Wednesday, April 4, 2012

A to Z Honesty - D is for Dildoes


Last night on Facebook my glamourous friend GP Ching pointed out a news story that sez Canada is the fifth happiest country in the world. Are Canadians happier, she asked, than her fellow Americans, who ranked 11th in the poll?

Well, YEAH.

First of all, we're up higher. The altitude mollifies our brains so we're all kinda drugged all the time, like hikers on Mount Everest. It's hard to be unhappy when you're high. (Not that I would know, kids.)

It's also frigging cold in Canada. You ever seen a frog when it's cold? Or a fish? They're, like, stunned. That's how Canadians are when they venture out of their igloos. Stunned. It's hard to be unhappy when you can't form a coherent thought due to your brain cells' chilly resemblance to Sara Lee cheesecake.

We're lovers, not fighters. We don't have guns in our bedside tables – we have dildoes and lube. We like to fornicate. A lot. It's the only thing that keeps us warm when it's 40 below.

Nobody holds a grudge in Canada because we're always apologizing so damned much. It's like, "oh, sorry I just rear-ended your new car," and "that's ok, I forgive you," and "call me sometime and I'll apologize for boinking your wife," and "good idea – it'll give me a chance to apologize for the punch I'm going to deliver to your fornicating FACE." 

Which is why I'm sometimes so freaking happy that my face hurts.

60 comments:

  1. I just can't frikkin' believe you, Cathy! *gasping for air* You are high-larious. Keep it up and the rest of your brain cells might warm up enough to finish your novel!

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  2. Um, also, considering what your post said...I'm looking at a photo of Dave over there that says, "Happiest When Wet." Should I be reading anything into that?

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    1. HARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! You are so SASSY!!!!!!
      (I'll never tell!!!!)

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  3. That's no dildo, it's a loonie!

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    1. If it's big, it's not a loonie, it's a TOONIE.

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  4. There's probably a lot of truth in that. I know I'm happiest when… never mind. :-P

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    Replies
    1. So that's why Mrs. Fetched is smiling all the time!
      You devil, Larry...

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  5. What??? I thought Dildo was a town. Oh, my freaking eyes!!

    Now if I could just stop laughing I'd go get the hot water bottle to thaw out my brain cells.

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    1. Oh you Newfoundlanders, pretending Dildo is named after some piece of nautical equipment and then laughing at the tourists... I know you guys all have dildoes in your drawers!!! (You looking so innocent with your mittens and toque...)

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  6. Replies
    1. It must be hurting by now Katie! Need some water? I've got some in my drawer along with the, well, you know...

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  7. Har! Using the word 'dildo' in a blog title...you may get a lot of (undesirable) traffic today. You slay me.

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    1. Undesirable traffic? That's like bad publicity! Non-existant! Besides I'm redirecting all of it to Conversations At Land's Edge, care of the Silver Fox.Com... My treat for you! Enjoy!

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  8. I absolutely LOVE the photo of that crazy smiling dog. You are right, Canadians are so happy because our brains have been flash frozen.

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    1. I know, Delores, right? That's the funniest smiling dog photo ever!

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  9. You make me laugh. Girl you're the best.

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    Replies
    1. It's my mission in life! Thanks for the follow, btw!

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  10. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cough cough gasp

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    1. Austan? Are you related to my Cuzin Debi down there? Y'all seem to have the same problem breathing....

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  11. hahahahahahaha gasp hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa

    You are innnnnnnnssssaaaaayyyyyyyynnnnnnnneeee

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  12. Oh my! My keyboard will never dry out. That was too funny!!!
    You did forget to mention that Canadians will apologize to the post they run into, too. We are a funny lot - not so frozen over on this coast, though. Usually.

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    Replies
    1. Stephanie, I was TOTALLY going to mention apologizing to a post! I do that EVERY SINGLE DAY. I also apologize to my chair, my desk, walls, trees – once I apologized to a lady's purse!

