Wednesday, January 2, 2013

It was a dark and stormy night...

See, I startle easy.

Yesterday I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and Dave walked by and said something to me, something inane like, "how's it going, eh?" and I shrieked. Scared him. Scared myself. Both of us crapped our drawers, and for what? Nothing. Other than I startle easy. I guess that's why I don't like balloons. I mean, they look so innocent, all colourful and happy, but then, BAM, they BURST in an EXPLOSION of BRRAAPPP, and I'm crapping my drawers again.

I don't mind those heavy duty helium-filled Happy Birthday balloons you get at the dollar store because they're made of military-grade tarp material and don't burst so much as just fizzle away. In fact I bought three of them for Dave's birthday back on December 1. Balloon 1 was killed off my by our son Sam on December 2 who sucked all the helium out of it and talked like Donald Duck for a hilarious couple of minutes. He wanted to do the same thing to Balloon 2 and Balloon 3 but I wouldn't let him, giving him a lecture on not ruining things right away and the evils of helium-inhalation.

A week later I sucked the helium out of Balloon 2. (Classic case of do what I say, not what I do.)

Balloon 3 has been floating around the house ever since, bobbing near the Christmas tree for a while, hanging in various bedrooms, blocking the TV and stuff. I think I dusted it on Christmas Eve. A month had gone by and it had pretty much become part of the scenery and we forgot about it.

Last night we were in bed and Dave said, "What the hell's that?"

His tone was that of someone about to be eaten in a horror flick.

"What?" I shrieked. "Where?"

"There!" He pointed to the end of the bed.

I looked. Something was moving at the level of the bed. Something dark, something round and oogery, bumping across the bed, something monstrous, something ...

"AAAAACCCK!" I screamed, crapping my drawers.

"For feck's sake," Dave said, "it's that stupid balloon!"

Most of the helium had finally dissipated and instead of clinging to the ceiling, it was now hovering around the house at bed level.

"Kill it!" I ordered.

Dave got out of bed and bravely wrestled the balloon to the ground, popping and tearing it and tossing it in the laundry basket where it wouldn't be able to hurt anybody, anymore. My hero.






39 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for my first belly laugh of the day!!! It is kinda creepy when balloons sink to that level isn't it? And I startle easily too! My boss used to come into my office and I'd shriek b/c I didn't hear him coming. lmao

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    1. I've done that at work, too! We're SO lame!!!!!

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  2. Darned evil skulking low flying balloons....good thing you've got a brave man there.

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    1. He IS my hero.. when he's not scaring the crap outta me!

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  3. OMG That was fecking hilarious!!! Bahahahahaha!!!Bahahahahahaha That post made me Happy, Happy Happy!!!

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  4. Oh, that was too funny! Thanks for the laugh!

    Oh, and I would've screamed, too. :)

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    1. I really thought it was a ghost or something, Madeline!

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  5. Every since Stephen King's It - I don't like clowns.
    the Ol'Buzzard

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  6. Happy 2013 Cathy- This was brilliant. I have a couple of dead balloons floating around me house, that I will now proceed to kill, before I wind up crapping my pants in the middle of the night. LOL

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    1. It's either kill it or buy diapers. Jest saying.

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  7. So funny! I wasn't scared of balloons until I read this post. Starting 2013 with a new phobia...

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  8. Start the year off with a laugh!
    One of my wife's birthday balloons floated around for three months.

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    1. That must have been one good dollar store balloon!

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    1. AAAACK!!!!

      Yesterday, I swear to god, I was riding my exercise bike and Dave, who was outside shovelling snow, stuck his face against the window to see what I was doing. I was on the "uphill" curve and was pedalling hard, and when I saw something at the window I not only crapped my pants, i thought I was dying. Dying, dead, flatlined, poof, that was it. I'm yelling at him, with my last breath, "STOP DOING THAT." And he's all hurt, saying, "I just wanted to say hi."

      Me mean. Dead, but mean.

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  10. Good to know! When I was a kid I delighted in hiding around corners with the raccoon hide that hung on the bannister and jumping out with it to scare my parents. NO ONE likes to come face to face with a dead raccoon growling in a kid voice :)

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  11. We dressed one of those up once just to heighten that effect.

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    1. Did you? Really? If I wasn't dead already, I would totally die of fright at your house.

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    2. Yeah, we did. A hat and a sweater so it floated around at chest level or so.

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    3. Ermagherd... die, I would. Your cat would be eating me for breakfast.

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  12. *LOL* That would have scared me too!

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    1. It really did! Even Dave thought it was a ghost at first... and we don't even believe in ghosts!

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  13. And it looked like such a beautiful balloon too. Beauty is as beauty does. I startle easy as well. Far too easily for my comfort level, and for our laundry requirements.
    Many years back I blew up fifty balloons for himself's birthday as a homecoming gift. He was delayed. By over a week. There is very little more melancholy than a house full of wilting balloons...

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    1. It was a beauty, until Dave squished it like a proverbial bug.

      You blew up 50 balloons... and he didn't come home for more than a week???? No!!!! That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. Why on earth was he delayed?

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    2. He was working away from home - and there was a petrol (fuel) strike, and he simply couldn't get home. Worse, at the time we were v poor and didn't have a phone. Not a fun time. However - you are much more caring than my very best friend who laughed until she wet herself when she heard the sad tale. I got my revenge though - she was at work at the time.

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    3. HA! Nothing like wet pants for the day!!!!

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  14. Now that's just creepy. I would have freaked out at Mr. Balloon inching his way along the foot of my bed too.

    You suck helium??? :)

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  15. You are so hilarious! Hurrah for brave balloon slayers! :)

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  16. You just made my day!!! That balloon was evil! Yay for Dave! :)

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  17. I wouldn't get too concerned until you're actually crapping your drawers. Until then, being excitable in that fashion can be very entertaining and good for the heart. Afterward, though, it's bad for the laundry.

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  18. Balloons! Maybe even killer balloons!

    Naw — not at your place way out in the woods. But you sure know how to scare yourself, don't you?

    Stuck out my snout to see what was happening. It's still winter, that's what's happening. Time to go back to hibernating.

    Blessings and Bear hugs.

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  19. I laughed out loud. Woke the dogs. Now they want balloons....

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  20. Oh, very funny!

    All the balloon wanted to do was say hello, you know...

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  21. Better late than never
    X
    Tee hee

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