E is for Ear Holes

I know those big ear holes kids are getting today are a fad, just like bell bottoms in the 1970s and big hair in the '80s, and kids should be kids and express themselves any way they want (as long as it doesn't hurt anybody), but geez, those are BIG holes.

Everyone knows your ears get bigger as you get older. My ear lobes, right now, are the size of Smart Cars. They dangle lower than what's left of my boobs, for crying out loud.

Can you imagine if I had one of those giant holes put in my ears when I was a kid? They'd be big enough by now to run a four-lane highway through. The thought of those ginormous holes flopping around on some geezer-in-a-nursing-home gives me the willies.

They don't just look funny – those holes also stink. Anybody with pierced ears knows what I'm talking about. As time goes by the holes get full of dead skin cells, body oil, old shampoo and stuff from the recycling bin, and eventually it stinks. If your ears are pierced, run your finger behind your ear, kinda digging it into the back of the hole, yes, like that ... Now. Smell your finger. (If you're in a coffee shop reading this you might want to do it surreptitiously, so people don't think you're some kind of cheesebox.)

Stinks, eh? Told ya. Bet you'll think twice before you let Mr. Romeo snuffle sweet nothings in your ear.

So if one regular-sized ear piercing stinks and grows, can you IMAGINE the size and STENCH of a giant hole on an old person? I mean, think of it – 60 years from now, all the teenagers who have ginormous studs in their ears are going to be living in nursing homes where health care aides will be forced to clean all those repulsively large and stinky ear holes flapping in the breeze.

Just now I went to find a picture of some numb-nut with an ass-sized ear hole and everything on Google Images was so repulsive that I couldn't bear to look. So I'll spare you the photo. Now go on and enjoy your Saturday, go out for breakfast, maybe order some cottage cheese or something. See ya on Monday!