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    2. Nah, on the west coast it's not the cold that affects your brain cells, it's all the fresh, sea air blowing through yer Birkenstocks!

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    3. (So many stereotypes, so little time...)

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  13. Crap! I gotta move back to Canada! Where did Mexico come in? Probably really low. Love the dog pick.

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, Clarissa, Mexico places 24th on the happy scale... Time to move north, my friend!

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  14. You must have ripped this one off in five minutes before your fingers froze. it just reads through like a roll down a piano keyboard. Wonderful!

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    1. It's freakin' hard typing with cold fingers, Joanne. It's like playing piano with fish sticks.

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  15. Oh how funny...What a hoot! I'm movin' to Canada!

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    1. They'll greet you at the border with your own red and white dildo!

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  16. I so wish I could write like you.

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    1. You so already do, Mizz Patty! Loved your post today!

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  17. Replies
    1. HUMP DAY! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! (Awesome comment!)

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  18. Now that was an attention getting title for the post. Love it. Perhaps you could add that D is for Delightful.

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    1. Yes, dildoes ARE delightful, EC! Thanks! Glad to see you out and about. Does this mean things are improving at your house, health-wise? Hope so.

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  19. That is a great post!! You just made my day :)

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  20. Re the dogs in the photo, I just love the expression on the face of the non-smiling one. "What do you think's so funny 'Mr. your rear end's frozen to the ground'?"

    As to what you've got in your drawers, Ms. Cathy, I'm stayin' out of it...

    Happy Wednesday - and thanks for making mine so much fun!

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    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHA - I know, right? It's the funniest dog photo I've seen in a while. Wish I could take credit for it.

      Hugs to you Kev, you always say the nicest things!!!!! oxox

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  21. THat pup is definitely freaking happy, or just finished fornicating.

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    1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Laughing out LOUD at your comment, Sharkbytes!!! I think you're RIGHT! That's why the other dog (probably female) looks so crabby!!!!!
      Hilarious!

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  22. Now I'm left wondering why Canadians are compared favourably with Aussies? Except for the 'no guns' rule, lol!

    Denise

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    1. There's a reason you've got that smile plastered on your face, Mizz Denise!!! C'mon, fess up!!! :)

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  23. I often wish I had landed in Canada instead of the US all those years ago. But I'm here now and have to make the best of it. Now that I know what I need to keep by my bedside that should be a bit easier. I lived in London when I was young and I still say "sorry" for the slightest little thing. Americans have no idea why I do that.

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  24. You just totally cracked me up! You are a treasure!

    I love you! xoxox!!!

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  25. I knew there was a reason I needed to go to Canada....

    I'm out of lube.

    :)

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  26. I want to say something smart, but I can't think of anything because I am laughing so much! ^__^

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  27. LMAO! OK, don't think I'm weird. Well, I am, but I just don't want you to think it quite yet. I was on another blog and I went to follow it and saw your picture, thought, awe, she looks like a happy person, I wonder what her blog is about. It is about dildos and fornication. You and I are going to be great friends!

    BTW, your dogs are beautiful!

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  28. Oh I loved this one! Very comical! Go dildos!

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  29. Ya know, Mountain Man and I met in Canada--and that is why I think our marriage is hot and healthy, it had a great start...:) LOVE LOVE LOVE the post!!!

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  30. Cathy - you are just too much! I love you girl! I am still laughing...

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  31. Hee hee! This post only makes me want to visit Canada someday! (Maybe Québec...)

    -Barb the French Bean

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  32. As long as he doesn't smack him in the face with the dildo.
    By the way, I thought "dildo" was what you use to make biscuits out of pickles.
    I have so much to learn.

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  33. Fornicating face - I am stealing that!

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  34. On the serious side, I think people who live in harsher climates are happier.

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  35. I'd kill for 40 below, here it's usually 40 above! Creative post :)

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  36. ROFLOL - reading all your back A-Z posts and this one caught me by surprise. Loved it...love your writing style. You are definitely staying on my reading list after the challenge is over.

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