Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Deck the halls with boughs of vomit

I was humming Christmas carols this morning while making coffee.

This happens to me every year. I'm slow getting into the Christmas spirit but, by the time it's over, I'm in full-on, meet-me-under-the-mistletoe, buy-something, wrap-something, eat-something seasonal-greetings splendour. So I feel like the little brother in A Christmas Story, the kid who is so overdressed that he can't walk, can't run, can't fart, and is continuously whining, "Come on guys, wait up guys, oh guys..." That's me, whining, as the Christmas train blows past.

Yesterday was one of those days you wish never happened. We were headed north to visit friends we hadn't seen in some time. Sam seemed fine before we left. He was having a little trouble going to the bathroom (he gets constipated sometimes) but nothing untoward. He started looking uncomfortable just as we passed the last turn-off to civilization and public bathrooms. When it was clear we were in the land of nothing-but-swamps-and-bush, he suddenly announced, "I gotta have a crap and I feel like I'm gonna throw up!"

Nothing speeds a driver to a curb as fast as a kid saying the throw-up word. Tires squealed and my face just missed hitting the dash as Dave swerved off the highway. I jumped out to help Sam get out of the car safely and then watched as he scrabbled down a steep, snow-covered embankment. At first it looked like he was going to throw up, all gaggy and retchy and such. Then, without further adieu, he yanked down his jeans and squatted in the ditch.

I was impressed and repulsed all at the same time. My kid was going to defecate at the side of a busy four-laned highway. I have Crohn's disease and I wouldn't be caught doing that in a zillion years. I can't see very well at the moment (my cataracts) so I thought, maybe he's only peeing.

"Are you peeing?" I asked. Hopefully.

"I'm crapping," said my son.

Oh geez.

"I'll go get you some Kleenex," I said. I grabbed a box out of the car.

Dave asked, "Is he puking?"

"No," I said, "apparently he is crapping."

"Oh geez," Dave said.

I thought I could just lob the Kleenex box straight to Sam, but I missed by, like, 20 feet and thus had to slide down the embankment towards the crapping child to wrangle the box out of the only tree in the ditch and hand it over. I did so, discreetly, not wanting to embarrass Sam, who was already crapping in front of every person driving north on one of Ontario's busiest north-south highways and probably didn't care one iota about crapping in front of his mother. Although I would never crap in front of my mother. I don't think. Maybe if I was desperate. OK, so Sam was desperate.

Moving on, we came to Burk's Falls where there is a Tim Horton's.

"Sam," I said, "would you like to go to Timmy's and use their bathroom?"

"Yes," said Sam.

Thank goodness, I thought. An actual bathroom will be so much less embarrassing than a ditch. While Sam was in the bathroom, Angus and I went to the counter and ordered coffee and hot chocolate. I was just about to pay the nice young cashier when Sam came up to us, white-faced and sick-looking.

"Mom," he said, "I just vomited in the bathroom."

The cashier's smile disappeared but she continued to get my change.'

Inside I was thinking, "isn't it cute how he uses the word vomit?" What I said was, "You threw up in the toilet, right?"

Sam shook his head. "There was somebody on the toilet so I vomited on the floor."

All colour drained from the cashier's face and, I swear, went to mine. I looked to her and squeaked, "I'm sorry."

"That's OK," she said, but I wasn't convinced.

I told Sam to go back in the men's room and wash up. Apparently he still had to use the toilet as well, "but the man who was in there got poo all over the seat," so he decided against it.

Those poor Timmy's staff. Cleaning up my son's vomit and some old guy's poo. There ain't enough money in the world to pay me to do that.

Top photo: my new coat and mittens I found under the tree. Thanks Santa!
Second photo: Misty in her Christmas dress.
Third: Dave with our festive mailbox.
Fourth: my handsome non-puking men - Sam, Dave and Angus.
Fifth: me and Dave wishing you and yours a happy ho-ho-ho.


  1. What an amusing post to read while drinking my morning coffee!

    And, you better run because I think that Sam will want to do something to you when he ever realizes that he was the subject of your blog in such a...vivid way. Hahaha.

  2. Poor little guy, I hope he's feeling better now. Hey, and for once, the Mamma wasn't the one to clean up the mess. Yay!!!

  3. Hahahaha, I love reading your experiences Cathy!

  4. Thanks for sharing all of the photos. The one of Dave and the boys is great. Angus looks so different without blue hair.

    The crapping child on the edge of the busy Ontario highway thing wouldn't have bothered me at all...I have been to India afterall (twice).

    PS Misty's dress is lovely.

  5. Poor Sam. I hope he's feeling better, and that everyone is over the trauma.

    Those are great photos. I love the last one of you and Dave. You guys are such fun.

  6. Poor Sam hope he's better now. That was written in a very amusing way.

    The photos are fab!

    I and my son suffered a stomach bug over Xmas day and boxing day, all that lovely food and we couldn't eat it! Much better today though. ^__^

  7. I swear, when I read the title of the post, I thought' you'd written a song! Great pix...:)JP

  8. Marisa - I know, I'm SO dead! Lucky for me my kids think my blog is boring (they're probably right) and don't drop by too often.

    Delores - Yup, he's feeling better but I'm pretty sure he had a bug of some kind. My mom and my niece came down with a stomach bug on Boxing Day. Merry Christmas - let's spread some germ joy!

    Thanks Carrie!!!

    Alan - "the crapping child" comment made me laugh out loud... and I read your India comment to my colleagues, who always appreciate India humour. And isn't Angus far more handsome with his god-given blonde locks? I mean, really – most women would kill for hair that colour.

    Thanks, Laurita! It all looks like fun in the photos but at Tim Horton's and at the side of the highway, not so much!

    Oh Helen, I'm so sorry to hear you were sick. You mean to say you were too sick to eat that fabulous cake you posted on FB??? I hope not... because it looked truly awesome.

  9. Quiet - I think it could be a song! We could get Weird Al to sing it... we'd be rich!

  10. Just think of all the 'remember when' and 'thank god that's not our kid' comments zipping by on the highway.
    Ooh, and if Sam gets uppity in high school just trot out this post.
    Embarrassing ones parents is a right of passage. Embarrassing ones kids is an art form.

  11. Poor Sam. Carry vomit bags, but I guess that won't help with the other problem.

  12. Life would be boring without children that's for sure!
    Great pictures of your wonderful family!

  13. Mizz Gene Pool Diva - I am so glad I could entertain all those weary highway travellers! That is SO my goal in life - that, and embarrassing my children!!

    Mizz Retired English Teacher - vomit bags are a good idea, though. I suppose he could sit on them for the other thing. (I did say sit, didn't I? LOL!!!!)

    Thank you Kathy and Sue!

  14. @Cathy I have recovered and am now able to nibble on it, mmm delicous ^__^ here have a piece!


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