Dear Angus (& Sam, in a few years):
This is what I need you to know about the birds and the bees:
1. Sex was not invented two minutes ago, for you. Everyone has sex, OK? And if for some reason they're not having sex? They're wishing they could be having sex. Or they've declared themselves sexless, like the Pope. Or they need to bathe more often.
2. You may or not be obsessed with the idea of sex. You probably are, but don't blame yourself. You've got hormones coursing through your veins like shite through a goose. Sex is likely all you can think about. WELL STOP IT. If your marks are good and your room is clean and you've eaten all your vegetables and have NOTHING else to do, then it's OK to obsess about sex. Otherwise, get busy and do your homework and practise your guitar.
3. God forbid, you may even be HAVING sex. Not you, Sam. At least you better not. If you are, USE BIRTH CONTROL. I don't care what kind of birth control it is (except the rhythm method which only works if you want to become a parent), as long as you USE it. It's like that expensive pimple cream I bought for you guys - if you don't USE it, it can't zap your zits... and I still see zits on your face. So if I have to go out and buy you condoms, I WILL, but YOU have to USE them. I will not be there to put them on for you! Condoms, by the way, are good because they not only prevent pregnancy, they prevent you from dying from AIDS and other diseases. Plus they come in different shapes and pretty colours.
4. I am NOT saying it's ok for you to have sex. I don't want you to. You're too young. I wish you could stay young forever. But since you ignore everything I say anyway, I want you to know that if you ARE having sex then you had better bloody well use a condom.
5. If you are having sex, I don't want to know about it. Be respectful. Have the common decency to sneak around and do it in a bush, or the back of a Pontiac, for gawd's sake. That means no kissing girls in front of me; no lying around in bed all day snuggling; no foreplay or sex of any kind in front of me, PERIOD.
6. It is NOT OKAY to have a baby unless you are prepared to pay for its upbringing. I have enough issues paying for YOUR upbringing – I certainly can't afford to be paying for your children! Since you have no jobs and no education and are still minors yourselves, it is clear you can NOT afford to be making me a grandmother. Some families see nothing wrong with getting pregnant when you're 15. I see PLENTY wrong with it. You will ruin your life. You will ruin my looming retirement. I will have to work until I die. I will not see you go out into the cold and live on the streets if you knock someone up; I will not shun you; you can always tell me if something like this happens. Yes, I will freak out. Yes, I will be angry. Can you blame me? I'd be insane not to be angry. So bottom line: Be smart. USE BIRTH CONTROL. Do NOT get anyone pregnant until you can afford to pay for rent, diapers, food and a car. YOU have to be able to support yourself and your partner before you even THINK about bringing a new life into the world.