Saturday, April 21, 2012

A to Z Honesty - S is for Sex


Dear Angus (& Sam, in a few years):

This is what I need you to know about the birds and the bees:

1. Sex was not invented two minutes ago, for you. Everyone has sex, OK? And if for some reason they're not having sex? They're wishing they could be having sex. Or they've declared themselves sexless, like the Pope. Or they need to bathe more often.

2. You may or not be obsessed with the idea of sex. You probably are, but don't blame yourself. You've got hormones coursing through your veins like shite through a goose. Sex is likely all you can think about. WELL STOP IT. If your marks are good and your room is clean and you've eaten all your vegetables and have NOTHING else to do, then it's OK to obsess about sex. Otherwise, get busy and do your homework and practise your guitar.

3. God forbid, you may even be HAVING sex. Not you, Sam. At least you better not. If you are, USE BIRTH CONTROL. I don't care what kind of birth control it is (except the rhythm method which only works if you want to become a parent), as long as you USE it. It's like that expensive pimple cream I bought for you guys - if you don't USE it, it can't zap your zits... and I still see zits on your face. So if I have to go out and buy you condoms, I WILL, but YOU have to USE them. I will not be there to put them on for you! Condoms, by the way, are good because they not only prevent pregnancy, they prevent you from dying from AIDS and other diseases. Plus they come in different shapes and pretty colours.

4. I am NOT saying it's ok for you to have sex. I don't want you to. You're too young. I wish you could stay young forever. But since you ignore everything I say anyway, I want you to know that if you ARE having sex then you had better bloody well use a condom.

5. If you are having sex, I don't want to know about it. Be respectful. Have the common decency to sneak around and do it in a bush, or the back of a Pontiac, for gawd's sake. That means no kissing girls in front of me; no lying around in bed all day snuggling; no foreplay or sex of any kind in front of me, PERIOD.

6. It is NOT OKAY to have a baby unless you are prepared to pay for its upbringing. I have enough issues paying for YOUR upbringing –  I certainly can't afford to be paying for your children! Since you have no jobs and no education and are still minors yourselves, it is clear you can NOT afford to be making me a grandmother. Some families see nothing wrong with getting pregnant when you're 15. I see PLENTY wrong with it. You will ruin your life. You will ruin my looming retirement. I will have to work until I die. I will not see you go out into the cold and live on the streets if you knock someone up; I will not shun you; you can always tell me if something like this happens. Yes, I will freak out. Yes, I will be angry. Can you blame me? I'd be insane not to be angry.  So bottom line: Be smart. USE BIRTH CONTROL. Do NOT get anyone pregnant until you can afford to pay for rent, diapers, food and a car. YOU have to be able to support yourself and your partner before you even THINK about bringing a new life into the world.

Love, Mom

66 comments:

  1. Good for you mama..spell it out clearly...too bad so many parents don't.

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    1. So much easier to "spell" it, too. When we actually talk it's tough to say exactly what I want to say. This way, it's out there. Take it or leave it. And in case they were actually wondering what I was trying to say, this way it's clear.

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  2. I think you have voiced every parent's concerns about the matter. Good show, Cathy!

    (Do Canadian schools give out free birth control? I ask because I know that the French ones do.)

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. I don't think so, Barb. At least they didn't in my day and I doubt they do now but education in Canada is the responsibility of the provinces so while Ontario is a staid and prudish place, there's a strong possibility there's free birth control in Quebec.

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  3. Geez Mom!

    Not much a mother can do other than this except perhaps pray if you believe in it.

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    1. "Geez Mom!" heheheh - I'm sure that's exactly what Angus was saying when he read this....

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  4. Yeah, Mama Bear. These are awesome words of advice.

    (And really, eek, I'm scared of the day I have to have *this* talk with my kids. Thankfully, I have a lot of years ahead of me...for now. They really do grow up sooo fast.)

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    1. Yeah no kidding, Cherie - it honestly feels like yesterday that I was changing their diapers. Enjoy those "little kid" years because they disappear in a heartbeat.

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  5. When I saw the title for this post I was afraid it was going to be a lot more... graphic. Great advice though [and a great relief that this is not a kiss & tell all post].

    I have to share with you the text [bad spelling, poor grammar, and all] from the ads attached to this post in my Reader:

    We remove congestion from the skin, Instantly visable relief from acne!

    10 Ugly Mistakes Women Make That Ruins Any Chances Of A Relationship

    Get your MBA with a reputable online school—Request info now!

