Monday, January 28, 2013

Allow me to Re-introduce myself ...


Hi! My name is Cathy Olliffe-Webster and I have two last names because I'm a Libra and couldn't make a decision. I'm a fat, middle-aged, screwed up woman who has big dreams but is mired in mediocrity and laziness. I have very little hair on my head but my legs look like they belong on a goat. Despite this I am a sex goddess who managed to snag a hunka burning lust who is eight years younger than me as Husband #2, after Husband #1 disgarded me in favour of a skinny-assed cashier who knew enough to have hair in the politically correct portions of one's anatomy. My youngest son still loves me but I am worried that since he is teetering on the abyss of teenagehood that he will soon abandon me, as his older brother has already done, in favour of hormonally induced necking, pizza-sized hickeys and pierced ear holes big enough for Volkswagens to drive through. I am good at my job, although I used to be great – time and technology are starting to pass me by and I am now one of those office dinosaurs: too young to retire but too old and useless to compete with fecking 12-year-olds who invaded the building like fecking tech-savvy roaches when I wasn't looking. I USED TO BE ONE OF THOSE ROACHES... now I'm the old fart. How the feck did that happen????? Oh, and I say feck a lot.

That's me! Who the feck are you?

If you'd like to reintroduce yourself to the world you can sign up for today's Re-Introduce Myself Blogfest, hosted by Stephen Tremp and his cohorts. Sign up, make the rounds, and make sure you pick up one of those name tags to stick on your boob. (Not that boob, the one on your chest. Geez...)

112 comments:

  1. Lost it when I hit the part about goat legs! You are too much, Cathy.
    And I do NOT have man-boobs.

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  2. My legs resemble a goat's too - a very fat goat

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    1. ME TOO! I forgot to say FAT GOAT!!! My legs are freakishly fat. Actually, I always say I have Equal Opportunity Fat that goes everywhere (except my boobs.... sigh...)

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  3. I never knew that "happiest when wet" hunka burning lust was 8 years younger than you, cougar woman. :)

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    1. Muahahahaha! Yep, cougar, that's me!!! I wasn't lying when I said I was a SEX GODDESS.

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  4. Great to meet you. I love your fecking blog! You crack me up. I have one of those teenagers myself and they are certainly entertaining. Nice to meet you, too :)

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  5. Hey (waves),I have a double barreled name too,and short hair,bandy legs and a nose that blocks out the sun.
    Jane x

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    1. One of my favourite bits in the movie Independence Day is when sexy Will Smith does the chicken noise referring to his girlfriend's legs... lucky you having legs that Willy would "buck-bucka" over!

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  6. Hi, Cathy,
    You forgot to say that you're also funny. I have a double-barrel of a name too, but mine came by accident. Don't ask!

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    1. Ok, JL, but you totally know I WANT to ask now!!!!

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  7. Don't you hate it when your kids think they know more then you? Mine abadoned me one by one, that why I guess I kept having more, to remind myself someone cares about me! That 14 year old stage. where I become brain dead to them. yea and I thought they were cute at one time.
    Love your blog.

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    1. Awww, thanks!

      As much as teenagers are a pain in the butt, it's GREAT to hear that other parents hate the 14 year old stage, too. It reminds me that it's a universal thing, not just that my teenager hates me. It's good not to take it personally. Thanks!

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  8. I think I will join in as well...sounds like fun....how come you didn't mention farts lol?

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    1. Oh man, I forgot the farts!!!! *face palm*
      See Delores? I need you around to remind me about the important things!!

      Yes! Get a name tag! Join the festivities! See ya round!

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  9. I've only got a single last name. I'd never hypenate because I'm too lazy to have to sign stuff with it, or fill out forms. No thanks. :)

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    1. Honestly, Suzi? That's one thing I didn't consider - how long it takes to sign stuff. We're currently going through a Health and Safety blitz at work and it seems like every day I have to sign something and it literally takes me a WEEK to sign everything while the rest of the office waits in line behind me!

      When I remarried in 2010 I agonized over what to do about my name. Finally I decided to hyphenate it to include my children's names, AND because my husband's ex-wife is also named Cathy so I didn't want there to be TWO Cathy Websters in such close proximity. Too weird, right?

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  10. You had me at hi- You are the best Cathy! Honestly one of my favorite bloggers of all time. Goat hair and all. LOL

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  11. Loved your blog. Used to have a hyphen, abandoned it when I abandoned that hubby. Kept this one for 40 years so I think I am older and fatter than you, but legs aren't too hairy. Gather you live somewhat north of me.

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    1. Where are ya, Jo? I'm in Bracebridge... so unless you're in Sudbury or Timmins, I've probably got ya beat!!!!

