Friday, April 15, 2011

M is for Mammogram


Sung happily to the tune of the Sugarplum Fairies: "I'm having a mammogram today!"
This is all part of the Cathy-turned-50-self-renovation-plan. A couple weeks ago I went to the dentist, then I had a colonoscopy (not at the dentist), today it's a mammogram and in a couple weeks it's the dreaded annual physical with bonus Pap smear. 
Yesterday I went to the eye doctor and while I knew my eyes weren't as good as I thought they should be I never dreamed I'd have the beginnings of cataracts in both eyes. Cataracts! I'm officially old. Buy me a white cane, a motorized scooter, some blue hair dye and a handicapped parking spot. Book me a spot at the home, Mabel, I'm coming in!
I asked my friend Vic, who has had one of these boob-squishing appointments, what I should expect. She had this advice: 
"When you go home tonight, open the fridge and stick your boobs inside. Then slam the fridge door on them a few times and you'll have the general idea."
Whenever I hear the word mammogram I think of the Saturday Night Live land shark skit. You know, with the shark saying "telegram" and then "candygram." I'm thinking if he had of said "mammogram," there's no way Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman would have answered the door.
UPDATE:
I had my mammogram this morning and it was FINE! Honestly, it didn't hurt at all and I absolutely don't want to discourage anybody from getting this all-important test. The women at the Ontario Breast Screening Clinic at the Bracebridge Hospital couldn't have been nicer or more gentle. Or funny! I told them my fridge story and they had a big giggle.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Get a mammogram.
It really could save your life.




Land Shark
Tags: Land Shark

16 comments:

  1. Yeah, this gram is not nearly as fun as a candygram. This maintenance stuff is a pain in the ass. And boobs.

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  3. Mammograms. Not fun, but an all-clear result is so much sweeter than any candygram :)

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  4. I will squish mine in the fridge if you do.

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  5. Seems pretty brutal, but the Land Shark tie in is hilarious! Ever heard of tittie twisters or purple nurples? Whistling is impossible but a flurry of punches works just fine.

    Hope you are in the clear and can stay away from the saw-bones for awhile. :)

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  6. Make your doctor give you lenses as close to your prescription now as possible. I was really near-sighted and got lenses good enough for a sharpshooter... but can't see details up close. Not good for a writer, editor, and artist. Bleh! My doctor was completely out-of-touch with my needs.

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  7. That reminds me, I need to make an appointment for a mamogram. Do I have to turn my head and cough for that too?

    This made me laugh out loud: (not at the dentist)

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  8. just glad i don't need a prostate exam.

    ugh. my mammos always have potentially bad news, so i get the repeats. all very anxiety-producing. and the room is always so blasted cold.

    colonoscopies. mammos... uh-oh, p is coming up ;^) peace...

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  9. I haven't done any mammogram and don't need any for at least few years. I love the story of the fridge, I think that's hilarious. Love the the video too.

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  10. Great post. Btw, if you do get one of those motorized wheelchairs, be sure to get a pirate flag to fly from the back. I know that's what I plan to do! :)

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  11. Cathy you crack me up. I busted a gut here:

    then I had a colonoscopy (not at the dentist)

    HA!
    ~2

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