    And some people think targeted advertising doesn't work....

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    1. OMG, Tim, that's FUNNY!!!

      Yah, stooopid targeted advertising - I swear they know everything about me. Facebook, for example, always has ads for wrinkle cream, debt consolidation and how to meet senior men. Gives whole meaning to the term "reading my mail!"

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  6. You should laminate this and stick in on they're walls. I'm so glad my son got to 30 without getting anyone pregnant, he now has a 7mth old. My daughter is 28yrs and says she's not having any for another few years and now yes, I want her to get pregnant!

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    1. I know, Cassam, we're a fickle lot - first we're saying DON'T GET PREGNANT OR WE'LL KILL YOU - then we're saying YOU'RE KILLING ME - GET PREGNANT!!!

      Seven month olds are SO adorable... they're really cute at that age and they're not getting into everything or talking back or getting pregnant... yup. I think it would be good to just rent some seven month olds and then return them when their lease is up.

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  7. Glad I don't have to go through all that again with my kids!

    Strange, how a simple fact of life is often SO hard to talk about - even bringing it up in conversation is usually contrived.

    I remember when my Mum sat down to give me 'the talk' - she hedged about for a bit and decided the best tack was to start with 'periods'. When I said, 'I know, we did all about it at school, and pregnancy and all that."

    You could have seen the weight lift off her shoulders and a big smile as she realised she didn't have to go any further. I was her youngest - and I think after a large gap between me and my two older siblings, she'd been dreading this day! (and it was over 40 years ago, when things like that weren't so readily bandied about!)

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    1. Oh I hear ya, Sue. Did they ever have Kotex in the UK? Big heavy pads in a big pink box? Well, they came with instructions for "first-timers" and when my mom figured I was old enough for "the talk," she simply handed me the instruction booklet. Too funny!

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    2. Argh - yes! We used to have them here - we called them 'bunny tails' - no idea why, as you were more like a duck waddling around wearing them!

      Men have it SO easy!!!

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  8. I think you made your point loud and clear! Hope it gets through.

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  9. You know, I wouldn't see anything wrong with 15 year olds getting pregnant if this were 1816, boys were getting jobs at 10 and girls were legally still second-class citizens stuck doing what papa, mama and that guy they got matched with said to do. Of course, I'd have to grow up during this time period so that it would be the norm.

    Since I've grown up in a time period where a 10 year old getting a job, beyond farming duties, is considered illegal child labor, 15 year olds are still in school getting an education and girls and boys can make a choice on who to be with, then there is something wrong with teen pregnancy when there are condoms available to protect against it.

    Also, I like your sex talk because it doesn't sound sissy. It's straight to the point, cut to chase and live and in your face. Can't deny the truth.

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    1. So well said, Angela. Times have changed. There are so many options, so many great and wonderful things to do in this world - it's just a shame to limit ourselves to babies having babies and the inevitable hardscrabble life that comes along with it.

      (Thanks also - I hate sissy!!!)

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  10. This is what every parent should be telling their children. If that were the case, maybe there would be less teenage pregnancies. Maybe.

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    1. I think a lot of kids do it on purpose. They must. Maybe their lives are so loveless that a baby is the only guarantee of true, reciprocal love. Maybe they see it as a ticket out of their own terrible families. We always hope our kids make the right decisions but things are muddled for teenagers - hormones, peer pressure - it's a tough old go. I certainly wouldn't want to go through it again.

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  11. Well, that's front and center (centre), Mom.

    Clear and to the point. I agree with the idea of print/laminate/attach to wall above bed. :D

    Well done, Cathy.

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  12. Now, have you made the kid read this?

    I believe I had this conversation with my kids - not word for word but close enough. (I basically added that I am not with them 24 hours a day and I knew that they were going to do whatever they wanted when I wasn't around but there would be consequences they should be aware of so they should use a little common sense. If you can't be good, be careful. I'd prefer they didn't have sex young but I sure as hell couldn't stop them. Also, I disagree with one statement. I said - for God's sake, go somewhere nice and comfortable and clean. Don't have sex in the bush or the back of a car!

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    1. I read it out loud to Sam, my youngest, because I was here when I wrote it. My oldest son is with his father this weekend but I did point him to it. All I can do is hope he reads it. Maybe if I paste it on the TV screen or on top of his X-box he'll be more likely to see it! As to whether or not he'll listen, well, that's a completely different kettle of fish!!!

      (What's wrong with the back of a car????? LOL!!!!)