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  12. Cathy, I laughed so hard I peed my pants--and then farted, just for good measure. I've often pondered why people continue to bless a sneezer but farting--which really does deserve a good blessing, goes unnoticed. Feel free to let one rip over at my blog-- "I had a little nut-tree", which I consistently write as "I had a little nit-tree". Indeed.
    ~Just Jill

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    1. HA! I love it when people laugh and pee and fart! Thank gawd for pantiliners!!!!!!!!!

      A little nit-tree? I am so checking you out. Thanks for the follow!

      Delete
  13. Well, feck, Cathy, I'm about to pee my pants! You're hilarious! And I think husband #1 must of been eating mushrooms because I know that skinny-reared cashier doesn't have anything on you! I'm adding you to my blog list, so I can visit you on days when I'm short on entertainment! :)

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    1. HA!!!! He was totally eating mushrooms - the mid-life crazy kind of mushrooms, I'm sure!

      Thanks for the follow, Celeste! Looking forward to more from you, too!

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  14. OMG ... you are so funny! It is so nice to see you again, Cathy. Thanks so much for stopping by to say hi.

    Kathy M.

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  15. Holy feck, Cathy, it looks like you just described my life, with the exception of my Husband #2 is 10 years younger! Damn, we must be cougar twins!

    Love your blog... and you ALWAYS make me laugh! :D

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    1. TEN years younger????? Holy FECK! You really rock, Lori! *bows to the master*

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  16. Ha ha! Nice to re-meet you! I love being an old fart... it means you don't have to do stuff because you can pretend you don't know how. Kettle? Sorry. Don't know how to use one of those new fangled electrical things without melting it on the stove. But yes I'd love a cuppa if you're making one. ;-)

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    1. You are NOT an old fart, Ermie. An old fart wannabe, maybe.... so if I come to visit it'll have to be you that puts on the kettle... or we'll invite some 12-year-old to do it. Or we'll die of thirst...

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  17. Oh forget your teenager, I love you! What a great voice you have. How fun to introduce ourselves to someone new! Check us out at http://citymusecountrymuse2012.blogspot.com/ I must now follow you!

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    1. Aww shucks, thanks Juliet! I will DEF check you out!

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  18. Nice to re-meet you. You have humor on your side and that beats technology any day!

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    1. I try to tell jokes to my computer when it doesn't work, Jenn, but my mac has no sense of humour... It's all bytes with no bits.

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  19. Your a hoot ! I love how out there you are ! I am a tell it like it is blunt person as well and if no one likes it then move on lol ! I was raised on a farm , I am short , stocky , menopausal , half Brit half Canadian butchy tom boy type with long hair and don't give a dam about wearing makeup any more or whats in style just whats comfy to me ! On hubs #2 met on a dating site 7 years ago and keeping this one he is 3 years younger and is my soul mate and I his , we are best buds and he likes women with meat lol big butts and boobs so I am ok there lol The # 1 husband was an ass a power tripper mentally and verbally abusive jerk, after 20 years I got out thank god and feel I am a stronger person from it as well . I love animals , Harley Davidson bikes used to be a biker bitch but grew up a bit lol and now as I am getting older love the piece and quiet of my country village farm house, pets, nature and gardening and have been a Snap happy photography freak since the day of film ! I can be very unpredictable, spontaneous full of energy and lazy at times ! So that's me in a nut shell or out of my nut as I like to tell others lol ! Have a great day !

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    1. Biker bitch!!!! Gotta love THAT! We're actually thinking of getting a bigger bike this year. Dave is a Kawasaki fan so it'll likely be one of those - I don't care as long as the seat on back is big and comfy and form-fitted to my generous behind! You have a great day, too!

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  20. Haha, very nice to meet you Cathy and great intro! Glad things are going better in your second go round for marriage :)

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    1. It's not perfect, for sure, but it's pretty darn close!!! Thanks Mark! Nice to meetcha too!

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  21. P.S Laughter is the best medicine and love I to make people laugh as well and always use my life experiences and shortness or vertically challenged as I put it in my jokes ! It's not that I am short just everyone around me is tall haha !

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    1. It IS the best medicine! More people should laugh... they're so SERIOUS all the time, drives me nuts!

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  22. You totally crack me up. If I weren't already following you, this post would've turned me into your newest groupie.

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    1. *blushes* Thanks Susan!!!!! Feeling is likewise!

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  23. Thanks for all the love this morning! I'm afraid I look way too much like skinny-ass cashier for your liking :) We need to do the body meld thing you suggested. And if that doesn't work, well Aphrodite, you got the younger man and the hot sex!!

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  24. Hi there!

