Thursday, April 10, 2014
I is for Indulgence
My friend had a hissy fit the other night because her better half had inadvertently thrown out her last two cookies.
"All I wanted was a COOKIE. Is that too much to ask? A #@%#^$&% COOKIE???" She then listed all the multitudinous things she does for her spouse, her selfless hardships, her complete and utter martyrdom, "AND ALL I WANT IS A FECKING COOKIE."
Through a rainforest shower-head of tears, she told me it wasn't even a "good" cookie. It was a healthy cookie. Probably made with dried bits of fava bean, seaweed and non-glutinous bonito flakes.
I was, like, duuude, I wouldn't even let that shite in my house and, if it got there by accident, I'd think Dave was a superhero for throwing its stinky ass out the door.
"Go to the store," I told her, "and buy all of your favourite things."
She was, like, "Whaaa?" because, like most of us, when she goes grocery shopping she buys carrots and meat and toilet paper – all the sensible stuff – and then maybe, just maybe – as a treat – she might buy one carton of non-fat frozen yogurt, or bonito flake non-gluten cookies.
"Haven't you ever done that?" I asked.
"No," she said. "Well, not since I was a kid."
Ah yes. Kid-dom. I remember it well. I'd get an allowance of 50 cents on Saturday morning and I'd go directly to the local smoke & gift store and spend the happiest moments of my kid-week deciding what junk food to buy. A bag of chips, a chocolate bar, maybe some pop rocks and some shoestring licorice. Oh, man, those were the days.
I used to think that, when I grew up, I'd buy all of that stuff all of the time. What kid in their right mind would spend money on carrots and toilet paper when there are peppermint patties and corn chips? Whatever happened to that wonderful kid dream?
My friend got all excited at the prospect of going to the grocery store and frittering a hundred glorious bucks on nothing but cheesecake, double-stuf Oreos, sour cream and onion potato chips, real ice cream, chocolate syrup and whipped cream in a can.
"I'm gonna go," she said, drooling, and she hung up the phone with visions of banana splits dancing in her head.
I spent the next hour or so daydreaming about what I'd buy on an Ultimate Junk Food Shopping Trip and finally decided on:
Sooooo.... if you could go to the grocery store, right now, and fill your cart with anything your little kid heart desires, what would you buy?