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  13. I should mention that my kids are 2 x 27 and 30 years old and I do not have any biological grandchildren yet.

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    1. Are you hoping? I would totally be hoping...

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  14. You're a GOOD mom....loved the letter!

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    1. Oh Donna, thank you! (I worry all the time that I'm the world's worst mother!)

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  15. Loved this. A discussion my parents were unable to have with me. Fortunately (and it was luck) I escaped a teenage pregnancy and all the challenges associated with being a baby and having babies.

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    1. PS: Tattoos are cool at the moment - another thought for how to disseminate the message.

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  16. ha ha Cathy your post today reminded of the other end of the scale, not just starting out but the slowing down end - have you heard of the elderly couple that sat on the porch together and he says to her;
    "What ever happened to our sexual relations?"
    She looks at him and shakes her head and replies;
    "I dunno, they never sent us a christmas card last year." ^____^

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    1. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! - Yeah, ain't it the truth!

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  17. I HAVE 5 SONS. This is a beautiful post. I love it. jean

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    1. FIVE SONS???? Omg.. that is just INSANE!!!!

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  18. or they have to bathe more - I am still stuck laughing at that!

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    1. HA! Thanks Baygirl! I was hoping somebody would have a giggle at that part!
      :)

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  19. Haha...I agree, I do not want to know but use birth control..and I agree with everything else including the part about it being easier to write down than to say (my parents never said anything, bless them), but perhaps a letter is best!

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    1. I'm hoping! Thanks Soggy! (Love your title, by the way!)

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  20. ...did somebody say SEX?

    (funny stuff, and sage advise)

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    1. Thanks Alan!
      (Every time I hear the word sage I get a craving for turkey)

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  21. Oh, I love this! I hope your sons read it - not in front of you, obviously, that would be too embarrassing ;-)

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  22. Sorry, I see Sam has already been apprised of the contents of this post. Well done:-) :-)

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    1. Yeah, Sam was giggly and cool with it. Angus is avoiding it like the plague!

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  23. I needed this post a few years ago. Even though my kids are in their 20's now, I think I'll print this out for them in case I forgot something. Hopping over here on the A to Z trail. Happy A to Z home stretch.

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    1. I know! Home stretch already! Unfortunately these are the hardest letters of the alphabet.... maybe next year we should do it backwards!

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  24. So fun to find another blogger who also chose sex as the s topic! Very funny (but sensible!) letter for your sons. I will borrow it for my sons if you don't mind!

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    1. Have at it, Pam!!! (Of course sex as the letter S - IS there any better word?!)

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  25. Stopping by for the A to Z thing - WOW! A very fine read!!

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    1. Why thanks, Mr. Charlie! Come by anytime and pull up a chair!

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  26. Hi Cathy. I'm visiting from the A to Z circuit.
    Well done mother! Back in the day, we weren't as fortunate... this topic was taboo...
    Enjoy the rest of A to Zee...

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    1. Yeah, no kidding eh Michelle? Thanks for the visit!

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  27. this post is cracking me up! this issss sooooo how i feel and my kiddo isn't even 3! i may use it later, just change the names! :D

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  28. I want to know their reaction to this. :D Way to spell out exactly what you expect!

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    1. Well my oldest son hasn't read it yet. But my youngest was cool with it. Like me, he believes Angus is going to make me a grandmother any time now.

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  29. You got it. A hole in one- maybe I shouldn't have said that....

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  30. I love this post. LOVE it. I tried to start a blog a while back called Letter to my Ladies, but it just kept not working out for me. But I do write to them - just long hand letters. This is brilliant. I love it. Try reading the book Boys Will Put You on a Pedestal [So They Can Look Up Your Skirt]. It was a book a dad wrote for his daughter. Good stuff.

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    1. Thanks Dirty Bird! Writing them letters is SUCH a good idea. I had been thinking of writing the A to Z series as life lesson letters (the dreaded three Ls) to my kids but realized I didn't have enough wisdom to impart for 26 posts.

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  31. Bonus Brother is 17. He has had only a few girlfriends all much younger. He's just not that type of kid. Needless to say, when he goes on overnight trips with his clubs for school, we are always heard in the background screaming "WEAR A CONDOM!!!"

    And needless to say, he is mortified. :)

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    1. I love it when they're mortified. Good for you, Juli!

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  32. Fantastic post! Those are all the things I want to say to my son too. He just turned two and he's already obsessed with girls.

    Great work with the Challenge and hope you feel better. :)

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