    I've been through the whole teenage angst thing and came out on the other side. 'Course, now there's the 3yo grandkid to raise. He hates his afternoon naps, but his attitude in the evenings is SO much better when he has one.

    Oh, and I like 'em chunky. Too bad we're both married & about 2000 miles apart. ;-)

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    1. Did you just say you "like 'em chunky?" SWOOOOOOON...... Oh, you sure know how to make a lady's chubby knees weak, Mr. Larry!!!

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  25. *giggles* Oh, you're too funny. That self mockery goes a long way to making life more bearable, eh? And the teens come back around. My oldest is 17 and strangely, no longer embarrassed by my existence.

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    1. 17? Oh, there's hope then! I was thinking they might not "return" until they were 25 or I was dead or whatever arrives first!!!

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  26. Feck is a new one to me :) I just lost my daughter to those silly teenage things. Nice to meet you!

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    1. My condolences on your daughter, Mizz T.

      I believe "feck" is a slightly more polite Irish version of that very very bad word, which I never say. OK, almost never. OK, well, not since noon anyway...

      Delete
  27. Um... I don't understand that other boob comment.
    And all that tech stuff is why I do something that doesn't require tech. That is until they do start using AI to write books. But, then, we'll all be screwed anyway.

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    1. The other boob! Y'know, the one standing next to ya!

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  28. Nice to re-meet you! I started hiccuping uncontrollably at the goat part and haven't stopped since. It's difficult to laugh and hiccup but I think I'm beginning to master it. ;)

    <3

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    1. Nice to meet you too, Mia! For some reason your comment has me wondering if goats hiccup... d'ya think? Or are they too busy trying to figure out how to shave their cloven feet?

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  29. A long time ago, Cathy, I sold comfortable hand woven clothing at art fairs almost every weekend. Customers loved me because I always had their size, and the label I sewed in was S. Anyway, I wore my own shirts, of course, but I always wore Dockers because I have ugly legs. Like tree trunks. Standing watching people go by I realized my fifty year old legs were no more ugly than any other fifty year old legs going past. I wore shorts all summer long after that epiphany. It is what it is. You are who you are. Someday you'll say that and after I'm done with my dead faint I will be cheering, Woo-hoo. Cathy rocks. PS-your kids love you. It's like wearing Dockers for fifteen years. On the other hand, it's fun to hear you complain.

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    1. Tree trunk legs!!!! Are we related???

      As you know I love to complain and one should always do what one is best at! ;)

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    2. I wish you still made those clothes - I would buy 'em up, fer sure.

      Delete
  30. Hello. I used to think I was a Human. Now, later in life, I have discovered I am a Bear trapped in the body of a Human. This is very upsetting, because I have all these Ursine habits, but a body which keeps me from being who I am. I am "Bearing up," despite the chronic depression that insinuates itself into my life. But think of it; if you were a Bear trapped in a Human body, wouldn't you be a bit depressed?

    Blessings and Bear hugs!

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    1. I'd be totally depressed, Bear! Until I realized they'd let me in the dump in my human disguise, then I could eat old diapers, rotten apple peels and all sorts of paradiso deliciousness without anyone bugging me!!!!!!

      Delete
  31. Forget about your teenager at least until he reaches 21. Then he will appreciate you. Loved every bit of this. I never knew...

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    1. Never knew what, Mizz Susan? Inquiring minds and all that...

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  32. Feck, love it. Entertained by the entire post! Newly following.

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  33. Wow, that's a lot of info you crammed in there. You know, my grandma used to say when a boy was 12 you put in in a box with a hole in it to feed him through, when he turned 14 you plug up the hole.

    Nice to meet you.

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    1. H! Your Grandma sounds like one smart woman! Nice to meet you, too!

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    2. Well feck you, you lying fekker. I don't believe any of what you wrote--what drivel--except the sex goddess part. You have a lucky husband, fekker.

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    3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And the award for Most Fecks in a Single Fecking Comment goes to ...

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  34. Well pity this fekker couldn't even write the comment in the right spot, but I don't detract a thing...D

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    1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Only a comment Denise could make!!!!

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  35. Bwahahahaha! This was so I had to read it to my teenage son. He died laughing cause I'm always telling him that I'm on the verge of not being "young" anymore. Lol you are too great Mrs. Two Last Names! Lovely meeting you!!!

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    1. You too, Dani! Glad you and your teen had a giggle!

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  36. Gee I totally missed out on this blogfest! Pleased to meet you again and may I just say that I am very glad to have found your blog! You are awesome!

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    1. You were too busy SLEEPING, m'dear!!!! (So jealous on those Zeees you enjoyed last night BTW!)

