Friday, April 4, 2014

D is for Door


Ladies, I have to tell you, it's pretty sweet having a back door man.

When your husband has another one of his headaches and he hasn't shaved his legs since summer solstice; when it's that time of the month and he's ragging about the correlation between your hair dryer and the electricity bill; when he's asking you if his work pants make him look fat and you have to say, honey, it's time to meet either Jenny Craig or Omar the Tentmaker and he's bawling and his eyes are all puffy and ugly, and you can't help but roll yours 'cause men are just so darned sensitive – that's when you really appreciate your back door man.

Mine's a redhead. Oh yeah. Hairy from top to toe, just the way I like 'em. A big guy, strong, but not in a smelly way. He doesn't coat himself with frilly fragrance, he smells the way a guy should smell, masculine, dusty, musky like goat with a hint of beef and a top note of kitty litter.

He comes to me every night, creeping up the stairs when my husband is drowsy and almost asleep. He's a ninja, like Kung Fu Panda ninja, like Fred Flintstone twinkle-toeing down the bowling lane, except he doesn't make that high-pitched piano noise that Fred's toes are famous for. He's a stealth bomber, a break-in artist, a thief in the night, and he comes to my bed so quietly that I don't even know he's there. Until I turn over and there he is, watching me in the darkness, his hairy nakedness soft in the gleam from a neighbourhood streetlight.

My husband knows he's there, but he doesn't complain. The back door man fills a void in my life that my husband can't, and so the three of us lie there, every night in our bed, always in the same order: Dave is closest to the door, I'm in the middle, and beside me is Dodge, who could sleep anywhere in the house but believes it's his absolute right to share one full-third of our king-size bed. He comes and goes throughout the night, but I rarely hear him. Always, though, I fall asleep to the sound of his purring and I wake up with my face coated in cat hair.

He's my back door man, ladies, and I think every hot blooded woman should have one.

27 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. And if the roles were reversed, your husband would say that was his back door...
    Maybe it's better left unsaid.
    Sorry, typo in first comment.

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  3. such a crack up! my back door man is blonde, like my hub. unfortunately for me, he's more FOR my hub than for me, tho he likes me better... ha!

    happy d day!

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  4. Actually a back door brick, but who's complaining. He's hot.

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  5. There's nothing like a warm purring cat to lull you to sleep.

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  6. What about pure old George?

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  7. That should read poor not pure

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  8. Not sure if I am supposed to blush or laugh.
    brava!

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  9. I think that twinkle toe sound is made with a xylophone of some kind. If it wasn't for the comments I wouldn't have picked up on the fact that this was a cat you were talking about. lol

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  10. Stopping by from the A to Z Challenge...i had a feeling it was going to be a dog cause this is what my dog does...so it's a cat...almost the same ;)

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  11. hee hee he...and achooo (allergic to cats)

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  12. How lucky that Dodge only takes a third of the bed. And uses the back door. Jazz the dreadful d demands at least half the bed and uses the front door for preference. Unless it is inconvenient (for us), when he will deign to use the back.

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  13. Well, Cathy, I'm not as slutty with my shrunken heads as you claim to be, but I just gave you one of mine because I think your blog is FUNNY! and CLEVER! And I want to read more of your posts! So there!!

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  14. I actually thought Dodge was a fantasy guy. I should have known from that 'top note of kitty litter' :)

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  15. I really thought this post was going somewhere COMPLETELY different. The Catholic school girl in me started getting red in the cheeks :)
    ~Katie
    www.thecyborgmom.blogspot.com

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  16. Hahaha! Love your bawdy sense of humor, Cathy. Yes, the face full of cat hair thing. I have a big tub o' lard who thinks my lap is a suitable place to stretch out any time I'm eating...

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  17. I have one of those thing. I have less appreciation than you, evidently. Maybe because mine wakes me up several times EVERY night.

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  18. Great post! There were 3 in the bed and the little one said "purr!"
    #AtoZChallenge Http://virtuallyallsorts.wordpress.com

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  19. Beautifully written! That darn cat!

    We have two of our own, one lilac point and one red, like yours. The two them take up the bottom half of the bed and we must weave our legs around those sleeping logs.

    Thanks for joining my blog! I like being followed. LOL. Oops that sounded weird.

    http://TravelBug-Susan.blogspot.com

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  20. I have two Persians who share my bed--both males, one black with a touch of white at his throat and the other white with a black face and a black stripe around his tummy. It's so nice to me another cat person.

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  21. I was beginning to wonder what naughty direction you were going in... oh boy!

    Well, from the cat's point of view, all things belong to him.

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  22. LOVE your artwork cover with that red set of long johns and a ghost book. The look on that woman's face is priceless. I am NOT a cat person in any way shape or form but you almost have me convinced I need a feline companion. I chuckled mightily through your post. Thank you

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  23. LOL - when I got to "goat with a hint of beef and a top note of kitty litter." I was thinking, why would I want my man to smell like that. Wonderful twist, or I am just really slow.
    Visiting from AtoZ

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  24. I thought you meant your cat. There were clues.
    I've never allowed a cat to sleep on my bed, although there was one persistent little bugger that would climb up and sleep on my hair while he was tiny.

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  25. I know all about the cat needing half of the bed - when did an animal that can curl up into such a small ball when it wants to stretch out so damn much when sharing?
    Sophie
    Sophie's Thoughts & Fumbles - A to Z Ghosts
    Fantasy Boys XXX - A to Z Drabblerotic

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  26. I love cats, but I am allergic. We had a furbaby once upon a time, but we had to give her to a friend to keep. It's nice meeting. Now following!

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  27. Your husband shaves his legs?
    the Ol'Buzzard

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