Monday, January 13, 2014

My dog hates me


Misty hates me.

No, no, don't try to make me feel better. It's true. She thinks I'm the Ted Bundy of Dog-Killers. As for me, I can see beyond her seven pounds of cuteness. I know there's a sullen, manipulative, bacon-hungry bitch behind those dazzling bug eyes.

Obviously we spend too much time together. She knows I waste too much of my life playing the jellies. I know she pees under the chesterfield. We're like opposing generals and every day we face each other across the household abyss.

See, she has breath like a garbage dump. Like a corpse crawled up her panting tongue and died between her bicuspids. She has bad teeth – it's a common condition amongst small dogs – and we've spent thousands at the vet having her teeth cleaned and pulled.

So I brush her teeth. I have to, or she'll have no teeth left.

Every time I brush her teeth she acts like she's being killed. I brushed them last night, as a matter of fact, and she studiously avoided me all evening and all day today. I would actually call her and she'd go hide behind someone else.

So today I was cutting up sausages for chili and the fabulous aroma of pig-in-stomach-skin sent her skittering into the kitchen. I tossed her a piece and she lapped it up, then assumed her best mooching position, hoping for more.

That's when I got the brilliant idea of making her come directly to me for the sausage. I thought she would gladly come over to the Ted Bundy of Dog-Killers, aka the Sausage Chef, for a tasty morsel and forget all about the previous night's toofie brushing.

She wanted to get the sausage but she didn't want to approach me. I could see the fear in her eyes as she approached me, sideways. It was like she was in four wheel drive, only her stomach was ruling her back feet, ordering "GET THE SAUSAGE" and her front feet were firmly locked in the "DOG KILLER AT THREE O'CLOCK" position.

As she was skittling sideways, she was also peeing on the floor.

Isn't that nice? I scare the piss out of my own dog.

A few weeks ago I was merely trying to help my mom get comfortable in her chair, which she was sharing with Misty. My plan was to pick up the dog, put her on the floor, help Mom, then put the dog back in Mom's lap. Right? Except she thought she was in trouble – because Ted Bundy picked her up – so she started to slink away. I called her back, she slunk faster, I called with more authority, she started to run, so I lost my temper and yelled, "SIT," which made her pee.

Now I'm afraid to look at her, in case she pees in fright. I try to be nice. I really do. But honestly it's depressing to be an ogre in my dog's eyes.

What kind of a human being am I if my own dog hates me?

31 comments:

  1. Does Misty get dry food to crunch on as well as wet food? Dry helps to clean the teeth a bit and there are also dog treats that will clean the teeth, such as Denta-Bone, they're available here in supermarkets in the pet food aisle of course and I'm sure the vet could recommend similar items so that you don't have to brush her teeth. I'm sad that Misty is fearing you because of this.

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    1. Actually we don't feed her wet food anymore. The vet suggested we ONLY feed her wet, because she's lacking teeth to chew properly, but then she'd steal cat crunchies every chance she got so we said to heck with the wet, if she can eat cat food she can eat dry dog food!

      She doesn't like any kind of bones or chew toys – I think the bones hurt her gums and she's afraid of toys. Seriously. Afraid of toys. Her being afraid of everything just drives me crazy. But I guess when you're as little as she is, everything is scary.

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  2. Sigh. I am the ogre in this house (not tooth cleaning but other issues). Sadly Jazz isn't afraid of me, he thinks attack is the very best defence. So I am afraid of him.
    What sort of human being am I if I am afraid of my cat?
    And my heart goes out to you and Misty.

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only ogre. You're right, someone's got to be the mean one. (Watch out for Jazz, though! Maybe you need a claw-proof vest/??)

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  3. Little dogs are notorious for having "teeth" problems. My dogs cringe when they see the Nail clippers coming their way, but hubby head locks & I clip.

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    1. I feel so much better, reading that other people use the "head lock" method for unpleasant tasks!

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  4. Lucy hides under the table when I have to clean her ears and put in meds. After a scuffle (head lock and snout hold) and I do the deed, she doesn't look or talk to me for the rest of the day. Bitch.

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    1. I laughed out loud when I read your comment, Deb! I can just see Lucy ex-snoring you!!

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  5. Replies
    1. Don't feel sorry for her Jo! She only LOOKS innocent. I know what evil lurks behind those big eyes... and refillable bladder ...

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  6. Just like kids eh? You do what's best for them but they don't see it that way. Well....somebody has to be the bad guy in every family.

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  7. Get her dentures! Just like her look a like on the dentabone commercial!!! Lol Maybe she's getting senile like mom's Molly and just thinks your the vet! I suggest not brushing her teeth and spending snuggle time with her in the couch...oh and stay upwind of her breath!!! Good luck!

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    1. Four miles upwind... geez she stinks.

      She really misses Mom, by the way. Both her and Ben-Ben went through serious withdrawals.

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  8. Maybe you can get her on Letterman's Stupid Pet Tricks.

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  9. I am the exact opposite: I beat my cat (I don't really, but it's fun to say) and, after, he comes purring to me trying to make up. But, then, we already knew he was like that because he used to be that way with the cat outside that really did beat him up.

    You should try your dog on a raw meat diet. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but it helps to make their breath not stink.

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    1. Raw meat, huh? Could I feed her my ex mother-in-law?

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    2. I suppose that would be a good way of getting rid of the body. It might take a while, though.

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  10. I changed my border collie to a better quality dog food - which gives him terrible breath and the farts. So what gives??
    BTW, just finished reading Weezie. What a sweet, sweet story. Good job well done girl!

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    1. It's funny, we buy special food for our dogs who, given the opportunity, will eat everything under the sun including cat shit from the litter box.

      Thanks for the compliment, Karen!!!!! :)
      If you get a chance, could you please leave a review with Amazon? It would really help me out! Thanks!

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  11. It is better that she fears you...just think what she could do in the night while you slept.

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    1. Luckily she's so small she can't get up on the bed without help.

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  12. Since I don't own a dog, I can only share a bit of pity with you from afar and jot a note about dog tooth brushing scaring the bejeezus out of dog as one of the additional things to be aware of should me and the kiddo ever get a dog :-)

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    Replies
    1. GET A CAT. I highly recommend cats. They're so much less dog-like.

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  13. You have my deepest sympathy! I once had a cat, Lucy, who would stand in front of me and pee on the floor just to irritate me . . . I could go on and on . . . but nothing -- NOTHING! -- I did for her worked. HOWEVER, Lucy absolutely adored my husband and cleaned up her act when he was around, turning into the most perfect kitty imaginable. When we got orders to go overseas, hub's niece offered to take Lucy (O Happy Day!). A year later, at the ripe old age of 16, Lucy slipped outside and attacked a leashed rotweiler, dying in the process. Hub was devastated. I wished the angels in heaven luck.

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