are so funny!

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    1. Cute's the only reason she's not a football!

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  11. It is too bad dogs can't go potty in a big box filled with litter. Dogs might not be as smart as cats.

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  12. What a great companion, and a very funny post! And Daisy's right- cats ARE smarter!!

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    1. Thanks Orbit! Yup, cats rule and dogs drool.

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  13. How could you punt an adorable dog like that?

    She may be annooying, but she's so cute she can get away with it. I love the little floatation vest. Jet could use that with all of the rain and snow melt the past few days. Where's my canoe...? (just joking, I wouldn't know what to do with one of those)

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    1. Cause it's fun! You should definitely try it - especially good leg exercise with a Jet-size pooch! ;P

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  14. Your last post is missing in action but from what I could see on my reading list it looks like you had a bit of an emergency at work today..... sincerely hope your boss is okay.....am thinking of you and all your coworkers tonight.

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    1. Echoing mybabyjohn/Delores: Such a worrying time for you all.

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    2. I'm sorry guys - I had written something and then decided not to post it. Thanks so much for your concern. (Hugs!)

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  15. My sister's cat lives with us despite my catastrophic allergies. If he so much as hears you downstairs, he will whine for hours to go outside, even if he doesn't actually want to go out there. Pets. What a loathsome idea.

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    1. You are such a dear curmudgeon, John! It's why we love ya!

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  16. Yep, I've been ruled by the dog for eighteen years. Hubby's been ruled by the dog, but I've never had so much fun laughing at another owner. Love the post Cathy.

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