Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Fart

While my family may fart with abandon at home, my office is a dignified place where no farting (at least no audible farting) goes on.

So you can imagine my chagrin this morning when I coughed extra hard and blew a substantial toot out my hind end, the kind of toot a tuba player might be proud of.

Oh feck, I thought, hoping against hope that the hack-hack noise of my cough camouflaged the barrumph noise emanating from the vicinity of my chair.

I looked around to see if anyone noticed. All heads were bowed to their computers, noses to the grindstone.

Whew. Looked like the old cough/fart combo fooled 'em once again.

Then I smelled what I had dealt.

Oh feck, feck, feck. I started to laugh, couldn't help it. People lifted their faces to see what I was laughing about but I pretended I wasn't laughing, "don't mind me, just having a seizure," so they went back to work.

Vastly relieved, I decided to pre-empt further embarrassment. I took a cold-and-cough pill and practiced squeezing my butt cheeks together. Squeeze, release, squeeze release, three more, two more.

My sister used to have a horse that farted every time he coughed. She had him put down.

Note to self: don't fart around sister.

55 comments:

  1. BWAAHAAHAAHAAA We all do it. Yet it's so funny when it happens.

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  2. Replies
    1. That's what my husband always says ... as noxious gases fill the room.

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  3. HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! I think I just farted....;)

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  4. I guess I'm going to have to put my husband down.

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  5. Oh my I have the giggle farts now HAHAHAHAHA ! Oh this was funny I got Papa to read this and he laughed . Our dog the master farter not only farts but the stench you can cut with a knife lol ! Have a good day and don't blow anyone away lol !

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    1. But he's such a cute little doggie, how can he possibly be that stinky???? (my youngest son is cute but he lets some rippers go, too -- so much for THAT theory!!)

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  6. You are such an ass! Apparently a loud ass! The beauty of working in a nursing home is that the poor residents get blamed for the farts that the staff do! As for poor Devon, it wasnt his farts that made me put him down but I laughed really hard when I read it, which in turn made me cough which in turn made me fart! See alls good in the land of farts!

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  7. Oh man... this has happened to me so many times! Most especially since I have had to start taking so many medications... oh man!

    I usually refer to my ass as a "pop off valve" ha!

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  8. There was just this whole thing about how a US government worker had been penalized at work for farting and how they had to undo all the penalizations.
    That's a new word, by the way, penalizations. I just made that up.

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    1. Seriously? Penalized for farting? Boy, they must have been nasty!

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  9. Farts are fun, farts are cute, farts are gas with a funny toot.
    No worries if you let one go. Unless you suffer a catastrophic O-Ring failure. Which can truly be disastrous if you're wearing white.
    Or...so I've heard.

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    1. "catastrophic O-Ring failure." BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!

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  10. The danger here is that once you break the ice, everyone feels free to join in.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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    1. HAHAHAHA! That's FUNNY, Buzzard!!! I am LOVING everyone's comments, they are making me laugh out loud!

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  11. The story is told of an older couple who had been sitting a long tie in their living room.
    He: "I've been sitting here so long, my bum has gone to sleep."
    She: "Yes, I know; I could hear it snoring."

    Blessings and Bear hugs.

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    1. I will use that joke as my own bear rob

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    2. You're welcome, John. Nothing of mine is copyrighted. (Mainly I can't remember from whom I stole the ideas.)

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  12. He, he, he...you scheming old bird. Tricked them with the fart/cough combo...well done!

    All the fart talk has me flashing back to the comedy of Billy Connelly. The territory is well trod by he. In one skit he remembered his school days when one boy could "fart on command".

    Thanks for the laugh to start my day.

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    Replies
    1. I remember Billy Connelly! We used to laugh like crazy at his farting stuff!

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  13. LOL! I try not to do it in public if it can be helped. but when you're ill sometimes you just can't control it. Haha. I've let out a few accidental whoppers in my time :-)

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    1. Har! I bet Wendy's would be shocked to hear that their beloved burgers got dragged into this dialogue on farting...

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  14. LMAO! Yes, don't do that around your sister. ;)

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    1. I won't... I love her, but sometimes she SCARES me!!!! (Just kidding, Liz!)

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  15. Does that really work, butt cheek squeezing? I must try that in long meetings.

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    1. I dunno... I guess it would do in a "pinch." hehahahaha

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  16. I am laughing out loud thanks for that. B

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    1. You are so welcome! Hope you're not farting as well!

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  17. I feel like the older we get, the easier it is for one biological bit to trigger another. My mother will laugh until she farts. It's kind of endearing, at a distance.

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    1. Awww, so nice that you think it's endearing!!!!! It's true, the older you get, the more one tends to burp, fart and snore at will.. .and the best thing is, you don't much care about it either!

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  18. Two things!

    One: There is a lot of accidental farting that happens in a yoga room. Just sayin' It must be something about those poses. Glad your sister doesn't practice yoga.

    Two: I don't know if you should read Canada. Canada, the country, doesn't come into play until halfway through the book. I read Richard Ford because eveyone loves him and I feel like I should, but there are other writers I much prefer. It turns out I have a total gender bias when I read. Women writers describe things in a way that is closer to my view and experience with the world...which makes sense, but it's still interesting to note.

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  19. Too funny, Cathy. Had a friend one time tell me he used to wait until he had a "good one" and then run up the stairs, trying to break a little off on each one!

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    1. I read this comment at work, Chris, and just about farted myself, I was laughing so hard. "Trying to break a little off on each one" just slayed me!

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  20. This is so beyond funny. I farted once in the office, no one noticed... then I smelled it... I was so embarrassed. Turns out it wasn't me at all... the septic outside was having some major issues. HA!

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    1. The SEPTIC? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh, too funny!

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  21. I am giggling while I squeeze buttocks together. This was awesome, so awesome. My 2 granddaughters are talented belchers and tooters. A family gift.

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    1. I KNEW it was an inherited thing!!!!! *snort*

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  22. Ha ha ha! Watch out or they'll make you sit next to the window - that's what I used to do to the farty kids when I was a teacher.

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    1. You made the farty kids sit next to the window??? HAHAHAHAHA! Oh gawd, hilarious.

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  23. Bahahaha! Brilliant.

    My kids have that problem when they sneeze. They now call it "snarting".
    Frightening that it happens often enough it warranted a naming. LOL

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  24. As a veteran farther of many years...I think we should all stand up for raspberry blowers everywhere......
    So to speak.....

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    1. Mind you if we stand up too quickly the farts start again

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  25. Hahaha...hilarious post! I had that problem once in the shop I used to work in. Luckily no one was in it at the time...lol

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  26. In one of those catalogs "Time for Me" or something they sell underpants that have a deodorizer in them so you don't offend, sound but nothing else. I am not making this up.

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  27. Oh holy ****. I got to laughing so hard I starting coughing and then choking. Are you saying you need matches in your cubicle?

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