Tuesday, January 14, 2014
The Tony tin
Once upon a time I had a red hot crush on Tony Soprano.
You remember him? The head of the Soprano crime family, played by the late James Gandolfini, on HBO's groundbreaking television series?
Yeah ... the kind of dreams I had about Tony would make a gangster blush.
*clears throat, takes cold shower*
Oh geez, I loved that show. So did my buddy, Martha, who was too cheap to pay for The Movie Network so she made me tape the show for her. To show her appreciation, Martha gave me The Sopranos board game, which came in a really cool tin.
When it came time to actually play the game, I couldn't talk anybody into playing. I even tried to make an offer they couldn't refuse, but they refused it.
After watching the game gather dust for a few years I decided to toss the game but keep the tin. It was cool, after all, and tins always come in handy, especially at Christmas when there's a need to store your shortbread.
So I store my Christmas goodies in my Sopranos tin. Fat-filled, high-calorie treats ... in a tin with a picture of James Gandolfini on it.
It has not escaped my attention that Mr. Gandolfini's weight and size probably had something to do with his early death so it seems ironic that his character's picture is on my cookie tin.
Every time I steal a Butterball or a Gingerbread from the tin I look guiltily at Tony. He's scowling in the photo and his eyes follow you everywhere, like a really grumpy Mona Lisa, you know, if the Mona Lisa was a psychopathic, murderous mob boss. It's like he's warning me: "STAY AWAY FROM THE COOKIES."
I try to escape his nasty gaze, nibbling my guilt-ridden delicosities from a corner of the kitchen where he can't see. Sometimes I put a dish towel over his head.
Today I emptied out the last of the treats – into the garbage, the real garbage, not my mouth – washed the Tony tin, and put it away in the back of the cupboard until next Christmas.
The Sopranos was over a long time ago and the actor who played Tony is dead but that tin will live on at Webster family Christmases as long as there's butter and sugar and me.