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  37. *LOL* Great getting to know more about you. I have to censor my feckin' self a lot with a toddler in the house. Sometimes it's very difficult!

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    1. Fecking toddlers!!!!!!! Just wait until they're teenagers - they'll outfeck you and me any day of the week!

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  38. You, my dear Cathy, are fecking funny! We have many things in common, I see: age, weight, hunky hubs, and while I am losing hair at an alarming rate, I was lucky enough to be born with enough for 4 people. I did, however, manage to avoid talking about the ear gage long enough for my teenage son to forget about them and the snake-bites he wanted in his lower lips. Oy!

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    1. Only YOU finished your book - me? I'm too big a weenie.

      I used to have hair ... sigh... one word of advice, Nancy – step AWAY from the scissors!

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  39. Oh dude, this was such an entertaining post! Love it. :) You are a real character!

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    1. I'm a character! I've always wanted to be a character! Thanks Trisha!

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  40. I fecking love it! From one country muse to another!

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    1. And I just LOVE the fecking country!!! LOL Thanks Regina!

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  41. I'm DONALD!!! But you already know that, don't you?! :) Pleased to be re-introduced to you!

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    1. ACK! A celebrity is here! You're such a Donald, DL!!! Glad to remeetcha! :)

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  42. You're a LIBRA! That explains so much! I'm October 19th....

    And also have hair in all the wrong places... but my hunk of a man is eight years OLDER than me. And he's falling apart... seriously, you may have been on to something going younger...

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    1. I'm October 11th! We're practically SAMEYS! Except you've got boobs - my share of 'em, as a matter of fact!

      You gotta get yourself a younger one if this one completely falls apart. That way he can feed you Pablum and change your diddies in the Home.

      Delete
    2. Yeah... but I'm gonna have to kill him off, because you know... there's no way in hell that I'm going through another divorce. :)

      Delete
  43. It's so nice to meet you! Love this post! And thanks for following my blog! Gave ya a follow back :) *shake hands*

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    1. *shaking hands right back atcha* Nice to meet you too Livia!!!!

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  44. Definitely the funniest post I've read! Nice to meet ya and I may have to borrow "feck" (I'm generally find myself using "frick" but could stand to mix it up a little!).

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    1. Ha!!!! YES, everyone should mix up their fricks, fracks and fecks!!!!! Thanks for the compliment! *blushes*

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  45. Love the G-rated F-bombs! I use Flagnog a lot. And thanks for participating in the Re-Introduce Myself Blogfest!

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    1. Flagnog? hehehehe Cool!!!! Thanks for organizing the fest, Stephen. Great job!

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  46. Really nice to meet you, Cathy - thanks for stopping by!

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  47. Replies
    1. We're all so darned nice, aren't we Nicole? :)

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  48. Too funny twisted lady. I have a whole house full of boys...but I've managed to keep my hair, but without Clairol, I'm certain it would all be gray. And I hate technology too...well I hate making it work.

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    1. I just decided, a month ago, to stop dying my hair and instead of dealing with roots, I went to the hairdresser and asked them to cut it all off. (Emphasis on "on.") So far, so good, except it's HELL trying to put 1/8 inch long locks into a ponytail.

      Delete
  49. I'm a Libra, too, Cathy. With two last names.

    It's frightful what the young ones know.

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    1. Maybe it's a Libra thing??

      I never knew what young ones know today. I STILL don't know what they know. I don't even know what I know anymore... sigh...

      Delete
  50. So nice to meet you, Cathy! : ]

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  51. Fecking great post! I think the double-barrelled thing sounds quite grand and interesting. My wife did the same when she married me and my daughter has inherited it. Wonder if she'll go triple-barrelled if she gets married?

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    1. See, I'd never heard of this whole double-barrell thing until this blogfest. And if your daughter goes triple-barrelled, what will HER children do??? Are there enough names in the English language for all of your great-great-great-great-great hypenated grandchildren????

      Delete
  52. haha...loved this!! Thanks for the laugh! And don't worry, boys are easy. He'll sail through the teen years and return to your side--albeit with a few more holes in his body, but hopefully with a little more sense too. ;)

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    1. Tamara, all my fingers, toes, and hairs on my legs are crossed in the great hope that you are right.

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  53. Best one I've read... hilarious and entertaining. So much fun to read. Thanks for stopping by to say Hi. It's wonderful to meet you (and I love your canoe pic!).

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    1. Thanks, Tia!! YOU are adorable! Thanks for the very kind compliments! ox

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  54. Cathy, you are a scream! Absolutely wonderfully crazy!
    I love the double-barrelled surname... it's stylish! *virtual high-5*
    It's great to meet you!

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How's it going, eh? It's SO good to hear from you. Tell me every darn thing...